I am a human soft serve machine.

And I just keep turning out the hits. The title really has nothing to do with today’s post, but considering the fact that it just came to me, I’ll use it anyway.
Word has come down that the cyclocross illuminati has dug its boney fingers just a little bit deeper into the world that we love so much.
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To continue Wednesday’s rant about the bulldozing of cyclocrossie (and bike racey in general) good times by a band of self serious jocks, (both on the participant’s as well as the promoter’s sides), Captain Dave has some thoughts that were first posted over on the Ironclad Cycling blog, which I will share with you here;
“You’re seeing it all over. As Cross kicks into high gear, most of us are having fun, despite result or preparedness perhaps not being what we’d like.
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But some cross riders are getting awful serious and in turn awful snarky. We saw some unjustified blabbering about this rider crashing out that rider blah blah from CC#1 on the chat board. It’s Cross. You’re supposed to fall down and get rammed into by other riders and through all of it you’re supposed to smile.
If we were derbying, all contact is expected. If racing, no one wants to purposely wreck into anyone. But yet, as the gene pools of CX series get cross pollenated with so many different agendas, we’re seeing some paradigm shifting taking place.
Along with All Hail the Black Market and a few other less-than-reputable sorts and sites, Ironclad Cycling is helping to bring you the latest spanner in the works. A new impenetrable trend in Cyclocross – as it ever so slowly yet deliberately sees it’s big series nationwide jumping the shark – the Hand Down.
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Where alcohol hand ups are ending up as illegal in several CX series throughout the land, and can result in being DQ’d, we’ve reverse engineered it to whereby the racer loads up beer at the start line and distributes it to lucky spectators around the course.
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The Hand Down. Talk about a win/win, eh? The rider gets to lighten their load, and the spectators get tasty (if perhaps mildly agitated) frothy beverages. And hey, if it falls out of the rider’s pocket and another rider picks it up on course, it’s more of a “pick up” than a “hand up”, no? Finders keepers, losers thirsty.
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Aloha, Mr. Hand…..
I mean, if you’re out there, and we’re out there, doesn’t that make it our time? And if it is our time and we’re out there racing and having a blast (as 90% of us are) then shouldn’t we just keep pedaling and smiling, and skipping the snark and vitriol? It’s only cyclocross, and no one is getting paid, and no one is going to sit on Trebon’s wheel, and falling down, possibly breaking some equipment, and suffering mechanicals that will seriously affect your finishing place are part of the game.
What are you people, on dope?”

This is such a sensitive subject, The Bike Snob (shown here getting cozy with a famous friend) even chimed in on the matter;
“Oh my god, that’s what NYC racing is like every minute of every day. And years ago the guy leading a training clinic for the local club literally told me I was “ruining the ride for everybody” when I accidentally messed up the rotation or something. It took me a few more years to realize “ruining the ride for everybody” meant I was doing it right, and I’m proud to say I’ve ruined many more since.”
Or this one, also from the comments section that may very well have actually been written by the offender in question.
It seems legit enough…
“douchbag here. I recall the incident. not exactly how it went down or the verbage used, but point taken and makes for very good story. I apologize – I am normally pretty considerate of those I try to pass. I am always TRYING to be a better person, but I think most of us do have bad days…..”
Really? Could it be that the real douchebag actually reads this site, let alone wrote in? Assuming that this is a factual statement, let me start by saying thank you and I accept your apology for being a dickhead, which you were.. Secondly you’re right. Most of us DO have bad days, but they are generally confined to those spent at the DMV, or at a crappy job, or while getting a colonoscopy.. Not while we’re playing bicycle racer in and on the dirt, mud, or pavé with our friends.
Granted, if you’re trying to feed your family and/or pay back a bookie from all of your winnings gained at that little piss-ant event, then I would understand the pressure you were under, but I would also recommend you get a better paying job.
Then again, I’ve long contended that perhaps I just don’t have the adequate levels of testosterone to make for a good bike racer and to understand how deadly important each event really is, but I don’t think I have the adequate levels of testosterone to be on Tool Academy either, so maybe I should just embrace who I am..
It’s truly a sad state of affairs when the grief and B.S. of the day to day (alright- that is to say the grief and B.S. of your day to day. On any given Monday-Friday, I can be found in my bathtub sipping Mai Tais) transfers to the weekend and in the single arena where we can let our hair down and engage in a little bit of light hearted goofing off, we’re surrounded by heart attack serious competitors, and the restrictions and regulations are falling like so much rain.
Someone in Boulder is smiling smugly right now.
The only recourse is naturally that there will be a changing of the guard. The tighter the thumb screws are turned, the greater the possibility for revolt, and in doing so, a brand new crop of underground events might emerge.
So with that being said, bring it on, Champions of the purity of bike racing. We’ll take our ball and go home.
Just remember, should you find yourself saddled up to the line at one of these outsider events, don’t be surprised if you get tackled by somebody in a jumpsuit and have a can of beer poured all over your brand new Dugast tubulars.
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In conclusion, many thanks to the internet, Squirrel, Chris, Captain Dave, Jeremy and Ridgemont High School for the visual aides.
In other news, my former compatriot at the hair cutting project Julie, has an event coming up on the Right Coast that if you are near by, you might like to get in on;
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Also, rock and roll is in the air with a current Red Fang tour in the full swing.

