A brand new us.

Right here and right now, can we all agree that we’ll promise to focus all of our mental power on undoing all of the bad that’s occurred in 2017?

Seriously.

Now that the orange clown has proven himself dumber than another orange clown, I don’t know how much more I can take;

So having said that, let’s move on.

In a new segment I’ll call ‘New Year, New Content‘, (which most likely will stop as soon as it’s started), I’m going to offer up a good old fashioned record review.

The music comes by way of Aaron Edge, and goes by the name of Bible Black Tyrant;

Ironically, just twenty four hours before Aaron reached out to me, a friend had actually asked me if I ever do music reviews. “I would if people sent me music to review” I said in response, and then lo and behold, along comes Aaron;

I don’t suppose you’d be interested in writing a review for that Bible Black Tyrant recording that I sent ya a few months ago? It goes live for preorder on the 21st of this month, with a release date of February 16th of 2018.

If not, I totally understand, as it’s not a normal thing you do.

Best,
A

Truth be told, I’ve had music reviews in the last couple of issues of the AHTBM fanzine, a more memorable one perhaps being that for the latest Refused LP in which I likened it to licking a battery, or somebody surprising you with a finger in your butthole;

Then again, perhaps that’s but one of the reasons no one has ever sent me music to put my proverbial spin on.

Anyhow, I told Aaron I’ve give ‘Regret Beyond Death’ a listen, and give it a listen I did. Repeatedly, and with much enjoyment. If ‘enjoyment’ is the correct adjective when listening to music so brutal you feel like you’re drowning in your own blood.

Say what you will about Portland and its current state of self importance, and neckerchief wearing, condo-dwelling asshats. There is a long legacy of murky underbelly in the city that has always had the capacity of influence on underground activities. Burnside, Jim Goad (speaking of asshats, but he is a damn fine writer), Poison Idea, Red Fang, Yob, and etc.

The long moldy winters inspire those of a particular cellular make up to either commit suicide, become a serial killer, binge on drugs, or release a record that acts as a suitable soundtrack for any or all of the aforementioned activities.

Aaron has a long pedigree in the noise game; Iamthethorn, Himsa, Dakessian, Hauler, Grievous, Roareth, among others, (as noted here), and Bible Black Tyrant is just one more notch in his rotting belt;

Along with David S. Fylstra, and Tyler Smith, (Eagle Twin, Lumbar, KVØID, Form of Rocket, Minor Fret, Wasting Seasons, Iamthethorn), to my now-bludgeoned ear they mix in one part Neurosis, a couple of dashes of Fudge Tunnel, and a pinch of EYEHATEGOD, resulting in a cake so sludgy and black, a single sample will send you to the final scene of ‘Requiem For A Dream’, and leave you flattened on the floor;

If any or all of ‘Regret Beyond Death’ by Bible Black Tyrant sounds of interest to you, the 43 minute recording will be available next month via Cheddar Brothers record label, with a CD version available via Argonauta Records, and a cassette version available via Anima Recordings.

And that right there is perhaps why no one would think of trusting me with a record review.

But I thank Aaron, David, and Tyler for giving me a shot.

Having covered that, I feel compelled to now bring up a bit of news which has been texted, messaged, posted, and emailed to me now at least two dozen times;

A number of people have told me that I should open a crowd sourcing page in order to try and afford it, but because crowd sourcing for such luxuries is a bit excessive, I said “yeah, that would be rad, but nah, even though that would be rad“, or some combination of those words each time.

I also appreciated finding this in the comments;

On the chance that I did somehow end up with this, I promise each and everyone responsible that we can drink beer in the back and go chase pretend bad guys whenever you want.

If you want to obsess over every single detail of the build, here’s a video of Ty Freed covering all of them on this work of art that was completed by him, and his students at Vincennes Automotive University;

I need to lie down for a little while.

Some or all or none might remember this truck I came across on Craigslist a year and a half or so ago;

I’m dying. I mean, I realize Cars-R-Coffins and all, but if I had a soul to trade, I’d offer it to possess this truck.

As long as we’re on the topic of stunts and the people who preform them, Cranpa from FBM came through with a video story about one from his own camp;

SK,

Shot this on Tuesday, with my buddy Creson that Ride and dig with-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXOtxTNJr8o

He’s 51 and can drop in at the Lost Bowl on a bike and a skateboard. Total Ape status…

Lemme know what you think!

– cranman

I only relate to those who qualify in ape status.

Finally, I’ll close out with a correspondence from Jocelyn from Portland Design Works;

Stevil,

Under the assumption that you earned yourself nothing but coal lumps again this year, PDW is happy to hook you up Santa-style with some new gear.

The longest night of the whole damn year is next week, so get lit with our new Pathfinder Headlight – it’s got a fancy Euro style vertical cutoff, so you’re not wasting lumen blasting incoming cyclists’ eyeballs on the bike path. Cover your butt-side with two new tail light options: the Daybot has a 100 lumen mode so drivers can’t miss you even on the brightest day rides that last till past dusk and the Gravity has a built-in accelerometer that powers a 100 lumen brake light to alert following traffic that you’re slowing. Pretty fancy, huh?

Thinly blanketed marketing speak aside, Team PDW hopes you’ve had a rad year of rides and that 2018 is no different. Get yourself north sometime soon so we can catch up on a wondering gravel route that ends at old-Portland style bar.

Cheers!
Jocelyn

While it’s true that I did earn myself little more than lumps of coal, news socks, and underwear, Jocelyn, and the good people from PDW came through with a big box of the aforementioned goodies, as well as a new set of fenders to replace my old set that got destroyed in an alcohol related event;

Funny thing was that as I was outside of my post office unloading all of the goods from a great big box into my bag, Arabella the sassiest mail lady in the world came out to check on me.

I explained that it was a care package from one of the companies I worked with, and that from time to time, said company generously sets me up with their new bits and pieces of their hardware. Arabella was intrigued, so I explained a little bit about the lights, and she mentioned she didn’t have any, so riding during the evening was off the table.

Naturally I then extended PDW’s generosity to her and sent her off with a whole batch of goods of her own.

I think that’s less ‘paying it forward‘, and more ‘staying in the good graces of Arabella‘, which if you knew her, the importance of would be abundantly clear.

So it’s with that, I will move from the other topics to my final one, and leave you with a quote from an article I recently read;

“Amazon will own a bigger piece of e-commerce sales this year owning about 44 cents out of every e-commerce dollar spent in the U.S.”

I realize I’m preaching to the choir here, but if you don’t support independently owned businesses, they will go away. This is absolutely a guarantee;

So with in mind, I wish each of you a happy new year.

In conclusion and with my word tank on empty, let us go forward together in this, the very newest of all years and continue to systematically destroy The Man, and all His many dumb tentacles.

It’s what the old us would want.