Another day in the salt mines.

Welcome back to my friends, and enemies, and frienemies alike. I hope that the weekend treated you fabulously with lots of burgundy vested waiters bringing you and yours refreshments of every sort.

Now let’s get down to business.

Minneapolis West has recently suffered several blows with major injuries to at least three of All Hail The Black Market’s friends, which sucks for a whole lot of reasons. Mainly because with them on the injured reserved list, I only have Cheever tuning in here, and he doesn’t even know how to read.

Anyway, the first notification comes from Captain Dave regarding friend of Ironclad Cycling’s Bernard Sanders. According to the Captain, Bernard had a low speed and totally innocent spill while riding his mountain bike recently in Bend, Oregon which resulted in a catastrophic set of injuries including some to his neck and spinal cord;

If you might want to read up on his road to recovery, and send him as many good vibes as you can spare, (but knowing the AHTBM audience as I think I do, most of our vibes, although good, tend to be a bit inebriated as well), you can do so here.

Then on Thursday I got word that fellow derelict and all around solid cat Mat Barton got a full blown bummer dealt to him at Minneapolis East’s weekly short track series just last Monday;

Last week JVA’s good friend, Mat Barton, crashed during a short-track mountain bike race here in Portland and broke his spine. He underwent several hours of surgery to fuse shattered vertebrae, but remains paralyzed from the chest down.

We are absolutely devastated. Mat is one of the nicest, most humble gentlemen you could ever hope to meet. Despite having health insurance (he works with Cheever at BTD), he is facing a long and expensive road to recovery. His friends and family have started a fund to help defray the costs of his treatment and therapy. If you could please do us a solid and put the word out we would truly appreciate it.
Thank you, sir.

Peace to your middle crease,

Admiral Longpour

Around the same time I heard about Mat’s plight, I got word that my dear friend, and recent Brooklyn (re)transplant Aden Shades got doored in the worst possible of ways, and besides damaging her trachea while impacting the corner of the car door with her throat, she nicked her carotid artery, which had it not been for a trauma nurse who happened to witness the accident and rushed to Aden’s aid, would have meant almost certain death.

Luckily for her, she was treated immediately and rushed to a local hospital where she will be in the ICU for 10 days;

(I would like to note that Aden is not in fact drinking a beer, as she is currently on a feeding tube, but rather holding it for Captain Dave while he lives out his E.T. styled fantasies.)

Please excuse my French, but holy shit. Our friends in Minneapolis West have certainly been dealt a series of devastating blows these last few weeks and I for one am wishing them all full, and speedy recoveries. I am looking quite forward to a time when all of these incidences are just ugly memories in our proverbial rear view mirrors and we can all high five each other in good health.

It hasn’t been all bad in the City of Roses recently however, as I got tipped off that Ironclad Cycling’s own Brianna Walle has left no stone unturned in her quest for world domination;

It was just two weeks ago when I had a gaggle of Ironclad’s ladies darken my door after their domination at the San Jose Omnium and Nature Valley Pro chase qualifier.

My house has most never definitely been faster than it was that night.

As heavy as my heart is for the first three sagas I’ve poured out today, it is simultaneously bursting with pride at the accomplishments of both Brianna and her teammate Anna Grace Christiansen. As the bads happen in threes, let’s just hope the goods have one more trick up their sleeve.

In news of Black Market related business, I have recently taken delivery of three new decals which one would most certainly want for no reason whatsoever;

Ordinarily I’ve been quite adept at coming up with all of my own irreverent slogans, but I have to offer credit where credit is due, and the source for the second two is none other than California DeStrephano. He is indeed a silver tongued devil and I am an opportunist of the worst sort. Rest assured however, when I sell my millionth sticker, I am going to take him out for a really nice dinner.

If you might find that you have a need for such things, they can be found over in the store, here, here, and here.

Show the world what you think of stuff, and help me chip away at being able to afford my ruby lined swimming pool.

In other news of things that are impossible to ignore, it’s widely known that this coming Saturday will see the second annual Wizard Staffs Around The Universe celebration (I changed it from ‘Wizard Staffs Across The World’, because I didn’t want to exclude anyone);

As I’ve said a number of times already, this is simply an event which will insure that while we might be separated by distances, our swollen hearts will be beating as one as we all consume to a probably irresponsible amount.

