And that’s all she wrote.


As per my declaration on Saturday, I’ve reached the conclusion of my abilities with Friday’s post.

It was my magnum opus, or my mia culpa, or whatever that phrase is. Mia cupla I think means my mistake, so possibly depending on your perspective Friday’s post might have been either, or both.

Anyhoo, now armed with an empty inbox and a head full of air, I have no where to go but sideways.

So on Friday we were discussing women and bikes, and women on bikes, and any other combination thereof.

Right around that time I received the following ad from El Corpo Nuevo at Swobo depicting a real live women named Sarah, who rides real-live bikes;
To date, the ad has inspired some real gems such as “her stem’s too long” , and “her arm warmers need to be pulled up” and “are you sure this is the message you want to promote?” as well as an assortment of other comments, all of which were, you’d better sit down for this, made by men.

Again, I’m stupefied, yet sadly not at all surprised by the myopia and general numb-nuttedness displayed by a segment of the Y chromosomed peanut gallery, who clearly have all of the right answers all of the time.

Secondly, because it’s not a static photo of a product (which again, from my perspective has never challenged me as a viewer and potential consumer in the least) it’s caused at least a couple dozen pairs of bunched panties.

So clearly they’re doing something right.

And while the concepts are laid out by El Corpo Nuevo, the real magic happens at the hands of Darren Mahuron;

Anyway both El Corpo Nuevo and Darren made their way into the Bay Area to shoot some photos featuring my considerably better half and myself.

All of the photoshop in the world can’t help in making me presentable, but for Demonika’s part, she operated like a lovely profhessianal;
Will somebody post a comment or send me an email to let me know that hairnets don’t do a very good job of protecting one’s gray matter?

I sure hope so.

But living in the fast paced and fancy free world of a super model was very exciting.

During our time together, I saw some of this;
The title of this ad will be ‘no pants? No problem!‘ and it will make you long for the days of stem and arm warmer critiques.

And I saw some of this;
And then some of this;
As a matter of fact, as the days went on, I went from hired talent to gofer and grunt, which made me conclude that they only were ever interested in me for my wife, anyway.

Regardless of Swobo’s motivation, assuredly the images that Darren will end up creating for the ads will be second to none and I look forward to seeing the finished product.

I suspect it might be even a little better than the concept I spent the better part of the weekend on;
So what else have we got on the plate?

Honestly not much, as pretty much everything I just described has been the last seventy two hours.

As I wrap up today’s marginal effort, I’ll take the opportunity to unveil a product I will have in The Market within the next week.

Now, it’s pretty much common knowledge all of my best ideas are appropriated from the best and brightest of my friends. CD offered me the wildly popular “My 100% Notgivingashit Beats Your 8% Faster“, as well as “I’m Deteriorating Faster Than I Can Lower My Standards” (which I later found out was actually an Anne Lamott quote.)

Apparently CD has found out it actually is possible to bullshit a bullshitter.

But just as I was racking my brain in an attempt at coming up with a new hilarious and timeless catchphrase, damned Snakehawk of Superissimo fame rolls through with one that when compared to my very best work, makes those efforts look like a few gravy dipped monosyllabic grunts.

I knew it had to be immortalized and I knew it had be be honored in such a way that Burt Reynolds, Tom Selleck, and Lee Majors would all respond with nods of quiet approval.

I offer you the ‘Colt Seavers’;
*Broken and sunburned nose sold separately.

As I said, these will be available in the Black Market Market within fifteen to twenty minutes of their arrival on my doorstep.

As far as headwear goes, the Colt Seavers is most positively both my magnum opus, as well as my mia culpa.

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Leave a Reply

19 Responses to “And that’s all she wrote.”

  1. Ben March 18, 2013 at 5:54 am #

    Why is Demonica walking up that hill? Her jersey isn’t fully zipped. Why is she touching the saddle that way? It’s not that the hairnet helmet isn’t safe enough, it’s not aero enough. There’s a car coming, GET OUT OF THE WAY! Stevil, will you get me a coffee and a tamale?

  2. Ghostship Matt March 18, 2013 at 6:40 am #

    “Secondly, because it’s not a static photo of a product (which again, from my perspective has never challenged me as a viewer and potential consumer in the least) it’s caused at least a couple dozen pairs of bunched panties.”

    You squarely “whacked the mole” with this observation. The skate and snowboard industry have only been doing this, um, forever? But then again, what the hell do a bunch of drunk stoners know?

    • Stevil March 18, 2013 at 9:52 am #

      Matt, you just drove a nail squarely through the head of the previously mentioned mole. As long as some of us get it, eventually more of us, (but definitely not all of us) will.

  3. Velorambling March 18, 2013 at 7:16 am #

    Darren’s art just knocked me off my kitchen/desk chair. Great work. The hairnet may not be the safest but that lightpost sticking out the top is sure to hurt upon impact. Now could you get me a double soy no fat pompous over priced coffee type beverage? Stat!

    • The Tashkent Error March 18, 2013 at 10:50 am #

      dang, you beat me to it. I would definitely be more worried about the lamppost, she may want to see a professional.

      • Johnny March 18, 2013 at 1:16 pm #

        You guys need to brush up on your helmet history. The old Cinelli helmets all used to come with a street-lamp looking lights coming out the top. The later ones used to swivel around your head.

        All kidding aside, that is a great looking jersey.

      • Colin March 18, 2013 at 3:44 pm #

        Pretty sure that’s her hemlet mirror.

  4. irishpunk59 March 18, 2013 at 8:24 am #

    Not the least bit concerned with the hairnet though I’d have that light growing out of the top of the head checked out.

  5. Pistil Pete March 18, 2013 at 10:57 am #

    A hairnet sure is better’n the sombrero they gave me to protect my noggin Down in Australia, though maybe not as good in the desert sun. BTW,that woman looks way too smart to be tricked by the likes of you into marryin’ a cyberdirtbag. She sure must be nice, or more gullible than she looks…

  6. whiskeydrome March 18, 2013 at 12:21 pm #

    Makes the whiskeydrome stuff seem a little tame:

  7. Z March 18, 2013 at 2:20 pm #

    An ad with a woman, a sweet bike, fire, a woman wearing spandex, humor and anarchy. What’s not to complain about

  8. hellbelly March 18, 2013 at 3:24 pm #

    The Swobo ad?!? Seriously, WTF is the problem? It is supra-awesome. Attractive female, bike, kooky hat, burning SUV (the scourge of the ‘Merkin road way, having overtaken minivans)…what’s not to love? I would love to see millions of SUV’s burning on the roadsides instead of burning ass loads of fuel to cart the fat fucks who drive them around. Joke those assholes that can’t take a fuck. The new hat? As a hirsute fella, it is a must have and probably explains a lot for my history.

  9. devo March 18, 2013 at 9:50 pm #

    Please make the ‘Colt Seavers’ come in a black T-shirt also. My chest hair and I thank you very much. Also this comment from you on FB today made soy milk come out of my nose:
    “You need to re-read the chapter on shutting the fuck up in your how to shut the fuck up book.”
    Well done.

  10. Angus March 18, 2013 at 11:26 pm #

    That hat is pure awesomenessness. I must have one.

  11. Frank Nachtman March 19, 2013 at 12:36 pm #

    All of that work to get the photo of Demonika, and there’s a lamppost growing out of her head. Or maybe that leather hairnet has a built in lighting system? Take about 20 seconds to remove that with photochop.

  12. J March 20, 2013 at 2:14 am #

    … as the message appeared to be ‘ladies on bikes are bangin and badass’, then (as a lady who likes to pretend this all the damn time), I am fairly sure that *is* the message that should be promoted.