“Which one of y’all hit me?” -Detective James Carter

Ahh jeez.
Gif file pinched from The Whore Church.
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You ever have one of those days?
It’s not necessarily a bad day mind you. In fact, it’s a good day.. Even a whole series of them, but when you have been living out of boxes and you can find your tanning lotion, and you have spackle under your fingernails and all of your biggest and most feathery pimp hats are in storage, all you want to do is have some semblance of organization in your world.
It’s been like that around here, and I’m hoping that in a week’s time or so, the dust will have settled and I can get back to business as usual.
Not only am I moving physically, but I’m moving virtually as well, and this whole site is in the process of getting an array reconstructive surgeries. (To call it reconstructive is a bit of a misnomer. It would be like someone with a big nose getting it powdered rather than getting it smallified). The interior of the Black Market store will give you some idea of what’s cooking, but until the switch is actually flipped, I have no idea what’s ahead.
I might just wind up at the end of the internet.
With all of this being said, I am taking a week’s leave of absence (or at least maintaining a sporadic posting schedule) and will be returning for full time duty on Monday the 13th of February (or March 1st. Really, at this point, this month is so screwed up I couldn’t tell you what is going on). In that time I will be poking around here and there, and maintaining the AHTBM Facebook page, Flickr page, Tumblr page, Twitter feed, and now the Google Plus page, or perhaps just soothing my frazzled nerves with spontaneous bursts of dancing like Rerun;

I will also make a second, or third, of fourth to final announcement that the order window for The new AHTBM speed suit closes on Monday the sixth of Febuary. That’s in two days for those of you without big, or even small wall calendars.
Here is a photo of a number of items from my speed suit ensemble drying on a rack;
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Even hanging in a soggy state they look fast, which is more than I can say for the clothing’s occupant.
Speaking of soggy occupants, a new episode of Horseshit From a Dirtbag has dropped, and as the kids say, ‘it’s horrible’.
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… Just like the person who wrote it.
In an attempt at offering some fodder that’s not impossibly offensive, I have a correspondence from Dennis regarding cyclocross athletic pursuiting;
“Stevil-
I had to send this one to you because I finally figured a way to work Danzig into a race report.
Forgive any typos… I am far worse than you in that department.
Race
Surf City Finals
Santa Cruz CA, Harbor High
45B
Teammates , Tim Simanski, Brian Ort, Kurt Wallace, Steve Anderson and Thom Fox (55+)
Slightly new course since some of the grounds and parking were unavailable due to other athletic endeavors. Originally the race was supposed to be at Watsonville, but Dave Gill got Harbor High. I was probably the only person disappointed. Well, Maybe Matt Schwartz (HUP United). He said something about the course not being suited to Zaftig racers like him and I. Gotta love that word since it rhymes with Danzig.
The course, It featured most of the elements of previous versions. Long fast pavement downhill with speed bumps, some twists and turns on dirt and pavement. Off camber stuff, bumpy descents etc… the main change was the steep pavement climb that they usually used to start the race was featured each lap followed by the old ride/run up as a descent with a nice sharp bumpy turn. Turns on grass followed by the brand new ride/run up. It was steep and midway up it has 2-3 inches of loose top soil (almost sand). It turned right and there were unridable tree roots;
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Photo credit, Jeff Namba.
I got up early that morning and watched Neils Albert crush on the sand in Belgium. I decided that I was inspired by the “The Neils” and would try to channel a fraction of his power and ride that beast each lap. I call him The Neils because I started referring to Sven Nys and “The Sven” years ago because of his machine like dominance in many races, followed by his robotic sounding flemish interviews which I could only guess what he was saying. Now all good Belgian racers get the “The Treatment”. Although I use first names for some and last names for others. “The Tom” is for Boonen and Phillipe is “The Gilbert”
I digress, but I figured you loyal readers should get the full Monty.
We lined up with 5 Mice in a field of 20. I usually finish exactly in the middle when riding great so riding that hill each lap was my only real goal. off we go and I get a near middle of the pack start with Kurt and the other mice all in front of me. Looks like a good day for the mice until we cross the barriers near the S/F line. Around the corner and two mice are down. Kurt and Steve. I got by cleanly;
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Photo credit, Gary Hudson, Cycle Masters or Turlock.
Another digression. Most of my mouse mates have been stronger than me at just about all the races except for Stafford Lake. Tom Taylor has been crushing and should have lost of fun in the 45 A’s. Tim is pretty fast too when mechanicals or laying on the ground has not waylaid him. Only raced with Brian 2x…. Steve is a pretty fast guy caught between and A and B place and I always want to say Mr Anderson a la Matrix but I am horrible at impersonations. Thom is just an amazing old due who races so much…. Then there is Kurt. Kurt crushed at his first C race and moved right on up (props for that). Now he is a contender in the B’s because he rides hard and fast, but he also tends to bounce off stuff. Fortunately he has bounced pretty well all year so now Kurt is Kurt “Pachinko” Wallace. If he stays upright when he bounces, he is going to be a force next year!
I get past that bottleneck and stick with the group through the next run up and the climbing starts. I go back some and get to the run up in tight traffic…. somehow I ride it even with two guys bailing in front of me. The short run up the roots just about kills me but it was still fun. 2nd lap is much like the first except, I see Kurt and Steve gaining and eventually getting by me. THe run up was still crowded on the second lap but I made it. 3rd lap was steady and I was staying behind Steve. I lost a spot on the 4th lap but got past a couple others and even passed Steve just before the run up. I knew he was having a bad day. The final lap was just about getting up that hill one more time. It was really loose by now but I made it with determination and my “wuss” gearing. 34×28!! I don’t rock the 38 anymore.
I ended up 13th of 20 so only a little off last year. had a great time and we mice finished with 4 in a row 11th-14th with only Brian blowing by taking third.
Paule , Tom Taylor raced other races and Julie skipped out but still got on the overall podium
It has been a fun first season with TRM other than that whole getting hit by a car and breaking stuff thing. So glad Julie and Paule invited/welcomed me when I was looking around.
I am amazed I got to do 11 CX races after breaking my shoulder, 2 cx frames, 1 fork, 4 wheels destroyed. killed 3 tubular tires and a helmet;
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Fortunately, Chris Lane was super helpful getting me an estimate for insurance and I was able to offset those costs and end up with a killer modern CX bike that I can’t wait to race again
I might race a couple times between now and Sept but not much, but I hope we have some cool team functions between now and then
If you made it this far, Thanks for reading!
D”

