Waiting by a phone that I’m afraid will never ring.

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Some time during the middle of the week, I received a generous offer from a fellow named Bryan who was representing a company called Bike Werx to assist me with my writing duties here on the Black Market web log.
I should also note that due to the fact that they are both residents of Florida, in my mind’s eye Bryan looks something like Mr. James Way;
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Anyway, he posed his request;
“Hi:
We are interested in writing a guest post for your blog about cycling or any other topic. If that’s something which is amenable to you, please contact me.
Thank you for your time.
Bryan”

“This must be a gift from God”, I thought. ” I love both cycling and any other topic!”
Feeling tired of my day to day duties here, and having just moments earlier wished for an anonymous helper, I enthusiastically accepted;
“Bryan,
I think this is a great idea. If you could pen a five to seven hundred word piece including images concerning Giovanni Visconti getting robbed of his win by Diego Ulissi in the 17th stage of the Giro d’Italia, a cute video involving either a dog, a cat, or both, a mention of David Yow’s penis, and then conclude it with a few words about how the Jews were responsible for 9/11, that would be fantastic.
P.S. Feel free to use as many bad words as you like.
P.P.S. Can I get this sent to me on a floppy disk?
Best wishes,
Stevil”

At this point I figured it could go either way, but was pleased when he responded thusly;
“That was awesome! At least we see eye to eye about the Jews being responsible for 9/11. You are an amazing creature my friend. I’m happy we’ve met. Keep up the good work!
Just make sure you keep following your mission statement of not selling out to all the big advertisers who ruin the industry (like the ones you link on your site).
With your approval I’ll get started on the story you requested below. You just have to promise me that you won’t stick your needle dick in the floppy and thus ruin this collaboration of wizards, warlocks, unicorns, and the underlying doping conspiracy.
P.S. Enjoy your weekend alone in your shack somewhere in the woods”

The nuances of sarcasm or even the subtleties of humor can be often times lost in the tone of an email. He seemed to be on the same page, but mentioning both my needle dick and the fact that I live alone in the woods seemed kind of harsh, plus I was also confused by his reference of ‘an underlying doping conspiracy’.
Lastly I had to re-read my mission statement to find out what just what he was talking about, followed by a quick scan of my advertisers to see which ‘big companies’ could be found there.
Befuddled, I assumed he had been looking at another website, so to further test the waters, I replied again;
“That’s exactly the response I was looking for. You pass.”
It was at this point that Bryan came back swinging;
“That’s right. Just as the women, people, and the rest of society has done to you, I too pass.”
Woah, Nelly…. Hold the phone. Bryan is stating that not only women, and people (who according to him are different from one another) but the rest of society (who apparently is different fom both women and people) have, in his eyes, passed me by?
I replied with the above query, but got no response. It’s a lonely place here by myself in the mountains, with nothing to keep me company but my needle dick and the occasional spam email from hapless desk monkeys who schlep for generic bike mail order companies..
And so it goes trying to find internet friends in Florida..
No sooner did Bryan vanish into the ether did the following mini-trailer come across my desk later that morning. If you like ether the Super Fuzz, or the Big Muff, take a gander;

I don’t know much more about this other than what I found on the film producer’s website, which as you can plainly see is nothing more than what I just posted. I have a special soft spot in my heart for this band, and I greatly anticipate a time when I can see this in its entirety.
Not having anything to do with honey, and only a little bit to do with mud, a couple of weeks ago I was bombarded with events and fund raisers to help and support some of our comrades with cancer. One of those notifications was for the fella, name of Mike Tag.
As I would have guessed, his compatriots from FBM have a slew of events scheduled;
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Even if you wouldn’t plan to partake in the riding, go to one of these for the hangout and offer your support that way.
There will almost assuredly be at least one hamburger and some fireworks in it for you.
Now, if I might blow my own horn for a second.. A couple weeks ago I was the lucky candidate for a mini interview with New York City Velo.
It’s about as compelling as a book full of photos of twenty-somethings and their new bicycles, but on the chance that you are attracted to such a thing, I present to you their (Five) Points;
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That popping sound you just heard was my shoulder dislocating as I patted myself on the back.
Moving on… I mentioned some time ago that Mr. Blacksocks graciously flowed me a pair of the new Giro Trans road shoes to use, abuse and ultimately write about;
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Old photos, new shoes.
Now that I have a solid three months of riding with this shoe, I feel as though I might now be able to provide a somewhat educated description of it for you here.
For a decade I have been solely (no pun intended) committed to both Diadora and Shimano road shoes. As a creature of habit, I find something that works, and I stick with it like so much glue. Being the whore that I am however, my product commitment can only be swayed by receiving something for free. Of course that’s not to say that if I didn’t like it, I would sugarcoat the truth to save face with the maker of said item.
Happily, there is no sugarcoating to be done in regards to these, as in the hundreds of miles that we have traveled together, they have not given me one single ounce of trouble;
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New photo, old shoes.
The soles are as stiff as they were on the day I first slipped them on, and in all of the hours of use, the uppers have shown little to no signs of fatigue. I realize that with only 90 days of use, this isn’t an accurate gauge of the shoes longevity, but if this initial time span is any indication of how they would serve a person in the long term, much like their dirt worthy sibling, I’m still completely convinced that Giro has knocked their entire shoe line well out of the park.
Now that we have gotten that out of the way, I will announce a deadline for the ‘send a postcard and put yourself in the running for some various Paved Magazine/ Sh*tbike stuff prize pack contest’.
The rules are easy.
Send a postcard with some evidence of your own creativity, as well as a t-shirt size and number of feet at the end of your legs to:
AHTBM
POB 686
Soquel, Ca. 95073

