If you ate psychedelics in the last twenty minutes, skip the video.

Jason sent that video with no information attached other than that “they don’t make them like they used to.”
Of course there I was as usual, whiling away the afternoon with a head full of liquid acid, an assortment of watermelon flavored candies, and a dozen chattering teeth.
Ready for a bunch of rubbery USO dames I was not.
I hope that you all had a forgiving couple of days away from the proverbial salt mines.
As you might well imagine I spent a better part of the weekend nursing my little pal back to health, and picking the pieces of my jaw up off the floor after I was presented with the bill for his care;
You know, through this, I have realized that I’m not so much a cat person, or a dog person as I am an animal person. I would assume that I perhaps missed my calling as a veterinarian, if I didn’t become so absolutely shattered any time I saw a fuzzy buddy in distress.
“Where’s Dr. Kinevil?” the techs would say.. “Ohhh.. He’s in his office crying about the gerbil he had to put down this morning..”
I’m all hairy and pissed on the outside, but in my chest beats the heart of a sissy.
One of these days soon however, that sissy heart will once again be pumping an excess of blood to all parts of my body as I reenlist in the forces of people who ride bikes outside.
The day is coming.
I can feel it… Until then however, I remain toiling away in my garage. Every bike has new cables and housing, cassettes have been cleaned with care in the bathroom sink, derailleurs have been adjusted, and dried dirt clumps chipped away from clipless pedals.
Truth be told, I don’t think my bikes have ever received such attention. Once I turned the final set screw and greased the last thread, as I mentioned before, I got cracking teaching myself the finer points of faking my way through Photoshop. I wouldn’t exactly call it a New Year’s resolution simply because I’ve been promising myself that this is something I would do for some time.
Taking care of the pile of t-shirts that’s threatening to come crashing down and suffocate me in my sleep is next on the to-do list, but like with most things in my life, there is always tomorrow.
As far as today goes, I am proud to now throw up a collection displaying the fruits of my labor;
This here photo is a shot of HOSS. He is a photographer who has a web log called ‘Hoss Drinks Beer In The Woods With His Friends’ on account of because he does;
Actually not all of my time is spent mucking around on the computer. Some of it is spent documenting the effects of nature. For example, on January 7th, at some time or another in the morning, we here in the Republic of Northern California experienced a 4. something magnitude earthquake, (the exact details of which I can’t recall, because I was busy maintaining my quaff). I did however retain the presence of mind to snap a shot of myself reeling in the after effects of said quake in hopes of having some legal recourse due to the fact that as a result, I stained my nicest casual wear;
Once I calmed my jangled nerves I went back to work on my masterpieces;
Like for example, this one of John maybe, possibly, feasibly, plausibly, practically, and Prolly Is Not Probably;
Wishing that I could go back and see what some of my friends were like in high school is occasionally an idea that crosses my mind.
“Would so-and-so and I have been friends, or would they have been the object of my torment?”
In my mind’s eye, Loudass probably would have been the latter.
I’ve like the idea of nicknames. When I was in the first grade I remember wanting people to call me Rocky.
Suffice it to say, ‘Rocky’ never stuck.
Through my life however, there have been a number of people whose nicknames have ranged from the creative to the staggeringly obvious. For examples, there is Michelle who is known as Miss Hell, and Big Dave who is known as.. well… Big Dave.
The folks in Minneapolis have always been good about conjuring up and then maintaining nicknames. There’s Tito, Kenny Bloggins, Hurl, Catboxxx, Zitox, The Buzzard, Chevil, and so on. In some cases folks that have spent a fair amount of time there don’t even need secondary monikers.
Take Wakeman for example. His name is so cool he didn’t even need a nickname.
Anyway, my point is that I have used individual’s nicknames for fodder in my new hobby as well. Case in point, Skinny Bee, who now will be known as gay-ripped-and-keeps-his-head-covered-in-the-tanning-booth-Bee;
Or as Danny B has affectionately dubbed him, Shiteye Bee;
For my part, my own sobriquet was hard won, as for some reason nicknames have never suited me. To the best of my knowledge, ‘Stevil Kinevil’ came about a decade ago in a drunken haze while playing with fire in a backyard somewhere, though of that I can’t even be certain.
To be safe however, because I’m so obviously capable of delivering the package, I have decided to simply change my name to ‘U.P.S’;
I’m sympathetic that so far in today’s post there might be a little bit too much dudeskin being thrown around for some people’s tastes. I can dig that. For those of you who might feel as such, I offer this total hack job of former professional mountain bike racer, primary recipient of scorn in the first 50 Yards of Hell, and current resident in my home town of Evergreen Colorado, Mr. Daryl Price;
I feel good about this one.
Or at least I will until Daryl and I cross paths again. And to that end, I understand his wife was none to pleased with my antics at the 1999 SSWC, so I’m sure that my treatment of her husband’s likeness will secure me in her heart just that much more.
Sunday saw the last of this area’s cross races for the season. My heart was heavy because this particular venue is one of my very favorites. Instead of going to the race I (shudder) went running and then made a vague attempt to spend the afternoon at the Death Star® to finally get the AHTBM store up and running.
Suffice it to say, it’s still in the works. Then again, you know what they say about rushing perfection.
As we transition to a close in today’s installment, I can’t neglect to include many thanks to Andrew for the use of this week’s header photo;
The title that he’s given this particular photo is “Everything That’s Right With Cycling”, and I can’t say that I disagree with him in the least.
Finally, Patrick from Red Kite Prayer contacted me and made mention of the 2010 Bloggie Awards. I am not entirely sure what this would mean for AHTBM to win such an honor, but if it allows me to be that much closer to buying a giant purple hat and a 1979 Trans Am, then it is on bended knee that I beg for you to take a minute out of you day to vote.
I suppose I would fall under the ‘Sports weblog’ category, though I’m not entirely certain if I maybe shouldn’t be included under either the ‘Canadian weblog’ or ‘Teen weblog’ categories due to the fact that I’ve A) been there, and B) was one once..
Secondly, if I win, I will do everything in my power to assure that the celebration party will have no fewer than fifteen margarita pissing statues, and a live performance by Shirley and Company.

