Gifts from grumpy old men.



While perusing the comments section of one post or another last week, I came across one submitted by Papa Bruce Gordon (I didn’t even know he looked at this site, let alone could read) asking if I had gotten any time on the re-issue Rock ‘n Road tire which El Poobah Grandé Sweatpants brought to me six or eight weeks ago;


His query inspired me to pen a short and probably partially inaccurate review on them. I say ‘probably inaccurate’ because (with the exception of the Rapha Nipple Shaver) I prefer to have months of time and ample opportunity to try a thing in a myriad of conditions before I offer any perspective. I have yet to try them in winter conditions, and only have a little bit of experience with them in spring conditions, as the world dried out shortly after I put them on my bike, but if that’s ok with you, it’s ok with me.

As one who was raised with an appreciation for the ‘aggressive tread pattern’ of a Panaracer Dart and Smoke combo, (which for me, also set the bar for how a tire should respond), I began riding the Rock n’ Roads with cautious optimism. With a tread pattern that borders on meek in comparison to the aforementioned Panaracer, I assumed that even with the tail end of hero dirt season that existed when I first took delivery, and especially the dry conditions that exist now, they might be a touch on the skittery side, but like usual, I was proven wrong immediately.

In the midst of a recent adventure where my plan was to do a ride with as much varying terrain as I could find until I had just enough energy to return home, I threw everything I could at the tires;






It was without exception that they handled it all like a champ. With the low profile tread, rolling resistance on hard packed fire road and black top was nil, yet offered more than enough bite to comfortably navigate single track that varied from buffed out to the laterally rutted and technical rocky sandstone that the sweet East Bay is known for.

I was more than impressed with the Rock n’ Roads and look forward to trying them out in more conditions to see if my initial perspective holds true. For now however, they have dashed my reservations and have found a happy home on my Dirtbomb;
At this rate, I will have to commit to the idea that Papa Bruce actually knows what he’s talking about.

In other news of dirt related goings on, Brice from BIKE Magazine sent me a text with a request to post an article he felt to be of some importance;

“Why the XC Eliminator is Bad for Mountain Biking”

Ok, I can certainly see what the beef is, but at what point in the planning stages did someone not pipe up and mention that there really was no interesting aspect of this course?

That’s the UCI for you.

Then again, have you seen London’s 2012 Olympic course?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPdPGZm0wgw

When you have to import obstacles, the battle has already been lost.

As we traipse from that subject to another, we’ll get to an email that Mike from Portland East’s The Brothers Banjo sent about some goings on in their camp;

“Since Banjo Mike and Banjo Eric are damn old (40+) our job is to toss out outdated cultural references – as in the killer subject line referring to the hilarious Conan O’Brien sketch from….ah hell.. I can’t remember.

If They Mated
Pictures of two famous celebrities, usually believed to be dating at the time, are shown. The pictures are then combined into a grotesque new picture of what their offspring would look like if they mated. The segment became so successful that it later spawned a book. The last item in the sketch often makes a joke using an unaltered photograph of a celebrity as the offspring: for example, if Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden (“two of the most hated people in the world”) were to have a child, it would be Steve Bartman. Another notable example; Paris Hilton and her pet chihuahua would create George W. Bush.

The short story long is we helped the cool kids (T6) on the block create this snappy son-of-a-gun backpack… or as they like to Say “Back Sack” — it’s got all the hallmark features of a Banjo Bag – well-made, designed for people who like to ride bikes, plus it comes with a zest that only the cool cats at T6 could come up with.

Mr. Brad Quartaccio of Urban Velo snapped the photo of the T6 Bag, while drinking beer with us, getting ready for the Cutter’s Ball..

Smart. Sexy and in stock as of May 9th…details to follow on the twinsix.com.website.com.

That’s all for now…”

While Mike and Eric play the ‘if they mated’ game, since my days working in a bike shop I have long been a fan of passing the time with the ‘would you rather’ game, which if you recall, I pulled a doozy out for during my time at Specialized Bicycle’s HTC media junket.

Now that I work at home however, I don’t get much opportunity to play because I’m alone a lot and Demonika refused to engage in the process with me.

Anyway, The Banjo Brothers make some mighty fine wares and even (very generously) bestowed a couple of their items on me recently;

That right there is the small Deluxe seat bag and two cell phone holsters (which as of yet aren’t on the site).

I was excited about the holsters and asked Mike what hoops I would have to jump through to get one. Apparently the only hoop I had to jump through was to go to my PO box, and for that I thank them.

It also inspires me to start a contest.

Since no one took me up on the challenge to cliff dive at Denver’s most famous horrible restaurant, and it’s been a long time since my last contest (remember the one? Ride rollers for half an hour doing a shot of beer every minute for signed copys of JPHNH’s book Come and Gone?)

It was a good one.

I figured now would be as good a time as any since I don’t need two cell phone holsters, and I have an array of other goodies that have been sent to me over the months.

