I live in the future.

The cat was finally let out of the bag on Monday when I posted photos that I actually took a year from now;

Being that I live in the future, you might take some comfort knowing that, at least for the next twelve months anyway, Jesus never comes back in his spaceship to take the true believers away, leaving all of the rest of us here on earth to wallow in a world without individuals who believe that killing people in the name of God, America, and apple pie is ok, (as long as they’re brown), but killing an unborn child who was conceived from rape is not.
But I don’t always exist in the there and then. A good portion of the time I am in the here and now, which is a good thing on the chance that Loudass should send me a gem such as this;
“Orbea with Tweeker Roll. Break out the chocolate milk and black licorice.”
Though the bar and saddle position is almost a dead giveaway that this bike is stolen, the fact that the clipless pedals haven’t been removed with a pair of channel locks, only to be replaced with some platform pedals (cross threaded, natch), leaves me feeling a bit curious about this bike’s present existence.
I suppose the only way to tell for sure would be to inspect the top tube for the tell-tale corrosion caused by drips of meth sweat, but after years of working in a bike shop, if I never have to contend with that particular biohazard again, it will be too soon.
While we’re skimming the creamy weirdness off the top of the mail bag, I will include this clip sent to me by Brent;
“Here’s a little nugget of confusion. Evidence that America is fucking the rest of the world by the skull…or maybe just some Russian kids smoking plastic….wait, did he just shoot that zima straight up…

Russian kids acting like latino gangstas…or grungecore fags…I’m cornfused.”

I don’t know what a ‘grungecore fag’ is exactly, but there really is no doubt that these kids were carrying several jugs of random Western influences when they fell down the stairs and came up with the concoction that they have here.
Moving on.. Randy came through with a site that I’ve seen a little bit of during my travels through the interwebs, but is certainly worth a go around here;
“Not sure if you’ve seen this but Oh-Em-Eff-Gee. Like, totally.”
I’m a big fan of the sort of visual stimulation that reminds me just how far down the ladder I am in terms of my own skill.
The Pale Horse is no joke.
What actually might be a joke is the subject of the following email that was sent to me by J-dub;
While perusing obscure links on that one bike site I saw this gem;
© International Tour of Hellas
Which lead me to this.
Maybe the best kit/name combo ever. They could have chosen something other than baby-dump green for their kits.

Baby Dump.. That’s what happens when the team director asks their four year old to name the team, though I suppose that was better than the alternate, ‘Team Poopie Head’.
In other news, a matter that has been on my plate since December and has finally come to a head, is a subject that you very well might have heard murmurings about in other corners of the internet. It seems as though Levi’s has undertaken a project in which they are launching a line of bike specific denim jackets and pantaloons.
Upon first learning of this, I was skeptical but as I conversed with Rob from Echos Comm during the concept’s inception, I became intrigued. At the risk of Levi’s snipers taking me out, I’ll simply include a specific bullet point from our discussions for your consideration here;
“The Commuter Collection has elevated the brand once again as an industry leader by continuing its legacy of product innovation. Levis is the first company ever to integrate Nanosphere technology into the denim fabrication, which is groundbreaking for the entire denim industry. This performance innovation integrates Nanosphere, a naturally self-cleaning fabric with a reliable protection. Properties of this technology are breathability, water and dirt repellency, as well as an anti-microbial feature that will reduce the bacteria odors while providing a stretchable, yet traditional denim look.”
On Wednesday I met up at the not-so-secret downtown San Francisco hideout, which looks like this;
that I arrived to on my bicycle, which looked like this;
for a meeting in the tailor shop that looks like this;
with Je Won Yu the designer, Jared Everett the tailor, and Rob Reedy the liaison/marketing figure where I was treated to a first hand look at the garments in question;
The jackets come loaded with features, from venting, and tons of pockets to tailoring specific to one’s varying positions while engaged in the activity of bicycle machine riding;
The masterminds behind the water resistant properties possessed by this line is a Swiss company called Schoeller, and because I don’t trust the Swiss further than I can throw them, I decided to take matters into my own hands when I defiantly emptied the remainder of my morning jigger of vodka across the jacket to see for myself;
As I poured myself a new shot, I was heard murmuring something about “.. like a duck’s back.”
Next as we rolled out the ‘draws, I was treated to a whole new array of cool features;
(It should be noted that though Levi’s has never won a UCI World Cup event, they have still opted to use the colors. This may or may not anger purists.)
It’s all pretty badass stuff, and what I was most taken with was how soft it was, but then again, I’m a slave to comfy clothing. Finally, the estimated retail for these items is not as prohibitively expensive as I would have assumed. At an estimated $78.00 dollars for the jeans and $128.00 for the jacket, It’s steep, but for all that you get, from my perspective, it’s worth the price.
That is if I ever had more than $30.00 to spend on a pair of pants that I wear until they disintegrate.
Clearly I’m an unqualified gauge for this conversation.
Anyway, This entire project was initially introduced to me by Billy Sinkford (who’s towing a whole different set of lines in it) and Rob, who have thoughtfully included All Hail The Black Market in a small and select group of self important nobodies to help promote the line with a limited run of custom branded jackets, of which mine will look something like this;
(Super secret spy photo)
It certainly is an exciting development for All Hail The Black Market, and I can’t thank Rob and Billy enough for my inclusion. There will be several parties held around the country at which this line will debut, and when a schedule becomes available, I will certainly keep you informed here. As water repellent as these items are, there was no word on beer and cocktail repellency, though I suspect that will be thoroughly tested come the time of those events.
As I stand before you in the here and now, I vow to only sell out in small steps and never leaps and bounds.
At least that’s the way things look through twelve months into the future.

