Third hourglass for 2011.

This, my friends, is what they call ‘sticktoitiveness’.
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Once a day I like to look back on the past several years of my life and reflect on the fact that not even five years ago I was quite happy plodding along with no computer, no cell phone, only one email address, and perfectly happy with all of it.

Then I was offered a job as a ‘blogger’, whatever the hell that was.

Recently I did some back scanning, and came across the first thing I ever ‘blogged’;

“At first I thought it was a Lifesavers © brand candy, but it seems kinda big. I mean seriously, whats in that guys mouth?”
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I mean, it’s hard to believe I was just that hilarious, right out of the gate.

Fast forward five years and look at how far I’ve come;
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I’ve developed such an immense level of profhessianalisim, I don’t even have to ask what is in that guy’s mouth.

I have found that in order to do my ‘job’, I have to rely on an array of places from which to get fodder to present here before you. One of those venues is the Book of Faces®. Recently there, I was included in a note that left me feeling a bit confused;

“I was riding home, on a section of street with very little overhead light, and a car was parked in the bike lane. I easily passed the parked car, but, because of the poor street lighting, ran directly into a huge pot hole, flipping over the bars and into on coming traffic. I jumped up, pulled my bike off the road, and smashed both side mirrors and front headlights of the parked car with my lock. About to ride off, I realized they had received a parking ticket, for their incorrect parking job. I snatched the ticket and remounted.

As I road away a woman yelled from a second story window, “Did you have to take the parking ticket?” My reply, “Don’t park in the bike lane.”
I now have their license plate number and will continue to fuck with them every couple of weeks or so.”

This note wormed its way into my brain and all during a long, cold and climby speed cycle ride, which concluded with the front portion of my cycle machine looking thusly;
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I kept reflecting on it.

It occurred to me that this is like punching someone in the face because they inadvertently bumped into you and made you spill your chocolate milk on your new white sailor suit.

Cities nation wide are full of double parked cars and potholes. Sadly they are also full of bike riders who apparently lash out at the closest possible person the second they realize that they aren’t very good at riding bikes in said city.

Someone goes out of their way to inflict harm on your person by say, throwing a full bottle of urine at your face, intentionally swerving at you and clipping you as they pass, throwing a bag of garbage in front of you from the sidewalk, and so on, yes… Them’s fighting actions, but double parking I don’t believe deserves such a wrath.

It actually reminds me of a story that my friend Joe told me once about riding his motorcycle in San Francisco a few years ago. Now Joe has been riding bikes for two decades or better and happens to be the head designer at a prominent bicycle manufacturer, so to say that he is well within our trenches is an understatement.

Well, as he was motoring down Market Street one night, two cyclists were ahead of him making indiscriminate motions as to what their intentions were. Were they turning left, or right? Were they stopping? Joe didn’t know, so 30 feet or so behind them he gave them a quick little double tap on his motorcycle horn simply to keep everybody on the same page. He passed them, made the turn, and at the next stop light, one of them rode up, dismounted and actually raised his bike above his head and brought it crashing down on the front of Joe’s motorcycle. Joe made haste getting out of there, with a gigantic question mark trailing behind him, but then again, Joe is a level headed guy.

I don’t give most people the same credit.

Is breaking mirrors and headlights on a car because you crashed into a pothole any more irrational than attacking a motorcyclist because they honked at you?

No, as a matter of fact they’re both pretty insane, and if I was a casual observer of either, I would rightfully think bicyclists are total dicks.

I can only hope that this piece was a work of fiction, and that the person who wrote it was simply acting out such a ridiculous and knee jerk reaction within the safe confines of their own minds. Otherwise there is just one more motorist out there who won’t think twice about exacting their revenge on some other random bike rider, somewhere along the way.

Now, because I’m tired of talking about it, here is Glucifer to cleanse our brain palates;

I saw these guys in a tiny little club in San Francisco a bunch of years ago called Bottom Of The Hill, and nearly irreparably tore five of my twenty four primary get down muscles. I spent the following eighteen months in rehab before I could even tap my toe again.

Speaking of toes, I have been blessed with a small selection of pre-segrated socks for the sock segregationist in you;
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Personally, I prefer my socks to be unmatched. It makes me feel unique like Pippy Longstocking, or her stoner counterpart, Hippy Bongstocking

Anyway, these bad dogs are only five bucks a pair, and when they’re gone, they’re gone.

… Which reminds me, as of today, you only have nine or so days in which you can order one of the severely limited EVIL Cycling/ C-R-C/ AHTBM jerseys;
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I know I’m throwing a lot of stuff for you to throw your hard earned money down for.. Really cool stuff actually, and it’s not intentional that it all should become available at the same time. It just worked out that way.

As a matter of fact, in ten days or so I will be taking a shipment of custom AHTBM caps, handmade in San Francisco by none other than Chuey Brand, and then some time after that, I’ll be getting some new shirts in from Stroker Ace Screen Printing, straight outta Portland East.

Then if that weren’t enough, I had a brief exchange on Wednesday with someone who works at someplace that makes skid lids about the possibility of a specially branded helmet.
Those are all of the details I will mention, because those are all of the details that I have, but assuming that the hour glass doesn’t doesn’t run out on me, this year is set to leave us all looking incredibly well dressed.

