Clever scientists need not apply.

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Assuming you are familiar with much of the scawlings I’ve logged over the last several years, you are well aware that I tend to not dirty my hands with such things as technical reviews and the like. This isn’t because I place myself above such things. It’s simply that I am not so adept at them;

He lost me at “for a number of years”.

Anyway, I figure there are enough other sites and publications one can turn to in which you could find out information about the latest bell or whistle. Second to that, nothing ever really comes down the pipe that I find myself being excited enough about to spend time penning a review for. That is with the exception of the newish Easton Haven wheels;
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In recent days I have gone back through a couple of issues of BIKE Magazine and read up on these just to see what makes them tick. Interestingly I came to find that part of Easton’s directive in literally reinventing the wheel was to redesign both the rim eyelets as well as the nipple, though this isn’t to say that any of the components involved in the Haven are particularly proprietary. Quite the contrary actually, as expressed in Vernon Felton’s March 2010 interview with the wheel’s designer, Adam Marriott;

The Haven’s rim uses a unique threaded eyelets and double threaded nipples. Why?

“That’s the key to this design. In a standard nipple-and-eyelet configuration, the head of each nipple primarily pulls against the corner of each eyelet. You have to compensate for all that stress being loaded at one point of the eyelet by adding excess material to the rim. In the Easton system, the nipples actually thread into the eyelets, which distributes the loads more evenly around a much larger are of the rim. This reduces the stress and lets us use less material without sacrificing strength. We spent almost a year designing the nipples alone. It was a ground up build. Nothing like it existed.

We wanted maximum performance and style, but we wanted to keep it simple too. If you do break a spoke, you shouldn’t have top wait for months to get a new one. These are standard straight-pull spoke. The Havens build up and true like conventional wheels- no special tools or spokes.”
I then came to find out that not only do the wheels possess all of this extraordinarily complicated simplicity, but all of the spokes, drive and non drive alike, are all of a singular length.

Since procuring a set of these for my own, I have put them through the rigors that only a ham fisted and marginally skilled cyclist like myself can, and so far I can say with complete honesty that they are every bit as good as all of the hype would lead you to believe.
If I were to rate items with a system of symbols indicating my varying levels of approval, I would deem these worthy of five out of five pentagrams, the only down side being the price.
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Falling in around $800.00 per set, you’re paying about .50 a gram, which punches hard in the wallet of a broke joke like myself, but considering that they are guaranteed to most likely be one of the longest lasting wheelsets on the market, it’s a small price to pay.

Now we’ll get aboard the trolly that will transport from the thing that satisfies our technological desires, to one that should sooth those in the auditory and aesthetic department;

Three things I love.

Punk Rock
Art
Other people’s studios.

Put them all together and you have a recipe for a soulgasm.

“Punk Rock, and art I understand, but what’s with other people’s studios?” you might be saying. You see, that to me is where the magic happens. Looking at a painting, sculpture, or drawing in the sterile confines of a gallery or museum is a wholly disconnected experience.
To place the object that was born of such passion upon a pedestal, and under bright lights separates the humanism from it, which is by and large what makes art a wonderful and fulfilling thing.
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For the record, despite their historical significance, I still think Ellsworh Kelly’s paintings suck balls.

This is why I have to explain to my parents just why that canvas consisting of splattered tar and straw (or as in the above example, a monochromatic shape) is in the museum. There is a historical relevance, and to not have any connection between the viewing experience and that of the person behind it’s creation is, in my opinion, a huge disservice to the viewer.

Then again, what the hell do I know? Emails like the following from Matt tend to fulfill my every need as well;

“I have no clue where this is from, probably Heaven.”
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Everyone has different ideas of Heaven. If images like this come from there, I’m gonna straighten my act right the hell up.

Just the same, if the people behind this following link that CD sent me are going to end up there, I’m better off sticking to my wicked ways.
Christ Cycles(dot)com
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Yeah, I’ll let that soak in for a minute.

This one caught me a little off guard, though even without the self righteous and goof ball fundamentalist slant, I can pick this apart in a single gesture;
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Hmm… Maybe I’m not so bad at technical reviews after all.
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20 Responses to “Clever scientists need not apply.”

  1. Jim October 15, 2010 at 7:04 am #

    Wow. A+ on the artsy work.
    Who has not dreamed of kicking a rhino in the balls while playing a guitar during Armageddon?