However, you have to bring your own satin pantsuit and whimsically colored kerchief.
It’s Monday, so get cracking. Geebuz would want it that way.

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24 Responses to “If you ate psychedelics in the last twenty minutes, skip the video.”

  1. One Eyed z January 11, 2010 at 7:53 am #

    Wasn’t really sure what the issue with that first video was gonna be. Things were going nicely then the crazy bending started…. freaky.
    How bout we put you under “Best New Blog” for the Boggies?
    Ok good.

  2. Dav-o January 11, 2010 at 8:02 am #

    Actually, there is one more cross race in SCruz;
    The 2010 Santa Cruz County Cyclocross Championships are coming up on 1/24/10 at the Watsonville Fairgrounds.
    Here’s mud in your eye. Better than shit anyway.

  3. chad January 11, 2010 at 8:09 am #

    I had intended to start the day with litlle deviant thoughts in my noggin so I could get some shit done. Thanks for fuckin’ that up. The possibilities going through my head now are disturbing in all the right ways.

  4. Pinto January 11, 2010 at 8:10 am #

    While Chef Dogg busted his “Hanson Air,” did anyone else realize “Schreiner” & the Donut Queen stealing a kiss behind his front wheel? Classy.

  5. D.B. January 11, 2010 at 8:23 am #

    Dude, what the hell happened to the fuzzy buddy? Looks like a rough weekend.

  6. Stevil January 11, 2010 at 8:49 am #

    Dave- Thanks for the correction. It’s a wonder I can find my ass with both hands.

  7. Jim January 11, 2010 at 9:51 am #

    Them photoshops look very authentic. You are quite skilledfull.
    Of course when the Vicodin the doc gave me for my messed up back runs out I sespect I might feel different about it. So if you’re planning on making a living on your photoshop skills you might want to give prospective clients a hand full of Vike before you show them your protfolio.

  8. ben January 11, 2010 at 10:33 am #

    I believe that’d be Hurl, or as I recently found out, Mr Hugapotato, back there with the Donut Queen. I remember the shirt. Just a short time after that shot, when it was dark, and we were drunk, Hoss nearly dubbed himself “He who falls in the fire”.

  9. Sean Hurl January 11, 2010 at 11:44 am #

    I seem to remember a gentleman who went by the name SWEET STEVE. I never knew why my friends called him that. I just assumed it was because he was so damn nice. I always thought FORESKIN STEVE would be a better fit. Every time we got drunk out came the skin watch. Even better would be DON’T BRING HOME TO DAD STEVE. The reasons are obvious.
    Yours truly,

  10. Robot January 11, 2010 at 1:56 pm #

    “I’m all hairy and pissed on the outside, but in my chest beats the heart of a sissy.”
    Best line you’ve written in 2010.

  11. N@ January 11, 2010 at 4:02 pm #

    Is that the feline version of the Mullet?

  12. El Sporty Pirate Grande January 11, 2010 at 4:29 pm #

    Parts: $1.56
    Labor: $2980.58

  13. PENTABIKE January 11, 2010 at 5:28 pm #


  14. megan January 11, 2010 at 7:49 pm #


  15. brujo January 11, 2010 at 7:52 pm #

    Solid Potatoe? What’s Solid Potatoes, precious!!! If I remove a few ribs, I might be able to pull off that backward apple grab some day…you gotta have goals.

  16. Gypsy thePunk January 11, 2010 at 8:32 pm #

    Mmmmmmmm… Think I can talk Mrs. thePunk into a menage a pretzel with the one on the right?

  17. reed January 12, 2010 at 3:40 am #

    pardon my blooper, but shouldn’t it be “if you have eaten…”? oh well, past tense, pissed tense. tomato tomahto.

  18. Mark January 12, 2010 at 2:14 pm #

    that video made my day…along with everyone at BikeSource #3

  19. flynn January 12, 2010 at 3:04 pm #

    wooow, i hope that shiteye photo is another example of your photoshop talent

  20. Capt. Fantastic January 12, 2010 at 7:50 pm #

    I am laughin loudly @ bad grammer sean!!! skin watch, thats the funniest thing i heard all day. Now my nose is burning and running cuz beer came out of it reading this days comments. We used to call the ‘skin watch’…..’gum on the barber shop floor’

  21. chip January 13, 2010 at 6:09 pm #

    “I’m all hairy and pissed on the outside, but in my chest beats the heart of a sissy.”
    *golf clap*
    I’ve thought the same thing about being a Vet… I’d love to help patch up all the animals but I’d lose my shit if I had to put one down.

  22. Bluenoser January 13, 2010 at 7:22 pm #

    I forgot all my PhotoShop skills I learned back in 97 and I’m to cheap to go out and buy it now to re-learn.
    If you win the best Canadian Web Log thing it would have to then be an Honour… seeing we spell stuff funny up here.

  23. shades January 15, 2010 at 11:25 pm #

    I’m bummed about Buddy. but he looks so good with his new haircut.

  24. Daryl Price January 17, 2010 at 9:16 am #

    My wife loves the bikini clad DP. Doesn’t remember hating on you in 99 (or was that 98)?
    See you soon, tallboy’s on me.