A day late and forty dollars short.

Recently I caught a little bit of heat for missing a cyclocross style athletic pursuit that occurred in the world Famous Golden Gate Park, which lies in the left lung of the picturesque city of San Francisco, California.
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The above depiction is what the races held there used to look like before they invented color.
Anyhow, I wrestled with the idea of making my way there, as I truly am headlong in the midst of my break out season, and I love more than anything to scan the internet the evening after my race to find as many photos of myself as I can, and then email them to all of my friends with the announcement that my race went pretty well, but I didn’t emerge victorious because:
A) it too muddy.
B) it was not muddy enough.
C) I had put in a huge effort the day before.
D) someone got in my way and ruined the race for everyone.
E) I got tangled up behind some rookies who crashed and lost my hole shot.
F) Loudass spit beer in my eyes.
G) it wasn’t really my kind of course.
H) I over trained.
I) it was my second race and I ran out of gas.
J) I’m still recovering from the pig/bird/Llama flu.
K) (insert your own inane excuse here.)
L) all of the above.
I wrapped up the above list with the letter L for the simple reason that if you didn’t win, you lost, and if you lost, it doesn’t matter.
At any rate, as I was saying, I toyed with the idea of making the trip but then concluded that this;
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plus this;
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Plus 45 minutes of this;
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(Photo by Skohtee Pawz.)
didn’t seem like a fair exchange for no money down and three solid hours of this;
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this;
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this;
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and this;
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Nope. Not a fair exchange at all.
Plus, I was on a bike from my door to my door and ended the day eating my dinner in the bathtub, ala Gummo;
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Can I get an amen?
Though I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t at least a little bummed that I missed the carnage caught in the following clip, shot by Platty Jo;

Insert sound effect here, and here.
And of course I can’t neglect this photo of JoJo shot by Pamela, (who also can be found here);
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Does anybody remember that thread that happened after the 50 Yards of Hell in 2005 where some woman aggressively berated our actions, and repeatedly mentioned that (her) “boyfriend wanted to beat up this one drunk guy who was acting like a jerk because he was so drunk.”
Insert sound effect here.
I would suspect that if we had mobilized for this particular section of the race, that out of pure shaming, there would be a glut of bikes for sale on Craigslist today.
And though I’m sure that the following clip not only fits into the discussion somehow, but because every other bike related website in the world has had one of these up in recent days, I’ll follow step with this one from Webcor Cycling’s magic maker, Dave;

The most prestigious event after Cross Vegas, maybe…
Now has come the time where I throw myself on the mercy of the AHTBM audience. You see, as I mentioned on Monday, I had the opportunity to spend a bit of time with the esteemed Photo-John, and as luck would have it, he was packing some heat in the form of the new Canon S90;
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As soon as I saw this, I felt like the kid in A Christmas Story, and began pleading with anyone in ear shot to help me procure one for myself and that, of course, I wouldn’t shoot my eye out with it.
Photo-John assured me that the photo industry is nothing at all like the bike industry in as far as throwing bro deals around and whatnot, but I thought I might use this here forum for my own devices, and actually see if there is anyone out there who has a cousin, or a neighbor or an acquaintance who might have some connection with Canon, and could help a brotha out.
At the very least maybe I’ll meet my sugar mama this way and she’ll simply buy it for me.
In other news, how do you all like simi-epic small world stories?
First up, as a visual aide, here is some info for any and all who might be in the market for getting some ridiculously high quality stickers made;
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Now then, the fella behind this madness is an old friend that goes by the moniker of Zoltron. I call him a friend because we’ve long been associated with one another via Swobo, and over the years have developed a bit of a bromance.
Well, in talking with him recently about the prospect of developing a Zoltron/AHTBM collabo, he mentioned that he hails from a family of artists, at which point I was struck with the realization that he in fact is the brother of my first college housemate, reconfirming my developing theory of ‘wherever you go, there you are’.
The world really is too small to afford the luxury of being mean to people.
Anyhow, to summarize- cool guy, incredible stickers, buy some, small world, the end.
I’m going to close this post out with a mid-week book review. This week’s reading is ‘The Complete Air Guitar handbook’ by John McKenna and Michael Moffitt;
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pretty much any review I can offer would pale in comparison to this one single passage;
Where to Play
“The vast majority of your practicing and playing time will be spent at home, so careful attention should be given to your living arrangements. The use of rooms, space, and furniture are therefore extremely important.
Many air guitarists live with their parents. Usually this situation limits air guitar playing to the guitarist’s bedroom. No sweat. Just sell your bed. This will amply increase your performance area, and the money obtained can be applied towards headphones (with a long chord) or perhaps a sleeping bag. When you dispose of your bed, merely inform your parents that when you cleaned your room you couldn’t find it. Being familiar with your room they will: 1) believe you, 2) be happy that you finally cleaned it, and 3) inform you that until you take better care of your belongings they will not buy you another bed. Fine. You are ready to practice.”

Aside from actual technique, they go so far as to discuss the finer points of necessary air guitar accessories, such as the air amplifier, pictured here;
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I’m reasonably certain that I am in possession of the only copy of this book left in existence, but if you can find your own, I whole heartedly recommend it.
Are you experiencing a sensation in your brain parts right now?
That’s called learning, and inspiration.
Happy Hump Day everybody. Here is to having it in ones, twos, and threes.
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21 Responses to “A day late and forty dollars short.”

  1. Iowagriz December 2, 2009 at 7:41 am #

    Why race at the front when all of the fun action is at the back (my new motto)

  2. One Eyed z December 2, 2009 at 8:20 am #

    I’ve never been much of an air guitarist but if I could find a copy of that book, I bet thing would change for me in a big way.