They’ve been in the studio, and now they’re back on the road, ready for more of the same of what they delivered last time around, which for me was booze fueled good times until I crashed in the restaurant parking lot and yard saled my stuff everywhere.
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Anyway, check out their web log for the tour dates and regular doses of humor concerning life on the road.
They’re gonna be in Minneapolis this weekend… The Triple Rock Social Club if I’m not mistaken. Do you hear me Minneapolis? Somebody buy them drinks and tell them I said hello.
Just make sure you do it before the set, because you’ll be crawling around on the floor looking for pieces of your eardrums afterwords.
In closing, I would like to redirect you to one particular link up in the ‘Maximo Supremo’ header. You of course recognize Portland Design Works, Soulcraft, Retrotec, and the newest addition of Igleheart but the fifth that’s up there has been somewhat of a mystery for folks. Before I get into it, take a look at this man, but don’t hold that against him;
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He goes by the name Wakeman, but those close to him simply refer to him as Wake..
You see, he could very well responsible for a myriad of bike parts as well as frame designs that you have at one time or another most likely staked your very life on. Everything from Big Cheese, Problem Solvers, to Salsa and Surly. To refer to him as a seriously sharp individual would be a profound understatement.
Well, old Wake fell out of the game for a while and has been concentrating on various freelance fabrication and design jobs outside of bikes, but after some arm twisting on my part has spun his orbit back around into the bicycle world..
It is my hope that anyone in the need of either aforementioned application might consider getting in touch with him and making some magic.
Alrighty.. For this installment of AHTBM, that might just about do it..
I have some peeps in town from Europlandia this weekend, so Monday’s post will be full of international flair and excitement, or I just wont post anything cause they made me smoke hash.
Either way, here is to you all having great weekends yourselves, and to those of you in the Bay Area, I’d like to mention that Fleet Week can suck my balls.
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30 Responses to “I am a human soft serve machine.”

  1. Chezedog October 8, 2009 at 10:19 pm #

    I like airplanes.

  2. joe October 9, 2009 at 4:14 am #

    My wife was told to stop ringing the cowbell last weekend because she was “confusing the riders”. Apparently, we all thought every lap was the bell lap when we rode past her. Apparently, we’re also retarded.

  3. flargle October 9, 2009 at 6:55 am #

    Don’t mess with larpers.

  4. krexus October 9, 2009 at 6:56 am #

    “New Underground Fun-Only Bicycle Circuit”?? YES PLEASE. I haven’t been to any sort of race in the last 10 years because of those chulos and their fun-strangling competitive bullsh*t.

