It’s been an illuminating week and a half to be sure. Between spilling my guts, (here, here, and here, if you’d like a crash course recap), and being in contact with people from far and wide on the subject of depression, therapy, honesty, self evaluation and the like, I’ve inadvertently begun the process of rewiring my brain from the top down.
As I’ve said previously, I don’t presume this is going to be either a quick or painless process, but having finally touched on a set of concepts that I can begin to address, I feel like I at least now have direction, where for years previously I had none.
And in processing all of this newly acquired information, I had a pants-dropper of a realization. Some folks might recall this post in which I describe a defense mechanism I developed early on.
In short, because I felt intellectually inadequate, I beat any would-be attackers to the punch by kicking the shit out of myself first. In some instances it may have been physical abuse (which unto itself is another story entirely, and one that it would seem continues to this day), but more often than not, it was emotional.
I (figuratively) cut myself to the quick before anyone else had a chance to, and this has been my mode of operation for decades. Fast forward to the last three posts, and I’ve recently realized by recognizing and displaying some of my most securely closeted skeletons, I inadvertently took the power away from anyone I might fear would use it against me.
Displaying my fears, self doubt, and general pain, is the exact inverse of my years of self flagellation, but with the added benefit of actually being productive.
Moreover, having made all of this available for public consumption (as well as potential scorn) is hands down the punkest things I’ve ever done. You wanna know what finally running out of fucks to give looks like? From my perspective, just like this.
Second to this, it was just yesterday when I learned the term ‘metacognitive dialog’.
noun: metacognition; noun: meta-cognition
Awareness and understanding of one’s own thought processes.
I think this means an internal discussion with oneself, upon finally beginning to understand one’s own thought process.
The benefit of this is that once you start having this conversation, you very literally begin to rewire neural pathways, resulting in the eventual alteration of one’s own perception. In this case, it’s my own perception of myself, which up until this point has always been less than favorable.
But I will say one thing, in light of these recent realizations, epiphanies, breakthroughs, and declarations, and as I said on Tuesday, at long last I finally have something to hold onto, and a direction in which to swim.
This is a huge victory, and one that I can now at least try to accept all responsibility for achieving. Do I deserve it? I do. Am I worthy of it? I believe I am.