Vacation motivation.

As it turns out, ‘vacation motivation’ leaves a lot to be desired. Try as I might, over the course of the last few days I can’t seem to get the proverbial engine turned over .

It might be due to an abundance of food and/or booze, or it might be because I sense everyone else around me is got a wicked case of the lazies, or it could be a combination of all three, but whatever the case, I have had no luck motivating to get the words that come out of my index fingers back up to their usual trickle.
One thing that I certainly can blame my lethargy on is a revolving door of distractions, the most recent of which was a surprise visit by two of my Midwest brethren, The Donut Queen and Hurl, pictured here in their Sunday’s best;
Due to the fact that the weather report nearly guaranteed nothing but a solid deluge of rain during their entire visit, they left their bikes and bike related accessories back in their snowy homeland. Luckily for all of us, I haven’t yet sold off my entire stable, and was able to set them up with everything they would be needing for an outdoor adventure of a two wheeled sort. A smattering of other friends arrived at my door and we all bailed out with haste to points more elbow roomy;
Our companions eventually broke off so as to avoid the long uphill grind in mud that for all intent and purposes could easily be mistaken for a combination of peanut butter and infant feces, and for that I can’t say I blame them. After some sunny spot lounging, we made our way to the conclusion of our journey, but not before getting rad on some secret sauce;
I would also like to note that with the exception of the divot that I took out of the hillside when I fell-the-hell-down on some slippery as snot trail, not an inch of singletrack was damaged during our excursion.
As long as the Hurl is on the tip of my brain, I may as well take the opportunity to mention that the very new EVIL Cycling/Cars-R-Coffins/All Hail The Black Market/OneOnOne Bicycle Studio Collaborative jersey is available for pre-order like, right now.
Captain Dave elaborates;
“The clouds have blackened and amassed themselves. The weapons have been sharpened and the battle is nigh. Now we stare into the fire and wait for the raven….the mighty shitbird. Announcing the first ever Evil jersey as part of the coalescing Evil Racing Syndicate. Chapters are taking form in all reaches of the planet, soon to ruin your local races with all due haste and expediency. Along with presenting sponsors All Hail The Black Market and Cars-R-Coffins, as well as a service course via One on One Bicycle Studio, Evil Cycling is poised to go even further down the tubes, with your help.
So here’s the meat and potatoes of it: we have jerseys. Short sleeve, full zip only, race cut only.
We have Mens size S-XL and womens size S-L. They cost $66.06. You can buy them ONLY via the online store at which you can get to by clicking this link. Payment is through Paypal.
EVIL 2011 Jersey Revision 3111.jpg
EVIL 2011 Jersey Revision 3222.jpg
Jerseys available by PRE-ORDER ONLY. Monies and orders must be in by Jan 15th! After that, we put the order in and expect an 8 week turnaround, so we’ll be shipping by middle of March, in plenty of time for the 2011 racing season.
Evil Chapters will be recognized and listed at, with photos, race reports, and gratuitous nudity. Start something.”

If you want to offend everyone around you on your next church club ride, might I recommend you get on board?
Speaking of ruining things, Angel from Florida (remember- Angel is a huge hairy dude, not the petite Latina vision of beauty I had initially hoped) sent me the following transmission;
“Other ways of how one might go about ruining the race for everybody, is something you may be asking yourself everyday…well here is one way.


Every day we learn a new way to ruin a race here on All Hail The Black Market, the next of which comes from America’s heart land, and an individual named Elizabeth;
First off, heard many a good thing about you from local hero CVO, and I’m glad to have the chance to send you some cyclocross goodies from Nebraska.
Our local Grandma ‘Cross made ABC News today, and in the b-roll to build the story, you will be graced, at :23 seconds in, with an AHTBM kit running up Hooligan Hill;
Then, if that’s not enough, let’s share the love with Malcolm, showing you Rapha is not just for dapper gents;”