  2. Velorambling October 15, 2010 at 7:06 am #

    Soulgasm. Another Stevilism I’ll be stealing.

  3. Hurl October 15, 2010 at 7:18 am #

    Hey Broke Joke,
    I’ve seen your wallet. It hangs from a chain…

  4. The Los October 15, 2010 at 7:21 am #

    Wow, so Jesus is a skinny jean wearing douchenozzle?
    Huh.

  5. BigBill October 15, 2010 at 8:08 am #

    That last pic! Like the message on the complimentery kleenex box on the back of shitter stall doors: “First pull up, then push down”

  6. Tee October 15, 2010 at 8:11 am #

    Another classic post Stevil! Black Thoughts, pentagrams, cool wheels, Jesus taking a shot to the nads, heaven and cool art. Pure Stevilizm!

  7. clark October 15, 2010 at 9:59 am #

    what if jesus hooked up with a rhino and had a little baby rhino jesus. Think about that one.

  8. db October 15, 2010 at 11:02 am #

    Not cool, man, not cool. That rhino had a family…
    How do those folks at Christ Cycles (not the same as Christcicles, the heavenly frozen treat) determine their veganism percentage? Is there a chart somewhere?

  9. uma October 15, 2010 at 11:07 am #

    Best review of sanctimonious emo vegan hipstsers ever.

  10. Tim Jackson- Masiguy October 15, 2010 at 11:51 am #

    You had me at Soulgasm… but the whole studio thing is precisely my feelings.
    Give me an artist’s workshop any day over a gallery. Galleries are great for displaying, but not experiencing. Joe Bell’s paint booth is heaven for me. Lemme see where it happens, not just the finished product.
    My uncle is one of my favorite artists ever and I can spend an entire day in his studio just sitting on the floor looking at the projects in phases of work.
    Man, I need a cigarette or sumthin now…

  11. kurtz October 15, 2010 at 12:09 pm #

    Christ Cycles just illustrates the need for faith-based bicycle shops to cater to at least one denomination each:
    Hindu – Ganesha’s Re-Cycled Bicycles
    Southern Baptist – HellFire & Brimstone-Forged Frames
    Evangelical Christian – Abandoned FrankenBike Projects (no unfinished Project Bike thrown away!)
    Mormon – Brigham’s “You Can Never Have Too Many” Bicycles
    Satanism – Soul Peddlers (all sales are final)
    Muslim – World-Converting Pedicabs & Tandems
    – Osama Bin Ridin’
    Catholic – Cardinal Law’s Training Wheels & Tricycles
    Voodoo – Chicken Blood Frame Painters
    Black Metal Pagan – Vikernes’ Flame Spittin’ Cyclocross Superstore

  12. 333 October 15, 2010 at 3:43 pm #

    i need a new cross bike.

  13. Anton October 15, 2010 at 7:47 pm #

    Jim…
    I… had not dreamed of kicking a rhino in the balls while playing a guitar during Armageddon, BUT I WILL TONIGHT!!
    THANKS STEVIL!!

  14. mattya14 October 15, 2010 at 7:49 pm #

    I thought I pulled by entabulator the other day, but alas, it’s only carpel tunnel.

  15. JP October 15, 2010 at 11:21 pm #

    Do the folks at christcycles know that virgin blood is 100% vegan safe? Just askin’…..

  16. MikeH October 16, 2010 at 5:31 am #

    I’m certain there are wrenches out their just puking at the notion that Christ Cycles two resident “Mechanics” are have dubbed themselves as such by virtue of their ability to link chains and install square taper BBs. I throw band aids on my kid’s cuts so I guess I’m a Doctor now.

  17. benjotaylor October 17, 2010 at 7:52 am #

    the only cool thing about Ellsworth Kelly is when Scott Atthowe says his name and spits on the client doing so. *inside joke*

  18. PistilPete October 17, 2010 at 4:29 pm #

    Jesus rides bubblegum fixies?His bitches sure are cute…

  19. FunkyLaneO October 17, 2010 at 9:06 pm #

    Ted Nugent – Double Live Gonzo
    “This guitar is guaranteed to blow the balls off a charging rhino at sixty paces”
    That picture gave me flashbacks to 7th grade.

  20. cockleburr October 19, 2010 at 12:27 am #

    Oh wow.
    I’m going to bed now. It’s all a dream right?
    Dreaming about shooting coke into my balls and shooting to the moon to start with..