  3. LJ December 2, 2009 at 10:43 am #

    That woman had no idea what she was talking about…as far as I can remember there were several people acting like jerks because they were drunk…which was fully entertaining. Of course we should consider his perspective, I mean it might have effected his placing in the pro race and future contract and sponsorship opportunities…right?

  4. Stevil December 2, 2009 at 10:55 am #

    No. According to her post he was spectating as well. Much like the hipster girl who accused Loudass and myself in engaging in what she referred to as ‘macho bullshit’ last year when I threw a beer can at him on the side lines… If you don’t like playing soccer, get off the soccer field,
    if you don’t like getting run over, don’t sleep in the street, and if you don’t like drunk guys, don’t stand next to us.

  5. Loudass, Esq. December 2, 2009 at 11:51 am #

    Her boyfriend “wanted” to beat up this one [fat] drunk guy who was acting like a jerk because he was so drunk… but he didn’t do anything at all becuase he was short and frightened.
    Wah, wah, wah, wahhhhhh…

  6. Sean Hurl December 2, 2009 at 12:05 pm #

    That yard sale video is a great example of why Road bikes with knobby’s and brake bosses are a bad candidate for the NEXT BIG THING. How many of those people were way over their heads in that loose but not so technical section of track. It was like watching a group of track bike guys do no handed wheelies on the freeway. Yes cross bikes can be fun but if you can’t clean it on your mountain bike what makes you think 700c wheels, drop bars, no stand over and no brakes is going to help. Someone should tell these folks that the only NEXT BIG THING in their future is a bruise and some add space on craigs list.
    P.S. I miss skohtee pawz

  7. Pinto December 2, 2009 at 12:05 pm #

    Yes! That’s some nice carnage asada footage in that off-camber rambler. But you know, instead of fighting traffic to get to a cx race, I spent the better part of 8 hours on Saturday at the Maul of Amerikkka…

  8. JT December 2, 2009 at 12:47 pm #

    Thanks Stevil for two things:
    1. Referencing Gummo. Xenia, OH will never get better publicity.
    2. Proving that no matter how hot many roadies think they are on pave, most simply have very little clue that there is an art to cornering on dirt.

  9. Lane December 2, 2009 at 1:04 pm #

    I’ve always wanted to learn the air guitar…

  10. One Eyed z December 2, 2009 at 1:20 pm #

    Can’t say I blame you for skipping the race. The first local CX race in several weeks is this weekend and compared to driving there and paying to play I might do like I did last weekend. 3 hours of local trail riding that I can pedal to from my front door.
    Besides cyclocross is “a hard race for hard people”… and I’m not hard.

  11. Joe Doom December 2, 2009 at 1:43 pm #

    how come when you show pictures of your little ride it looks nice and easy, but when I ride with you everything looks like death and endo’s?

  12. N@ December 2, 2009 at 5:53 pm #

    um yeah that was almost just like that one clip of all the fancy pros crashing into a fence at the worldcup a few years ago except dryer. what is the deal with people who can’t ride a bike but insist going on racing? maybe they should drink beer beforehand might prevent the random finger spasms that cause people to go head first otb into a tree.

  13. Ghost Rider December 2, 2009 at 7:03 pm #

    Good news: according to the OCLC’s “WorldCat” (sorry, it’s what I do), 13 libraries in the United States have copies of that book…including public libraries in LA, Seattle, Cleveland, New Jersey and a couple others. You’re in good company.

  14. pedalman December 2, 2009 at 9:16 pm #

    I got a nasty stinger in my neck one night doing some advanced Angus Young air guitar moves. Had to do a big ride the next day with a sore neck and the realization that I was a fucking old man!

  15. bloodline December 2, 2009 at 9:26 pm #

    new motto: ‘bicycle racing is like a mullet, all business up front and a party in the back’
    sunday night cyclocross in S mpls

  16. meligrosa December 2, 2009 at 11:06 pm #

    nice pink hairy legs cameltoe. tssssssssss

  17. curious in Benicia December 2, 2009 at 11:20 pm #

    I hastily tugged one off to the pic. of the chick in pink panties. Now Im thinking it might be a dude??

  18. clarky December 3, 2009 at 3:33 pm #

    I think Gummo is the product of Stan Beaver’s one drunk night in Ohio…

  19. devin December 3, 2009 at 5:03 pm #

    It is just a bike race…
    Hope she does not ruin the race for every one…

  20. Chad December 3, 2009 at 9:39 pm #

    ha, I went for an interview for an AV tech job that ended up being for none other than the gentle-talking paint man himself, Mr. Bob Ross. there were rooms stacked with hus paintings, basically an entire office building. I never met him, but the fact that they wanted someone to sit there all day making copies of videos, and had a call for that, scares me. …but not as much as clowns, or stacking up in a bottleneck in a beginners cross race.

  21. Stevil December 4, 2009 at 6:25 am #

    Re: Mr. Ross.
    As an art school hot shot (in my mind) I remember calling his 1-800 number and berating his abilities with some (drunk) friends one evening after watching him on a gigantic television we’d found behind a repair shop, and then stuffed into my tiny dorm room, only to later carry it back outside and throw it off a cliff where it exploded into a shitstorm of flying scrap in the exact location where we had originally picked it up from. Anyway, it wasn’t until much later that I realized despite his weird mannerisms, and mundane subject matter that Bob Ross is one hell of a painter, whose skill with the medium I could only hope to ever achieve.
    That, I suppose, is what one might call ‘full circle’.