  5. Tony Bullard October 9, 2009 at 7:34 am #

    Damn, sucks to hear things are going the way of the ultra-pro…Cyclocross was the one form of racing I was actually interested in (I’m not very competitive.) I’m trying to get to some races this season…here’s hoping they don’t suck.

  6. Anonymous October 9, 2009 at 7:54 am #

    Can they just cut fleet week down to one day and give the rest of the jet fuel money to us so we can put on some wild events? Think what we could do with jet fuel money… sfflow.com

  7. Elliott @ Violet Crown Cycles October 9, 2009 at 8:01 am #

    I believe the recent mass introduction of carbon cyclocross frames is a harbinger of more of this shit. Nobody that’s not trying to qualify for worlds should be racing a $4000 cyclcross bike.

  8. El Gato October 9, 2009 at 8:19 am #

    Where might one order the “All Hail the Black Market” regulation orange heckler jumpsuit?
    Also, can we name Boulder the center of “Serious” racing and funnel all the post season crit racers there, whilst keeping NorCal free for more silly, yet fast events?
    Keep ‘Cross Crazy!
    El Gato

  9. Stevil October 9, 2009 at 8:39 am #

    EG,
    That not only is a regulation AHTBM jumpsuit, but even beyond that, it is an official Amigos, competition-use-only-jumpsuit, of which there are only four others in existence. You will see many imitators, but few originators. I had to do some very bad things to get into mine.

  10. d*pow October 9, 2009 at 8:46 am #

    I love seeing nice bikes as much as the next guy, but the Cross Crusade at Alpenrose this past weekend was a real eye opener. It was a nice day, and the racing was great, but you couldn’t toss an empty (soda) without hitting a Vanilla, Ridley, Seven or some other $4000 Wunder bike. So for me, it made it that much sweeter when Trebon rode away from everyone to win on a Kona one speed. Proving once again it is the motor that matters.

  11. One Eyed z October 9, 2009 at 8:55 am #

    If the officials think I should be DQed for taking beer hand ups then I guess theres not much I can do but keep taking them. Hell if they let old pros (cough…cough… Steve Tilford) run pratice laps during the women’s begginers race they aren’t gonna do anything to a CAT 4 racer for taking a beer hand up. Luckly here in KCMO CX hasn’t been taken over by the “serious racers” yet. We (Evil, BKB, Black Sheep Cartel, & Team Frank Stallone) are on the front lines to combat it if they try.

  12. KBrooks October 9, 2009 at 9:02 am #

    Holy crap Red Fang is fucking good. And they are playing Pittsburgh in November…
    Thanks for nudging Wakeman back into the fold.

  13. Douchebag-dickhead now October 9, 2009 at 10:26 am #

    yep, read the site -really. pretty dense for my small reptilian brain though…. entertaining to say the least. glad you accept the apology while still slinging shit in my direction. i think the bottom line is we are all having fun and do it in different ways. i like the diversity and think we can always have a mutually beneficial existence. The true culprit here is popularity. the courses are getting packed to the gills. like any aspect of life – the more people you jam into a small place, the more douchebaggery that takes place… it will work out – cross will not change in norcal – the popularity ebs and flows (at least since i have been paying attention ~1999)… You can throw beer on my dugast anytime. just no bodily fluids please.

  14. The Rev October 9, 2009 at 10:31 am #

    Greeting Brother Stevil. just wanted to let you know that in Uyyah where we are not allowed to drink full strength beer, we do have a full strength cross scene where fun is still alive, well, and encouraged. http://thechurchofthebigring.com/2009/10/07/utah-cyclocross-1-video/
    Watch the 2nd video
    Your pal,
    The Rev

  15. youaretheengine October 9, 2009 at 10:44 am #

    GET OFF THE INTERNET! YOU’RE RUINING THE INTERNET FOR EVERYBODY!