Dennis is a good guy who used to be big and round and now he’s small and fast.
Though my body and words will be absent, (or maybe not. As I said, everything is in the air at the moment) my heart will be present and filling orders, and mostly returning emails, and probably not answering the phone.
Be good, dear readership.
We will catch you on some kinda flip side.
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5 Responses to ““Which one of y’all hit me?” -Detective James Carter”

  1. pedalman February 3, 2012 at 7:24 am #

    Did you remember to unpack the KISS figures immediately? Could explain your harmonic imbalance.

  2. reverend dick February 3, 2012 at 8:53 am #

    I like The Dennis’ moxie.
    And on a side note, Paint Your Wagon is my favorite film.

  3. HeavyJ February 3, 2012 at 10:47 am #

    I like Pooping.

  4. Loudass, Esq. February 3, 2012 at 12:09 pm #

    Paint Your Wagon? Are you fucking high? The Professionals. Point Blank. Emperor of the North. Hell In the Pacific. The Dirty Dozen. The Big Red One. The Killers. The Wild One. The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. Death Hunt. Prime Cut. And yes, even Delta Force.
    Do you realize that Lee Marvin turned down the role of Pike in The Wild Bunch because he got more money to do Paint Your Wagon? That’s like if Ozzy turned down Tony’s offer to join Earth so he could go sing in a church choir instead…

  5. reverend dick February 4, 2012 at 8:37 am #

    LOLS.
    Ok. The Professionals is the better film. But. It’s not my favorite.
    As for Emperor of the North- just no. It could have been great.
    Hell in the Pacific flat out sucked- waaaaaay too much grunting.