“My spirit animal is a hamburger.”

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering what the world looks like from my perspective, this video representation that Mitch Kline sent on, just about sums it up;


The voices in my head taste like apple juice.
Seconds later, I get this email from my old friend Ashley, who from this point forward will be known by her college nickname ‘Heavy Metal Cookie Head’. (No telling what substances were being abused when that one came about.)
“I was thinking about getting you a Soul Portrait for Christmas… but it’s sort of spendy”
Dov-aftersoulportrait.jpg
If that’s what my soul looks like, then I most certainly am on the fast track to Hell.
Which if, by the way, there is such a place, I suspect it to look a little bit like this;

No time to repent like the present.
It’s winter time and much like the weather outside, when it rains, it pours, so we might as well keep the good times rolling with this piece from Ray.
hood_main_01.jpg
Why, it’s the Hood Thong™, of course.
Everybody knows that you loose somewhere between 7 to 50% of your body heat out of the top of your head, so with the temperatures dropping, it’s good to dress smart.
Kinda like the Mother Chick.
It is probably no coincidence that within a matter of seconds of receiving that piece of fashion forward news that I get this next one from Loudass;
TIGER VS. EAGLE ROMANCE!!!!!!!!!!
“Tiger: ROARRRRRRRR!
Eagle: CAWWWWWWWW!
Tiger: ROARRRRRRRR!
Eagle: CAWWWWWWWW!
Tiger: Does this place have cable?”

tigereagleromance.jpg
See.. When I get hurt, it’s you all who I force to suffer with me.
You might wonder why it is, after having the overwhelmingly positive relationship with all of you that I have these last many years, that I would do something like this to you now.
The truth of the matter is that I am going to be away for the next week, and I needed something powerful to burn into your retinas so as to prevent you from forgetting about me in my absence.
This post might just have done the trick.
I suppose I should also mention that if anyone is to order any of the AHTBM goods, the order needs to be placed before 3:00ish Friday the 11th, or there will a bit of a lag on my part as I wont be here to fill it until my return, so as my dispatcher used to be fond of saying to me “get hot, fat slug.”
To reiterate, Pay Pal to stevil@allhailtheblackmarket.com, the prices are listed under the photos on Flickr, shipping is a few bucks… So on and so fourth.
In a quick entry for the ‘what could possibly go wrong?’ file, from Thuul I got this unimaginable piece of genius;

That sensation that you’re experiencing right now? That’s called staring blankly in disbelief though your computer screen.
I know it well.
I want to take a second and thank my homie Michael from Bike Blog NYC for including my wares in his recent holiday gift guide. It’s an honor to be included in such an array of trick stuff.
And speaking of which, the cats at Mission Workshop have completely changed the rules of the game with their newest offering of The Vandal;

Though I couldn’t tell you why the fellow depicted would have to ride all the way from the outer Sunset to The Mission for Red Stripe and a watermelon.
I have it on good authority that both items are readily available in his neighborhood.
Good luck to all of those making their way to Bend this weekend to engage in the seriousness of cyclocross style athletic pursuits, and of course this means that it’s all over again until next year.
That is unless you live in these parts and you wanna get in on Mr. Gill’s Peak Season series, which are always pretty great on account of cause it doesn’t actually begin raining around here until about Mid-December anyway, so if you haven’t had enough of ruining the races for everybody, then you have that to look forward to.
Or, if you have some left over base miles to cash in and just haven’t gotten enough of flaunting your falsely perceived importance as a bicycle racer, then that’ll work also.
For lack of not only a better image, but any image whatsoever from said Peak Season races, I’ll simply include, as well as conclude today’s post with this totally unrelated visual I made in anticipation for my 40th birthday;
finalgenestevilumpqua.jpg
If you know, then you know..
You might even be there.
We’ll se you all again on the week of the 21st.
newlittleskull.jpg

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25 Responses to ““My spirit animal is a hamburger.””

  1. Teamfubar December 11, 2009 at 5:54 am #

    The “Motherchick” is proof that we need a national policy on how to deal with aging strippers. They need to be trained how to reenter society.
    Thanks…that is going to be in my head all day!

  2. Sam December 11, 2009 at 7:49 am #

    I may never be the same again after that motherchick video…

  3. Robert December 11, 2009 at 7:58 am #

    Pretty much your finest post ever.

