Bang.


The only thing about this clip taken from The Holeshot that I can relate to is everything except being skilled on a bike.
Yep.. The rest of it I’ve got a lock on.
So, hey there everybody. Happy Monday and stuff. How was it?
Times here are bitchin. I have finally gotten moving on the AHTBM kits again and with any luck should have a preliminary design ready for display at some point here in the near future.
I’m not entirely sure how to go about selling them, because obviously I’m unable to buy a whole big stock of kits and then sit on them, so I’m toying with the idea of doing pre-orders for a four week window. Then, at the end of that month I place the order, use the cash I have on hand to pay for it, and for those who didn’t get in on it, they’re out of luck until the next run comes around.
Certainly if folks have any ideas on the matter, I am all ears but at this point I can’t figure out a better way to handle it.
Let’s see.. what else? Oh, I think last weekend actually broke my liver, so in honor of this event, I have quit drinking.
This isn’t like a couple of years ago when I quit, and the entire time all I wanted to do was drink a beer.. This time I actually feel ok about it. I’m only a week in so we’ll see how it pans out, but so far it feels good to be dried out.
The dwindling 36 pack in my refrigerator will just have to wait for my return.
Thanks for letting me get all of that off my chest.
Let’s get into some business now, shall we?
Here’s one for the peeps in the Midwest again. Now, I’m sure that you’ve heard about the hullabaloo concerning the Milwaukee bike polo players getting ousted from the parking garage in which they practiced and the incarcerations that followed. Well, in order to raise funds for a legal defense, as well as to attempt to acquire a legal spot in which to practice, they’ve gone ahead and gotten crafty;
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My favorite quote from the bit linked above was this;
“I had been arrested at 5:30pm. I was lucky to be the first released, some did not make it out until 4am. In the end, four college students, four college graduates, an Artist, two bicycle mechanics and new player were arrested for the police to find absolutely nothing. No drugs were found, no warrants were issued, not a damn thing.”
Obviously the entire debacle is a sham, but the artist probably had it coming.
Speaking of rabble rousers, The Likable Douchebag contacted me with this curious bit of slight fibbery;
“1979.
The missing link between Hippie and Punk Rocker
Rock Against Racism was held in DC and advertised in the Yipster Times. The Clash played this that summer.
This publication was later used at my trial where I was convicted of assault and battery after I and an accomplice pied a fascist high school vice principal.
black history month.jpg
I was tried as an adult because…well, I was 20. But my record was be wiped clean after I pulled a weekend in a Virginia county lockup where I started a hunger strike protesting sour apples used in the pie Aunt Bee sent to my cell block. That old bitch was mean as hell and couldn’t cook for shit and I wanted the world to know. But the revolt was squashed when the riot squad took away everyones library cards.
True story…mostly,
Cary”

After all of these years it would appear as though I might be the last person to find out that The Likable Douchebag was in Cheap Trick.
In regards to this past Saturday’s ‘One For The Weekend’ that Duncan sent me, I got to thinking about a website I’ve long since lost track of. For years I’ve been a huge fan of Dan Savage and his widely circulated Savage Love column. About five or six years ago, it turned me on to a website that was easily one of the top five most disturbing, yet incredible things I’ve ever seen on the internet, (and I’m reasonably sure I’ve seen them all). It was a complete boutique for men who wanted to not only dress as women, but the costumes that they supplied were entire latex women’s bodies, complete with all of the external bits and pieces.
Some of the units were essentially rubber one piece bathing suits, while the more extensive ones came complete with arms, legs and digits. Think ‘Buffalo Bill’ from ‘Silence of The Lambs’ and you get the idea.
“It puts the lotion in the basket” indeed.

The website also chronicled an expo held in Florida (go figure) attended by throngs of individuals who all appeared as though they had gutted anyone from Supergirl to Mae West and then slipped into their skins and clothing.
Of course my initial reaction was that I wanted to get one because I couldn’t think of a quicker way to ruin a party than to show up looking like a fashionably post-modern Ed Gein.
Unfortunately I’ve lost track of the site an can only find information about the masks, which while extremely disturbing all unto themselves, barely scratch the surface of what I’m describing.
Julia-1.jpg
*Editor’s note* By George, I think I found it. As it turns out, I’ve been sitting on the site this entire time, the expo was actually in Georgia, and if you dare, the photos can be found here.
Holy cow, humanity can be a cracked egg.
Now then.. As I type these words, I can’t help but think of an email I recently received from my mom in which she described my dad finally breaking out of his technological shell and spending a little time on the internet. She said she credited All Hail The Black Market in part, because as it turns out he actually has begun coming here and reading on a regular basis.
Now every time I write something like this, I can’t help but picture my dad, sitting at the computer laughing nervously and rubbing his forehead wondering just what kind of a deviant he helped raise.
To that I can only say “the best kind”.
But just so my dad knows, as I always have, I’m living life on the straight and narrow. Besides, the prices of the masks and those skin suits are far to prohibitive anyhow, so he needn’t worry about any unpleasant Holiday surprises.
Moving onto more wholesome topics.. I’ve never made any secret of my love of sketchbooks, though recently maintaining my own has been somewhat akin to starting fire with a jug of water. That being said my appreciation for the work of others never falters and as such was overjoyed by the recent discovery of New York artist Tommy Kane’s Flickr page.
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Investigating further, not only was I taken with his drawings, but became enthralled with his other work as well. So it is now that I humbly induct into the hallowed halls of Art That Doesn’t Suck, Mr. Tommy Kane.
Now I guess really the only way to finally pull this edition out of the fire is to end with some bike related nonsensery. Still a little weary of my wrist for a full blown off-road ride (and the fact the trails continue to be a full blown quagmire), I adjourned on a road ride this weekend, destination unknown. Ultimately, and unfortunately for my bike’s drivetrain, the expedition took a turn for the dirt, and of the 40 or so miles I covered, probably about half of them were of the unpaved kind;
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Though I tend not to be such a huge fan of mashing a 48×11 up some of those climbs, I do enjoy smelling the proverbial roses, and at the snail pace I was going, didn’t really have any choice in the matter. Once I got back into civilization I even took a detour to check out how my handiwork was holding up;
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All I can say is that it appears to be, though probably somewhat in need of a little extension.
Come to think of it, as you are reading this that is probably what I’m doing.
If you happen to be out and about in these neck of the woods, keep your eyes peeled.
Even if you’re not in these neck of the woods, make a date with yourself to do some trail maintenance of your own soon.
Tis the season, don’t you know? All you need is a shovel and a folding saw.
And if you wanna make it interesting, don’t forget your rubber mask.
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16 Responses to “Bang.”