So there you go. Today we’ve learned that you can either ruin a race by plowing through anything set before you, being a grandma with a heart condition and beating people, or by simply being Malcolm.
In the time that I have been sitting on my hands, and staring at the computer with the hope that it would start doing the work for me, Martin sent me an email, which I think might kick off today’s selection of mail baggins;
“So on my ride into work last Wednesday I stopped to sweep up broken glass from the bike path with my glove. Not only did I get honked at by passersby and harassed by the Sausalito PD, but I lost my AHTBM cap from my back pocket while I was cleaning up said glass that was clearly smashed into the bike lane in a deliberate attempt to make me have helmet hair all day. Not that the hat made much of a difference.”
I don’t really have anything to say about that, but it just occurred to me that Martin looks like a really tore back Justin Bieber.
An email I have been sitting on for a while comes from the one called Gypsy the Punk, and while most of the country is under some kind of weather emergency or another, he’s off in exotic lands taking photos of his Black Market cüzie next to things;
As the self-appointed, under-achieving, completely unqualified and justifiably unpaid AHTBM travel reporter, it is with the heaviest of hearts that I must report that I have failed in my mission to conquer La Vuelta De Guatemala in the name of the Black Market. Instead of taking pictures of the race with strategically placed pieces of AHTBM gear in them…
…I went to a bar.
(picture 1) Two hours and seven micheladas later I ended up being four hours late to the race… You do the math. I was however able to organize a full on, bar top, scream at the top of your lungs chorus line to everybody’s favorite Juanes song;
As an act of attrition, I humbly submit two other pictures that I think perfectly capture the Guatemalan spirit. The first is my son’s baby bottle in an AHTBM cüzie next to a carnivorous plant. Please apply whatever metaphor fits your own personal geo-political views. (picture 2);
The second is the same AHTBM cüzie held aloft at the Day of the Dead celebration in Chi Chi, Guatemala. Those shiny guys in the background were doing some kind of groovy-ass dance that involved about fifteen or so eight foot long snakes. If you look closely, you can see my testicles shriveling up in fear. (picture 3);
Punk rock is as punk rock does,
Gypsy the Punk”

I would like to be the one flouncing around in balmy locations, ruining photos by holding my cüzie in front of the camera, but until my sugar mama starts coming through with the bread, we have to rely on The Punk to take care of that sort of thing for us.
Finally from Sean, I have a heads up on an item I have previously given a heads up to before, but is worth as many heads up as it can possibly get;
“Hey Stevil,
Long time reader of your blog, first time emailer. Crandall asked me to help spread the word that this movie is now available to watch online. I hope you’ve had a chance to check it out and if you could help me spread the word by posting it on your blog, well we sure would appreciate it.

If you’ve ever thrown your leg over a bike, been to a punk show, pushed a skateboard, or made something yourself you will love this movie, I promise. It’s available streaming online now, for free, for-ever. Sit down this week and watch this movie in its entirety, it’s one of the most entertaining documentaries I’ve ever seen.
Sean McCormick”

It’s like a bike derelict’s ‘Smokey And The Bandit’, which as we all know was the white trash ‘Star Wars’..
As I said the other day, “if you see two movies this year, make sure that one of them has nudity and the other one is this.”
Just like Sisyphus and his giant boulder, I too have pushed today’s post to the top of the hill just in time for it to roll all the way back down to the bottom.
The year’s end is upon us, and I might have the wits to knock out one last post before 2010 is a distant memory. On the chance that this doesn’t occur, I will see you back here in 2011.
Assuming NYE doesn’t kill me, my fingers will most assuredly be trickling.

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Leave a Reply

9 Responses to “Vacation motivation.”

  1. Gypsy December 29, 2010 at 9:40 am #

    Please note the pacifier on the table next to the beer… Bars in Central America are a little different than they are here. There is a whole lot less oblivion-chasing-self-hatred going on, and a whole lot more laughter. My son was one of a dozen or more munchkins running around the place while the grown-ups took turns trying to out sing each other on the bar top… I propose that the Black Market legions move down to good ol’ Guatemala and set up a commune of sorts. Stevil can be the mayor, and I’ll be the cult leader. You’ll only have to have sex with me the one time. Honest.

  2. Morgan December 29, 2010 at 11:01 am #

    That FBM video was excellent. I watched the whole thing. I think I’m gonna buy something they make.

  3. Sean FBM December 29, 2010 at 2:58 pm #

    thanks for posting the FBM movie again Stevil! really appreciate it. Been a fan of your blog for since waaay back in your Swobo days (at least a year or two that is). I’ve been really lucky to get my foot in the door working with FBM trying to sell some track bikes for them. Even though I have no idea what Im doing, don’t tell the boss.

  4. Latarian December 29, 2010 at 9:49 pm #

    I always wrote BMXers off as troglodyte kooks but fuck, I was wrong. FBM rules. FBM also perfectly illustrates why it’s fun to do bad things.

  5. bRado December 30, 2010 at 8:13 am #

    Excellent video on FBM, thanks for sharin’ that!

  6. Stephen December 30, 2010 at 12:25 pm #

    The FBM video made my day. Such a cool way to avoid the normal morning paperwork shuffle! FBM, keep up the good work. You too Stevil.

  7. vaeringjar December 30, 2010 at 3:56 pm #

    The child on the marble floor captures how I’ve felt my whole life!

  8. chris December 31, 2010 at 3:59 pm #

    I was a pretty cute kid but I couldn’t hold a candle to that kid. I think anybody who sees that picture has something in their eye.

  9. JP January 1, 2011 at 8:39 pm #

    Baby New Year is already beat-down…….