  4. Rocky December 11, 2009 at 8:04 am #

    that prone bike would be ideal for finding change on the ground while riding around. plus it’s easy to transport…on a car. really a remarkable set of YouTube videos this time.

  5. D*POW December 11, 2009 at 8:08 am #

    motherchick:
    that is exactly what youtube was created for.

  6. pedalman December 11, 2009 at 8:36 am #

    I made my own ‘bike helmet thong’ using an old bike helmet and some leftover arm warmers. All the cool people are doing it…uhh,o.k. maybe just me.

  7. slappy December 11, 2009 at 8:45 am #

    I’m bettin that, (yes this is a most glorious post) and that the horizontal bike guy would do well to invent a tandem

  8. Tony Bullard December 11, 2009 at 8:59 am #

    That heat loss from the head thing…not actually true:
    http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2008/dec/17/medicalresearch-humanbehaviour

  9. RP December 11, 2009 at 9:14 am #

    my eyes are burning. the stinging reminds me i’m alive.

  10. Stevil December 11, 2009 at 9:21 am #

    Well Tony, there goes my bid for the Webbies qualified medical journal award..
    And so we’re all on the same page here, I actually just made that up as well.

  11. ben December 11, 2009 at 9:24 am #

    I saw something like the H-zontal on Ragbrai one time, except we called it the ambiguously gay bike. Goddam made me spill my cocktail. I wonder if it was the same guy? And, after accidentally turning on that video, I think I know what he was listening to on the headphones. DAAAAAAAHHHHHHH, MY EYE!!!!

  12. Newtron December 11, 2009 at 9:55 am #

    I traveled the gamut of emotions with this post… first I shot milk and cereal from my nose and nearly pissed my pants with cramping laughter… then moments later I seriously threw up in my mouth a little bit… so I immediately washed down the ancient exotic thong jump suit wearing tree dancing albino mummy with an encore performance of jean luc and gang …Only a Black Market Post could caress and flog so hard in one post…. My personal fave yet…thank you sir

  13. Dave Evil December 11, 2009 at 11:33 am #

    Motherchick:
    Cheever or Stevie Nicks?
    Discuss.

  14. El Gato December 11, 2009 at 12:52 pm #

    After that Motherchick video I have been to:
    1)a Buddist Temple
    2)A Synagogue
    3)Two Fundamentalist Christian Churches
    4)a VooDoo ceremony
    5)Sweat Lodge cleansing ceremony (ah, sage smudges)
    If that is what hell looks like, I’m changing my ways FAST!

  15. devo December 11, 2009 at 1:04 pm #

    jesus, that star trek video damn near had me spraying latte all over my new laptop! i love cry laughing.

  16. andy reimer December 11, 2009 at 1:29 pm #

    For more information on the ‘mother chick’ check out the complete expose on themetalinquisition.com
    You know… just in case you can’t get enough of a bad thing.

  17. Troy B, December 11, 2009 at 1:47 pm #

    Aged stripper + meds + alcohol + plastic surgury + Danzig tunes = a balloon smuggling Gollum?

  18. jirvers December 11, 2009 at 2:38 pm #

    dammit.. sooner or later everyone finds those videos of my mom.

  19. PENTABIKE December 11, 2009 at 7:08 pm #

    MOTHERCHICK!!!

  20. bearpi December 12, 2009 at 12:12 pm #

    I would like to prune Motherchick’s tree.

  21. Tiny Hands December 12, 2009 at 1:29 pm #

    If there is justice in the world Motherchick will get hit by someone riding a “brakeless” bike. This will puncture one of her silicone abominations and lead to lupus. A blood transfusion will give her the AIDS and she will die a slow, miserable, lonely death.

  22. Stevil December 12, 2009 at 1:38 pm #

    Re: Tiny Hands. Ouch.. Like you’ve never worn a slinky one piece bathing suit and video taped yourself prancing around your backyard. Self expression should be celebrated, not condemned, no matter how fast it makes your eyeballs pull up stakes and run screaming out the door.

  23. Jorge December 12, 2009 at 3:09 pm #

    I am a changed man and will never hear that song again without having that vision in my head. Stevil, you truly saved my life.

  24. rebecca December 16, 2009 at 12:06 am #

    I kinda expected mother chick to crawl out of my screen like the little girl at the end of “The Ring”

  25. The New Sheriff December 19, 2009 at 2:31 pm #

    my girlfriend found the star trek video completely and totally unfunny.
    shes dead now.