I refuse to be in this hell alone.

Illustration courtesy of Rob Dobi.

I’ve done my best to push the following video down as many throats as it would fit via other media channels, but I realize the best thing for me to do is to post it here, where a far broader spectrum of people can enjoy it.
You see, when Danny B. originally turned me on to this clip, I was cringing, and attempting to wriggle away like a child avoiding a plate full of steamed vegetables. However Danny encouraged me to sit through it, and I’m glad I did, because after suffering though the nonsense that Attack!Attack delivers by the shovel full, something magical and hilarious happens, and no, you shouldn’t just fast forward, because you’ll miss out on the impact that this video has to offer.
As I’ve said a few times last week, it’s like receiving two minutes and forty seven seconds of stomach punches, only to be followed up by a rainbow enema.
Sit back and drink it in;

I have to be honest with you though.. The synchronized guitar flip, and “WOOOO!” at one minute in is pretty sweet.
After the aggravation of the music has long faded however, what sticks most deeply in my craw is their hair;
You see, for my entire life, I’ve been cursed with a head of unmanageable, curly hair. In the 70s when all I wanted was to be able to feather it? Nope. Assfro. In the early 80s when all I wanted was a spikey punk cut? Nope. Assfro. In the mid 80s, when all I wanted fins, liberty spikes, or at the very least a pirate cut? Nope. Assfro. Eventually I just gave up and grew it long, but still never felt satisfied. I mean, look at the guy on the left in the above picture? Do you think anybody takes him seriously?
Of course they don’t.
Did anyone ever really embrace Googy as The Misfit’s drummer?
I realize he doesn’t have curly hair, but you get my point. While he may not have had an afro on the outside, he certainly had one internally.
As far as I’m concerned, the few non-metal bands who have done the mop headed among us any justice these last two decades are R.E.M., At The Drive In, and Questlove from The Roots;
Curiously the key to documenting such a phenomenon is to apparently do so in black and white.
You know who knows what I’m talking about? J.P.H.N.H. knows what I’m talking about;
Now that I’ve gotten all of that off of my chest, I will dive head long into an array of notifications. The first being a product review for a little number that was made for me by my friend Randi Jo. I emailed her and asked for a run down of who she is and what she does, and this is what she responded with;
“A bio of sorts-
It all started with a cross-country trip in 2004 and a need for knickers and caps that looked great on and off the bike. Those first articles of clothing lead to more caps and somehow a bike shop, Rainy Peak Cyclery. The sewing continued as the bike shop grew, but in February of 2010, we sold our bike shop of four years to focus entirely on Randi Jo Fabrications and the production of fine cycling soft goods. I hand sew each and every apron, cap, jersey, saddle cover and M.U.T. myself. I’ve been operating a sewing machine since I was nine, after all. I’ve made custom cycling soft goods for shops, teams and scrupulous individuals from Portland to Japan.
All about our lovable M.U.T. (Multi-Use Tote)
Cordura covers the outside of this tote and nylon lines the inside for easy ins and outs. A thin layer of foam insulates and protects your load too. It boasts an outer pocket that fits just so over the bottle cage lip and a roll top to customize the fit according to your load. Two extra loops in the back give you more options for mounting as an under-seat bag, frame bag or in a non-standard bottle cage.”

So now that you’ve read what she’s got to say, I will lay out a few photos from my most recent product test;
I stashed the man can within the safe confines of my M.U.T and traveled over hill and dale, doing my best to pay no mind to the carbonated goodness that was contained inside. At no point did it shake loose, puncture, or look ugly. Finally after arriving at my destination, I pulled the can from its swaddling to find that it was indeed still chilled. I slowly opened it to avoid any unnecessary waste, and rewarded myself for a job well done.
Unfortunately, I got curious and turned my M.U.T. inside out just to see what made it tick. In doing this, I screwed up the liner and now am unable to fully utilize the insulative properties;
If I were to have turned the camera around, you would have seen me making a sad face.
As I stated yesterday while reflecting on what had gone wrong, “I was fussing with it, and like anything new and cool, my curiosity ended up fucking it up.
Remote controls.