So the challenge I pose is simply this;

The person who provides me the ten best ‘would you rathers’ gets a gift pack worthy of royalty, if said royalty ruled over a small city state that no one had ever heard of. Besides what is pictured, I’ll find some other cool stuff to throw in as well. I just grabbed what I could reach;
That said, I promise you that all of this merchandise is new, (except for the Luchador) and has never been soiled by me or anyone else. (Except for the Luchador).

I’ll even see if Papa Bruce has anything he’d like to throw in.

That is besides the free advice to get a haircut and stay off his lawn.

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24 Responses to “Gifts from grumpy old men.”

  1. Snakebite May 23, 2012 at 5:33 am #

    That’s the Olympic mountain bike course?!? I wonder what it would take to get the Olympic committee to relocate that sombitch to Spearfish and run the race on the Dakota Five-O course (bacon station / PBR stop included).

  2. dicky May 23, 2012 at 6:34 am #

    Would you rather work at donkey ball sorting and canning facility or race XC Eliminator?

    Sorry, that’s all I got.

  3. Joseph Sadlocha May 23, 2012 at 6:41 am #

    That’s a nice bike path those Olympians will be riding on. Stevil; Would you rather smell Courtney Love’s asshole every new years eve for the rest of your life, or perform oral sex on the Octomom to climax once?

  4. Coxwill May 23, 2012 at 6:59 am #

    Would you rather run full speed into a wall with a boner or watch Legal Blonde 1 and 2…sober

  5. Stevil May 23, 2012 at 7:00 am #

    I’d rather preform oral sex on the Octomom while racing the XC Eliminator and watching Legally Blond one and two. Also, my parents read this site. Sweet. There’s a visual they will disown me over.

  6. Ben May 23, 2012 at 7:03 am #

    As much as I might like to have a “Blind tree root drop descent” in my back yard, that course looks like sh*t. I agree with Snakebite, Perry? Spearfish Olympics 2016? At least they imported obstacles with catchy names.

    • Perry May 26, 2012 at 10:17 am #

      I am surprised they don’t have a bacon station, PBR handup don’t all races now daze have one? I thought we should have copyrighted that biz…
      2016 Dakota Five-0 is booked, we will be hosting the Specialized Olympics and will prombtly be changing the names of the trails and importing more British Ales, Maybe..

  7. hellbelly May 23, 2012 at 7:42 am #

    It will be a nice course if it rains. Now, what do I get besides my own (and naturally hers, ha!) glowing satisfaction of selecting some enchanted time with the Octomom?

  8. Largo May 23, 2012 at 7:56 am #

    “Pasture” biking? “Meadow” biking? Either way, pretty damned sad.
    Maybe they could set loose a large herd of Sheep to keep riders on their toes?

  9. db May 23, 2012 at 8:32 am #

    That’s pretty much rollerblading at that point…

  10. kurtz May 23, 2012 at 10:00 am #

    Would you rather…

    1 – Hang by a wire saw threaded through your nostril / throat / mouth that would eventually cut through, or give Rush Limbaugh an enthusiastic oil back-massage during his broadcast, occasionally nibbling on his neck and nodding with zealous glee for his rantings?

    2 – Excrete pure liquid kimchi and garlic from all your orifices / pores 24/7, or have a glass rod lodged in your urethra smashed by a hammer?

    3 – Melt down all your bicycles to drive a Ford Excursion forever, or poop a little upon seat contact at the beginning of every bicycle ride?

    4 – Fight one of Michael Vick’s pit bulls, with the opportunity to fight Michael Vick himself if you win, or hang out with Glenn Danzig for a day, constantly asking him if Danny Marianino punches like a girl.

    5 – Live on a ‘diet’ of Pizza Hut’s Triple Meat Italiano for the rest of your (most likely short) life, or wear only one shirt that reads “Casey Anthony is Innocent (and sooooo HOT)”?

    6 – Only have conversations with CrossFit fanatics, or spend a day on a landscaping crew, feeding tree limbs into a woodchipper while wearing 30 loose jelly bangles on each arm?

    7 – Never drink another drop of alcohol, or drink a fifth of Jameson during every shift as a Pre-School Crossing Guard?

    8 – Spend every lunch getting chest-slapped and Figure 4 leg-locked by Rick Flair, or slap Stephen Hawking’s hand every time he tries to type?

    9 – Watch the “Surfin’ Bird” bit during Bab’s birthday party in Pink Flamingos with your best friend’s grandparents, or act it out to Oakland PD at a DUI checkpoint?

    10 – Floss three times daily with pubic hairs from truck stop toilet stalls, or get repeatedly kicked in the genitals by David Beckham to the beat Posh Spice singing Motörhead’s “Bomber” album.

  11. kURT May 23, 2012 at 10:33 am #

    1. WEAR A RAPHA NIPPLE GRATER BASE LAYER WHILE BODY BOARDING HORRIBLY DRAGGED ALONG THE BOTTOM OR FRENCH KISS YOUR CAT AFTER THERE DONE LICKING THEIR PRIVATES.