  1. Teamfubar February 15, 2010 at 6:33 am #

    I gave up drinking for over a month this year, to “reset” my system. Don’t really know if it worked or not, but one thing’s for sure, I am a cheaper drunk now.
    And, I’d love to go out and do some trail maintenance, but we’ve been blessed with BHS (ball-high-snow) since December and that shit isn’t going away anytime soon. If I run into that bastard, El Nino in a dark alley, I’m gonna kick him square in the nuts.

  2. Fat Chance February 15, 2010 at 7:39 am #

    Funny and disturbing all in one- the rubber suit stuff is way weird and I am used to weird…but that is way too weird.
    Sign me up for a kit…I am on board for sure for a jersey and more than likely shorts. The idea of opening it up for a pre-order works for me.

  3. pedalman February 15, 2010 at 10:08 am #

    The full AHTBM kit over one of those rubber suits might be just the look I need for boulder cross 2010!

  4. Matt February 15, 2010 at 10:38 am #

    One thing the Catholics got right: Lent starts after tomorrow, and not a moment too soon. 40 days of no booze or meat. It’s my yearly step back from the brink.

  5. ThadS February 15, 2010 at 1:08 pm #

    I am all in for the kit. I am also all in for the rubber suit. Come to think of it, I am just all in.

  6. cary February 15, 2010 at 6:02 pm #

    pre-order kits work great if you don’t fuck it up and loose the list.
    I want you to want me!

  7. Aussie Mudrat February 15, 2010 at 7:41 pm #

    If it’s wool, I’ll wear it and pre-order for the privelidge.
    Fake plastic boobs would be an added plus

  8. frankenbike February 15, 2010 at 8:30 pm #

    Quitting is for giver uppers.You go plastic girl!I want that kit! Wait, what does it look like? Who cares? I want one.

  9. velorambling February 15, 2010 at 10:57 pm #

    Yes on the kit, gonna have to pass on the rubber suit it wouldnt fit over my gorilla suit, and only real gorilla goes against my skin. Thats probably why I’ll take a kit.

  10. cary February 16, 2010 at 5:05 am #

    I’m going for the Catholic trifecta…no booze, red meat or sodomy until sometime in April. Two out of the three should be no problem.

  11. kennykaos February 16, 2010 at 8:20 am #

    i’ll take a AHTBM kit, hey, if you can get skin suits i’ll take a long sleeve one for cross! count me in

  12. Emily February 16, 2010 at 9:55 am #

    Planning on makin’ a female kit? 🙂

  13. Stevil February 16, 2010 at 10:15 am #

    Yes. Women’s kits, skinsuits, the whole deal (probably not wool yet though. I’ve got just about one foot in the homeless shelter as it is.) I will have to speak with the manufacturer, but it is my understanding that once the set up is taken care of, specifically what style or size kit it goes on is secondary. I’ll have to double check my info, but as it stands, I’m hoping that everyone will be invited to the party. Except people who want flaming skulls, or cartoon rabbits riding bikes. They have to stick with Primal Wear.

  14. Robot February 16, 2010 at 1:10 pm #

    I quit drinking in 1992. It didn’t make me sane or nice. I just stopped feeling sick all the time. Win.

  15. ak February 17, 2010 at 10:04 am #

    I will pre-order the CRAP out of a AHTBM kit. The CRAP I say.

  16. Sally February 18, 2010 at 10:40 am #

    What the deuce!? You stealing my tag line now? What’s next? You going to sign off to all your “Stevil-maniacs” by encouraging them to be “slackers, listen to Red Fang, drink till you have to grip the grass like you’re going to spin off the earth” and then declare “what you gonna do when Stevil-mania projectiles all over you?!”