I’ll be picking some winners on Friday the third, and announcing them on Monday the sixth of June..
I have women’s shirts as well, so if a snazzy black on black Paved shirt strikes your feminine fancy, get cracking.
Postcards are one of my favorite things. As a matter of fact, up here on the mountain, besides my needle dick, they are pretty much all I have with which to entertain myself.
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15 Responses to “Waiting by a phone that I’m afraid will never ring.”

  1. Rocky May 26, 2011 at 1:46 pm #

    oh man, i loved that email exchange. that poor guy has the worst job ever.

  2. Pablo Picnostral May 26, 2011 at 1:52 pm #

    If I send you a dickish email can I guest-write your blog?

  3. Matt May 26, 2011 at 2:43 pm #

    Yea, quit selling out. I mean, fucking Sticker Robot is going to take over the world. Robots with stickers = doomsday. I have to say, I think that the dude just wanted a free plug that you got played into.

  4. Stevil May 26, 2011 at 3:04 pm #

    Matt,
    If there is one thing I know about this site’s readership, it’s that they are all suckers for mail order bike parts…
    And Florida.
    I was happy to oblige.

  5. curtis May 26, 2011 at 3:22 pm #

    Anyone willing to spell works as “werx” obviously has a great sense of sarcasm.

  6. Cvo May 26, 2011 at 3:24 pm #

    I know someone from Florida too, he’s also a dick. ( not u Jermey Q)

  7. Bob May 26, 2011 at 6:32 pm #

    Aw man, I thought I was your BFF from Florida.
    Needle dick.

  8. JT May 27, 2011 at 5:53 am #

    Oh man, during my brief stint in Bellingham, WA in 2002 I got to see Mudhoney play a show at a local bar for 8 bucks. Definitely a highlight, and my only regret was not sticking around to chat afterwards. The pain killers I was on for some busted bones & ribs kinda made the night that much fuzzier.

  9. gob May 27, 2011 at 7:40 am #

    I’ll totally write snarcastic nonsense updates on your website for almost free, and be your Florida friend, too. I won’t even mention your needle dick, that’s rude as fuck.

  10. Jenny OH May 27, 2011 at 9:09 am #

    I’d be happy to write guest posts for you on the following: the latest fashion styles, dating tips, how to make your man happy in bed, Hollywood gossip, easy 10-minute dinner recipes and honey badgers.

  11. irishpunk59 May 27, 2011 at 9:24 am #

    fuck, James Way has sure gone ta hell since whenever I hear FLA does that to a fellow

  12. TB May 27, 2011 at 9:30 am #

    You know who should get a guest spot on your site (in all seriousness)? What about Chopper, of BIKE magazine fame? That guy shares your dark humor and knows far too much about bikes…much like yourself. Shit, he taught me how to piss whilst riding. What more could one ask for?

  13. Warlocks Bike Club May 27, 2011 at 11:49 am #

    We are in no way affiliated, associated or collaborating with “wizards and unicorns” and resent the suggestion, Bryan.

  14. xyxax May 27, 2011 at 7:55 pm #

    A somewhat funny David Yow story (non-penis edition):
    Show in Chicago (Metro), Yow doing his thing on the top of the crowd. Back on stage, he holds up his hands and yells everyone to stop, he’s lost his (newish) wedding ring. House lights go up, everyone gets down and has a look around. Someone finally finds it, returns to owner. Show goes on. Phewwwww.

  15. zombykiller hesern May 27, 2011 at 8:06 pm #

    It’s not the first time somebody has got all butt hurt when they found out their lady prefers men in ORANGE jumpsuits.