    2. NEVER RIDE A BIKE AGAIN OR FORGO HAVING INTERCORSE EVER AGAIN ALONE OR “SELF LOVE”

    3. WATCH PRETTY IN PINK WHILE DRESSED LIKE MOLLY RINGWALD IN THE LOCAL BIKER BAR OR DRINK A COSMO AT THE SAME BAR WJILE WEARING A SHIRT THAT READS IM THE BITCH THAT FELL OFF

    4. RUIN YOUR SOON TO ARRIVE SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT REPLICA JERSEY AGAIN OR NEVER WEAR THE REPLACEMENT

    5. WATCH THE KIM KARDASIAN SEX TAPE WITH YOUR MOM OR TRAIN TO YOUR PO BOX IN ONLY THE SHIMANO FANNY PACK

    6. DRINK ONLY WATER FOR ETERNITY OR EAT ONLY RADISHES FOR THE REST OF YOURS DAYS

    7. BEING TIED TO BOTH CAV AND THOR AND HAVE THEM SPRINT A TUG OF WAR OR WATCH A REINACTMENT OF THE KIM K TAPE STARRING YOUR BEST FRIENDS GRANDPARENTS

    8.TAKE THE 30 YEAR OLD OLYMPIC SPRINTERS VIRGINTY OR HAVE TIM TEBOW LOSE HIS TO YOU

    9.RIDE 26″ WHEELS AGAIN OR PUT A TRIPLE ON YOUR ROAD BIKE WITH A MTN REAR DERAILUER AND 11-34 CASSETTE

    10. READ THIS TERRIBLE LIST AGAIN OR WISH YOU HADNT INVITED THE COMMENTS

  12. Luscious Dick Tacoma May 23, 2012 at 12:02 pm #

    Chair the local PTA for the rest of your life, or give up beer the rest of your life.

  13. Jessica N May 23, 2012 at 1:23 pm #

    Would you rather get a tattoo of Kurt Cobain eating a bagel on your face or do a 100 mile MTB race wearing a chamois made of astroturf?

  14. Nived May 23, 2012 at 1:34 pm #

    I got to watch someone’s wheel blow up on those stairs… At first they said oh he got a flat,, on the replay,,, his rear wheel was in splinters,,, That was sooo rad! how can that be bad??

  15. jorge May 23, 2012 at 5:35 pm #

    Looks to me like the boys and girls from MORC built that trail for the Olympics. They always have to manufacture rock obstacles to make them think they are better bikers. Instead, let the sucker flow and ride that SOB more then once.

  16. DB May 23, 2012 at 8:29 pm #

    Sometimes it’s really difficult to read your blog and try to explain to my wife why I’m laughing so much.

  17. Andrew Warren May 23, 2012 at 9:33 pm #

    Would you rather

    1. Observe every meal visually as feces (it still smells and tastes like regular food), or be cursed to trip over yourself every 100th step.

    2. Lose your capacity to grow/retain hair, or just SWEAT all the time.

    3. Only be able to ride bicycles without saddles or have the calf muscles of an infant.

    4. Die, or something.

    5. Perform orally on octomom, or win the MegaMillions lottery.

    6. Be able to lick every part of your own body, or lick every part of octomom’s body.

    7. Have your hands reversed (left on right arm & vis versa), or have somebody spray paint your entire self gold every morning.

    8. Wear that Shimano fanny pack ever, or taste Scandanavian pickled shark meat every time you are hung over.

    9. Have the audio to the movie Spinal Tap always playing on loop from your chest for the rest of your life, or not have that happen.

    10. Eat a live bald eagle in front of the pope, or read him every post of this blog.

  18. Cookster May 24, 2012 at 5:02 am #

    It’s extremely flat around Essex so it looks like the Olympic course designers had to cut their suit according to their cloth. I’m baffled as to why they could’nt hold the event in the north of England, Scotland, N Ireland or Wales. The chap who’s in charge of it has a very good reputation for organising mtb races etc so I reckon it’s going to be a lot better than the video makes it look. I’m lucky enough to have been allocated ticket to spectate and am really looking forward to it.

  19. FunkyLaneO May 24, 2012 at 12:33 pm #

    Glue your mouth and nose shut with super glue and have to chew through your own lips to breathe OR spend one hour in a porta potty in the Las Vegas desert, in the summer, on day ten of a Grateful Dead festival (that obviously hasn’t been cleaned or emptied since the beginning of the festival).

  20. 333 May 24, 2012 at 2:10 pm #

    I was thinking of something clever for “would you rather” but there is just no way to top some of these.

    P.S. DRINK ONLY WATER FOR ETERNITY OR EAT ONLY RADISHES FOR THE REST OF YOURS DAYS

    Radishes. Yummy, delicious, colored radishes.

  21. Loudass, Esq. May 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

    All this for a Shimano fanny pack?

  22. lagunitasjdg May 27, 2012 at 8:52 am #

    would you rather wear a Rock Racing kit or teach 2nd grade in Tiburon?

    would you rather listen to Tears for Fears cover Bad Brains or drink vomit from your water bottle during every ride for the rest of your life?

    i would rather get kicked in my face by Bruce Lee than win that stupid Shimano fanny pack, but i am a sucker for free shit.

  23. craig May 29, 2012 at 10:55 pm #

    kurtz at 10:00am if my vote has any weight. i was spitting on the screen.