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21 Responses to “I live in the future.”

  1. Ryan April 22, 2011 at 6:40 am #

    Awesome, I can’t wait to ride around in a stretchy vodka-proof Canadian tuxedo!

  2. jomama April 22, 2011 at 7:17 am #

    hey, there is no rockshox post on that bici

  3. Jon April 22, 2011 at 7:24 am #

    awesome man!

  4. sinnfein April 22, 2011 at 8:01 am #

    Wait, I thought you were collaborating with the Gap..

  5. Troy B. April 22, 2011 at 8:25 am #

    I love it! Another fine example of homegrown innovation and local folks rolling their own gig. I’m inspired and now would like a Canadian Cycling Tux as well.

  6. irishpunk59 April 22, 2011 at 8:33 am #

    Schoeller is actually the shit, I know this because we, being a rather well known outdoor/sportwear clothier used to use it but oddly no more and shouldn’t sportwear be stuff you wear for you know sporting endeavors and oh yeah the Christo Mysterio stuff is ferkin awesome

  7. andy April 22, 2011 at 8:45 am #

    The fart zipper is a nice touch.

  8. km April 22, 2011 at 9:16 am #

    Whily the denim ETOH proof outwear is undeniably impressive. I’m more concerned if you correctly spelled. Is it “Poopie” or “Poopy?”

  9. Brent April 22, 2011 at 10:04 am #

    You are taking Den-Tex to a whole new level my Friend….

  10. bRado April 22, 2011 at 10:59 am #

    Fuck Yeah!, Denim is the new lycra
    Can’t wait, do plus sizes (big gurlz need lovin’ too)

  11. blacksocks April 22, 2011 at 11:24 am #

    if the pockets fit a flask nicely, can we call the pantaloons “pantsaloons”, thereby combing two of my favorite things into one?

  12. boulderight April 22, 2011 at 12:14 pm #

    Now if only they’d bring back the Team Carrera jorts in acid wash…

  13. curtis April 22, 2011 at 12:26 pm #

    you should get half of the jackets printed with the word “hipsters” across the back and the rest with “rednecks” and then make a rule where when you see someone in the other gang you have to knife fight with them.

  14. rocky April 22, 2011 at 12:32 pm #

    i’m a fan of levis, but i don’t think i could buy these things. i love the lock loop and the reflective strip inside the cuff, but see if you can get them to drop the back zippered pocket (or at least hide it in a seam) and the gusseted crotch — all those things do is make it look like i took a dump in my pants. and i don’t need levi’s help for that.

  15. cyclotour guy April 22, 2011 at 2:08 pm #

    Levi’s really bummed me out when they moved production off-shore. Same thing w/ the Van Doren Rubber Co. I still wear both as I’ve been conditioned to since 3rd grade, but it sucks.

  16. Jon April 22, 2011 at 8:29 pm #

    Speaking of Russian hardcore, this is probably worse

  17. Duncan April 23, 2011 at 12:06 pm #

    Hmmm…”Nanosphere technology,” eh? I can’t wait till I see the AHTBM Levi’s riding gear at Ross…I’m going to snatch that shit up. I also can’t wait until I see 18 year old Marin kids wearing it, so I can ask them what it’s about and they can say, “I got it at the Levi’s store. I think it’s some kind of metal band.” Congrats, though…you will now be able to post comfortably from an undisclosed, rum-soaked location in the Bahamas.

  18. Vaeringjar April 24, 2011 at 1:57 pm #

    Is the line going to be available at Walmart?

  19. tony April 24, 2011 at 9:37 pm #

    Hey Stevil,
    are those regular brake levers that you’re using with cantis on your Handsome? Does it work ok?
    How about STI levers with a BB7. Any experience?

  20. Stevil April 24, 2011 at 11:48 pm #

    They are, and they work fine. No v-brake modulator deal going on there.. Just straight pull. As far as the mechanical disk brakes, I’ve never been crazy about them, but I’ve heard they can be set up to work brilliantly… I’ve just never seen it.

  21. Josh April 26, 2011 at 10:46 am #

    Start bringing in team Baby Dump kits! I think there would be a market for those.