  16. K-Dirt October 9, 2009 at 10:57 am #

    F’ing weak. Non-Alcoholic beer and now this. I had a feeling the fun goalies had their eye on CX.

  17. Stevil October 9, 2009 at 11:26 am #

    DBDHN,
    You sir, are a class act and have proven that despite an unpleasant initial interaction, you are capable of not only owning up to it, but recognizing the humor in my account of it. For that I humbly doff my chapeau in your specific direction.

  18. Karl Hungus October 9, 2009 at 11:43 am #

    On the one hand, nobody does self-absorption like middle aged white guys in Norcal, especially those that like bikes (takes one to know one).
    On the other hand it is a bike RACE last time I checked. Imagine that, a “race” where people get all “competitive” and and try to “win”. Unthinkable!
    I’d also like to add that the terms “douchebag”, “douche” and “d-bag” have all officially jumped the shark along with PBR. The term “jumped the shark” has also jumped the shark.
    Love the blog Stevil.

  19. Loudass, Esq. October 9, 2009 at 12:01 pm #

    DBDHN, I second Stevil’s sentiment. If, at the next Surf City or Pilarcitos, you happen across a morbibly obese man on an orange Black Cat singlespeed who is blocking your way, please feel free to let me know that I am ruining the race for everyone. Or just jam a pump in my front wheel like the Italians in Breaking Away.

  20. furryknuckle October 9, 2009 at 12:27 pm #

    so, what’s up with the kid at the top of this post? is it face paint, or has someone been slapping him till one half his face turns red? he is dutch, after all, so he probably had it coming…

  21. samh October 9, 2009 at 12:34 pm #

    Hand downs? Yes, please.

  22. Troy October 9, 2009 at 1:52 pm #

    I love accepting alcoholic beverages from masked, thong wearing strangers, lurking among the bushes in the park!

  23. Colin M October 9, 2009 at 2:13 pm #

    Holy crap, Red Fang in Denver tonight?!?!
    I’m in.

  24. A October 9, 2009 at 3:00 pm #

    I’m ok with Fleet Week per se, but the blue angels can piss right off. All they do is annoy everyone who has the bad luck to work in downtown SF.

  25. Bluenoser October 9, 2009 at 3:21 pm #

    Or, you can just all come up to Nova Scotia for the Non-Canadian cyclocross series held in Halifax in November.
    We don’t give a shit who does what because there are not enough of us to start with. And we don’t throw beer at each other because the gov’t has it taxed to death and it’s too expensive so we like to drink it instead.
    And we are too poor to have expensive bikes so all’s good. The ground may be mucky, may be frozen, may be under snow… something like what cross racing is supposed to be like.
    And you know what? After the race, everyone sticks around and laughs about it.
    Hey Stevil, send me your new snail mail address and I’ll send you a real Belgian flag straight from BlegiEa…
    -B

  26. Rusty October 9, 2009 at 5:50 pm #

    Awesome blog. The comments section is far, far superior to BSNYC. Thanks for the good times.
    Keep your headers sexy.

  27. Azul October 9, 2009 at 7:25 pm #

    That Red Fang tune rocks. The dude blowing reminds me of the Fit Chick that did the same during a recent Dirt Rag interview.

  28. I'm alomost last October 10, 2009 at 1:22 am #

    You guys all worry too much. So some fast guys show up. Who cares?

  29. pedalman October 10, 2009 at 8:06 am #

    I think part of the problem stems from the name, cyclo-cross. It seems some riders are taking the ‘cross’ part literaly. I think we should rename the game. How about cyclo-happy or cyclo-smiley.

  30. Mr MZ October 13, 2009 at 9:50 am #

    So the photo of the red faced kid is actually from a redsux game at fenway. It has been making the rounds for awhile now photoshopped up with whatever the particular brand of townie trash sports worship officially licensed jersey is.
    I like your blog Mr.Stevil. I no like baseball though.