Fortunately, Randi Jo has taken pity on me and said that she would take it back to fix that which I have undone. Should you desire to procure one of these for yourself, learn from my mistake. While it may seem tempting to put your hand into it, it’s just best to steer clear.
This lesson is applicable for all aspects of life.
Not only was I on the hill for some sunshine and lung dust, but it was my mission to fix up some of what I fixed up trail-wise, last winter. As it turned out, a majority of the log work I laid down across a swampy stretch of trail didn’t form the foundation that I had hoped, and ultimately has since scattered all over the place;
Because ultimately I was the one responsible for the debris, I took it upon myself to clear the trail and return it to its natural state, stacking all of the logs aside to hopefully be used again next winter;
No good deed goes unpunished. Or something.
If you don’t want to dirty your hands and keeping your karmic slate clean is what you are aiming for however, then does Marko from esteemed advertisers Planet Bike have a deal for you;
“Stevil san,
So aparently Pepsi has some sort of thing going on where they give over a million dollars away each month to “fund great ideas”. Well, Ripon College in my neck of the woods is currently in the running to get funded for 25K to build a rad mtb trail system. Ripon has a full-on mtb collegiate team and they also give a mountain bike to any incoming student that pledges to leave their car at home. Anyways, what I’m getting at is that they’re currently around 25th and need to be top ten to get the funding. It would be very gentlemanly of you to post this link to drum up some more votes for them.
Refresh Everything.
P.S. Ripon is also home to rippin good cookies. Genius name.

As I started reading the email I began getting itchy palms thinking that Marko was indicating that I should apply for the grant, but seeing as the last good idea I had was my first day of kindergarten when I asked my mom when I could drop out, I probably am not in the running.
So get on there and cast your vote. It only takes a second and it gives THE MAN the chance to throw some cash in our general direction.
As long as we are discussing the fine state of Wisconsin, I should include this link that was sent to me from Jim at Vecchio’s Cyclery in Boulder where they take cyclocross seriously, concerning teachers struggling for their right to boners;
Teachers union fights for Viagra drug coverage over hiring more teachers. I knew funky shit went on in those teachers lounges!!!”
Finally, and to conclude the topic of penis related humor, I would like to include the best headline of the week;
Ball could hold link to Armstrong probe.
Now, while I may never have the kind of hair that is necessary for a style popular with sixteen year old boys, I can run circles around them when it comes to finding humor in an article title having nothing to do with testicle(s).

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13 Responses to “I refuse to be in this hell alone.”

  1. Benitosbro August 9, 2010 at 5:14 pm #

    I believe it’s Questlove that bears the hella Afro above. Better than mediocrity, but not good enough to lay down your keyboard for good- so keep at it. You’ll either ascend to the top or descend to the bottom soon enough.

  2. Jim August 9, 2010 at 5:52 pm #

    Stevil, that video is like Andrew W.K. and Insane Clown Posse did a collabo tribute Best of NKOTB album. I was waiting for the rainbow enema but the only thing I got was a big nausea shiver.

  3. Dave Lee August 9, 2010 at 8:35 pm #

    Support your local independent Black Flag.

  4. bubbasaurus jr. August 10, 2010 at 2:24 am #

    you forgot King Buzzo. Had a whiteboy fro for years…

  5. Colin M August 10, 2010 at 6:31 am #

    Here I thought that screamo moved on. It just got sprinkled with some auto-tune. Flush it away, it stinks in here.

  6. Stevil August 10, 2010 at 6:38 am #

    True, but I said “the few non-metal bands”… Of course King Buzzo would be included if he were not the king of all that is metal now and forever.

  7. MIkeD August 10, 2010 at 10:05 am #

    I think second to the guitar flip at 1 minute is the chubby kid/running man w/ auto tune in the background at 1:40. This makes me want to give up on today’s youth. Just lame. All hail king Buzzo.

  8. curtis August 10, 2010 at 1:40 pm #

    that image of attack attack makes me want to slap the kid on the right so hard that the follow-through knocks down the kid on the left.
    i can’t read the captcha, does that mean i’m a robot?

  9. Newtron August 10, 2010 at 2:32 pm #

    first off…. where in the hell do i get a pair of budweiser socks..
    The synchronized guitar chops and MC Hammer running man moves made me smile for the single fact that…. in a couple years these young prostitutes will bow there heads in shame for ever listening to their Shitty A&R Dudes and Turd Polishing Producers advice as in to what is rad and not-rad
    thank you for starting another Monday off correctly, with coffee shooting out of my nose

  10. Paul Cambridge August 10, 2010 at 8:49 pm #

    so…is a rainbow enima spos’d to be really bad, or really good? ’cause after that video I feel like Cybil holding her icewater.

  11. mattya14 August 10, 2010 at 9:04 pm #

    I teach high school. The kids I teach listen to this shit so it hould be an easy jump to see the need for my crappy insurance coverage to include viagra.

  12. JP August 12, 2010 at 3:32 pm #

    Is that a Jackalope in J.P.H.N.H.’s hands? Why does Joe have a Jackalope?

  13. chad August 15, 2010 at 6:40 pm #

    I thought that was a jackalope or some bunny related thingy.
    …and what did happen to Lance’s other nut? did he keep it?