That is unless I get hit in the face with a bat.
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17 Responses to “Third hourglass for 2011.”

  1. dayton January 7, 2011 at 7:46 am #

    Thanks, Stevil, for calling out idiot actions.
    everyone in our trenches wants bicycle advocacy to make leaps forward, and many work hard to see it do so.
    But is it any wonder that some motorists hate us when people act like the stories cited here?
    As my old friend Yeshua said, “turn the other cheek, and we’ll get better bike lanes”

  2. Velorambling January 7, 2011 at 8:26 am #

    No need to ask what is in that guys mouth but why are all of the adults frightened and the children non plussed? The little girl in pink appears to be praying to her personal form of savior and the redheaded girl could care less. Perhaps the children do indeed know more than the so called adults

  3. Dan Large January 7, 2011 at 8:27 am #

    Thanks Stevil.
    This should be required reading for all the neophyte, self entitled, “hipsters” who are fred’n up this joint some of us call life.

  4. Max January 7, 2011 at 9:44 am #

    you know what’s badass? getting your teeth knocked out in a fight, not smashing a parked car and then writing an email about it. loserville.

  5. irishpunk59 January 7, 2011 at 10:36 am #

    new hats? will they come in buckethead sizing I know someday it will be warm enough to not wear flappycaps so maybe time to get new ones for the Boy and meself

  6. Chezedog January 7, 2011 at 10:44 am #

    Suppose it just ain’t your day. Your car breaks down, you get a ticket for leaving it there, then some asswipe breaks your mirrors and headlights.
    Now I know why people throw stuff at me when I’m riding my bicycle…

  7. Jim January 7, 2011 at 10:56 am #

    Most people would be grateful at being forced into a marijuana hole. So what’s the problem? I don’t get it.
    TW: horse suburbs. Not with the zoning in my subdivision, you don’t.

  8. Christo January 7, 2011 at 11:21 am #

    Good post Stevil, I agree on the cyclo-rage, sadly, I used to be one of those hyper-sensitive cyclists.
    The more people see what dicks they are, the less often it’ll happen.
    Heading to the AHTBM market for some socks now..

  9. joe doom January 7, 2011 at 11:41 am #

    when i ride my bike at night, i mount a light emitting machine to the handlebars (and to the seat tube for that matter). that way I can see past my own idiocy and avoid poles and holes….. it’s a good thing.

  10. JohnnyDoe January 7, 2011 at 12:03 pm #

    To quote Vonnegut:
    We must be careful about what we pretend to be.
    Homie the car smasher must remember that if he pretends to be a hostile & irrational jackass, he will be treated as such at a later point in time. And it just might hurt a bit when it does.

  11. curtis January 7, 2011 at 12:25 pm #

    It looks like your downtube waterbottle is filled with poorly hydrated urine. Have you been taking samples on your road rides?
    I think you’re taking the whole urinalysis lesson from specialized a little too seriously.
    Speaking of which, save me two pair of the big budweiser socks, por favor.

  12. David January 7, 2011 at 1:47 pm #

    I’ve long thought that there should be open season on double parked cars — even before I was a cyclist or heard of bike lanes. To stop your car in a lane of traffic is a tremendously selfish act, and risk of material damage to your car would do more to curb that practice (pun intended) than any threat of ticket or tow truck.

  13. reed January 7, 2011 at 2:12 pm #

    i’ve worked in the bike biz for 30 years or so, and yes, a lot of cyclistas ARE dicks. i guess stereotyping does save alot of time, but we’re all just another cross-section of amerikan melting pot. (i said “pot”!). i think that fred really meant that he “streeted” home, but maybe he really did road home on the rode?

  14. Jeff January 7, 2011 at 7:43 pm #

    Ok for one it is not like punching someone in the face because they inadvertently bumped into you and made you spill your chocolate milk on your new white sailor suit, it’s more like punching someone in the face because they PURPOSELY bumped into you and made you spill your chocolate milk on your new white sailor suit. I’m not saying it’s right….. I’m just saying. Also your friend Joe Is a class 1 pussy (that’s one step above class 2 for those keeping count) and your taste in music sucks.

  15. el tony January 8, 2011 at 9:36 am #

    I agree with Jeff. Everyone needs to go on the Book of Faces and join our new Cyclists Against Drivers Aggressively Parking in Bike Lanes and Digging Strategically-Placed Pot Holes to Destroy the Self-Propelled Revolution Coalition (@CADAPBLDSPPHDSPRC on Twitter… follow us!) and put an end to this persecution.

  16. chiggins January 10, 2011 at 8:08 am #

    I wanna thank Jeff.
    Friday I was kinda under the gun, so I didn’t have time to watch Gluecifier. It happens.
    But if it hadn’t been for Jeff’s dismissive judgment of your taste in music, and your response this morning, I might not have come back to this post to check ’em out.
    They fuckin’ rock and I’ve got a new band to check out, so thanks Jeff! (And please feel free to list any other bands whose rock stylings you don’t approve of, thanks in advance).

  17. daver January 11, 2011 at 12:44 pm #

    i want a jersey! but I’m poor. I’m going to go slap some kids in the face, it’s their fault.