Though all participants may be scattered across the galaxy, we will be drunk together, and if that’s not a unifying force for good, I don’t know what is.

Even better if each individual unit of the staffs is served to us pool side. The burgundy vest however, is totally optional.

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Leave a Reply

13 Responses to “Another day in the salt mines.”

  1. Harold Holdren June 18, 2012 at 5:32 am #

    Speedy recoveries to all!

  2. Crank June 18, 2012 at 5:42 am #

    As the mandatory helmet law gains momentum, we should pork barrel that to a nerf driver side car door. Painfree to thee and may your insurance cover all.

  3. Ben June 18, 2012 at 6:22 am #

    Got your Easts and Wests mixed up a bit this morning? It’s ok buddy, I still know what you’re talking about.

    • Stevil June 18, 2012 at 6:35 am #

      It gets confusing.

  4. daisy June 18, 2012 at 6:22 am #

    Is there a 20 pack price on those Wizard Staff pieces of vinyl tape with the fancy words that say something?

    • Stevil June 18, 2012 at 7:02 am #

      $20.00, but you still get a break on shipping.

  5. Teamfubar June 18, 2012 at 6:52 am #

    I would LOVE to create a Wizard Staff myself on Saturday, but instead, I’ll be flogging myself at the inaugural Tatanka 100 . I’ll try to make a Wizard Staff after the race, but I’m guessing it will be a staff for someone in the 2′ 3″ range before I pass out.

  6. Velorambling June 18, 2012 at 6:52 am #

    As bad things come in 3 it should be noted that good things do as well with the advent of 3 new stickers. Equalling forces?

  7. Ralph Oppermann June 18, 2012 at 8:31 am #

    As I was not aware of the celebration until now.. I was hoping that the machete’s I bought for the kids would be an acceptable substitute for wizard sticks.. Your input on the rules and formalities for this event would be much appreciated..

    • Stevil June 18, 2012 at 8:41 am #

      Drink a ton, tape the cans together, have fun, laugh with friends, create memories which will only be able to be recalled by photos, act like a kid, and so fourth. There are no rules, except that you need to make the most wizardy staff you can on that day while at the same time avoiding any alcohol related injuries.

      • Ben June 18, 2012 at 10:04 am #

        UDIs. Unidentified Drinking Injury

  8. Aden June 18, 2012 at 8:56 pm #


    Thank you so much for sending Captain Dave and Cheevil into the ICU on your behalf. They were excellent stand-ins. Dave even came back the next day with Brigid, and handed me my ass in a few games of gin and gin-rummy. It may be that he had a slight advantage seeing as how I was doped up on roxies the entire time, but their company proved elemental in starting my healing process. Brigid was kind enough to bring a lady (that would be me) some flowers. I also scored an excellent selection of books from the 3 of them, including Breaking Away, Where Men Win Glory (Pat Tillman’s story), Team 7-Eleven (the complete history), Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (Dawn of the Dreadfuls), as well as my very own EVIL wristband and sticker. Finally, I won! And all I had to do was almost die.

    While I am awkwardly trying to heal, I believe Cheevil has picked up my sturdy little grocery getter and is writing up an insurance estimate. All I need now is a lawyer to sink their fangs into GEICO for me so that I can pay these bills and start riding again.

    My heart goes out to Bernard and Mat. I wish them each the best of circumstances on their roads to recovery. Their injuries make mine look like a knee scrape.

    I count myself very lucky to be alive and even luckier to have friends like you that pull through when it counts. It’s really hard to feel weak and to need/accept help from others when I want to be the strong, independent (yet loving) cunt you know me to be. Oh, it is good to be humbled. Just when I thought a slap in the face was all I needed to set me right, I get the door of a pick-up slammed into my neck. I should be more careful about what I wish for, eh?

    Ultimately, I will no longer be able to attend the Wizards Across the Universe event for fear that the beer will leak out my throat, allowing me to become less drunk, and thusly giving me the upper hand. It wouldn’t be very sportsman like of me at all. Instead I’ll just stay home and eat these delicious pills the doctor gave me, and daydream of the day I eat solid foods again!

    Love ya!

  9. Chris June 19, 2012 at 12:46 pm #

    Fuck you Stevil! Damn,
    I’m getting my Frisbee…