A journey of introspection.

After publishing Tuesday’s post/declaration, I reckoned that a few folks might have a thought or two regarding the contained observations, but I never assumed they’d all be such rapidly amassed puzzle pieces leading to a component of my own self discovery, and how that relates with navigating the very here and now.

Pedaling home through the crisp darkness of Oakland’s Tuesday evening, I was struck with a bit of a thunderbolt after receiving a text from a friend telling me they loved me and that they were concerned for my well being.

In that moment, I realized that in order for me to accept love from other people, and not just accept it mind you, but to internalize it, and digest it, and have it become a part of me, I must first truly love myself, otherwise that which is offered to me slips through like so much water from a sieve.

This isn’t to say however that I’m incapable of giving it. In fact, giving love is perhaps one of the only things I can say I’m not only truly proficient at, but a thing I at which I excel.

If I can project it externally with such ease, why then am I so incacable to turn that light around and shine it internally?

That right there is the million dollar question, but having been adrift with no landmark in sight, or literally anything to cling to, to help me stay afloat for so many years, I’m going to take this realization as a huge victory.

Aside from this, a few people made contact and said they thought allowing such personal revelations was a thing that they considered to be a courageous move, to which I have to offer this analogy- If you had the option to either stand on stage and bare your body and soul to the masses, or die clothed, which would you choose? Allowing something so supremely personal to be part of public discourse might attract scorn or be something people will take advantage of to use against me, but if the alternative is spending the rest of my life withering away alone and drowning in a coffin of self loathing, I’ll happily take my chances.

And you know- If making this move helps even a single person recognize that it’s ok to ask for help, every bit of the grief would be worth it. I don’t presume I’m equipped with all of the tools I need to navigate this existence. I’m really good at addressing the issues I’m really good at addressing, but the host and volumes of issues I’m not? Those tools are about as ineffectual as trying to fix a flat with a dental drill. Starting today, I’m tearing the shit out of my pre-existing operating systems, and beginning to rebuild all over.

Whether this benefits me in this life, or the next, it remains to be seen, because contradictory to today’s opening image, I believe one can edit their soul, and by god, I’m going to do it, or I’ll die trying.

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5 Responses to “A journey of introspection.”

  1. hellbelly February 21, 2019 at 6:04 am #

    Other than a few random correspondences over the years we’ve never met irl. I’ve followed your writing and art since your Santa Cruz days (still have a frame card from a bike you put your mitts on). I go and have gone through the self-loathing forever and no matter what anyone says nor how much one attempts to fill their life with creativity, exercise or any diversions whether positive or negative that spectre is always waiting around the corner. I will not give you any solutions; only you can decide what is right for you. I hope you find what you need to bring things back around. Myself and many others are there for you and only want good things to come your way. Find someone(s) to talk to and then go ride, roll, draw and keep going.

  2. Jim February 21, 2019 at 7:29 am #


  3. Sue February 21, 2019 at 7:41 am #

    Boy, you find out who/where your friends are when needed! What great followers you have! They’re like gold in your pocket. Onward and upward……..

  4. zharris February 21, 2019 at 1:44 pm #

    This is some deep shit. The key to accepting love and support from others is to love yourself. You are right on there. What I struggle with is being able to love myself when I know myself so well, know all my faults, all the things I could do better and all the missed opportunities to make myself and the world a better place. How can you love someone like that? I look at the other people I love and none of them are perfect. Some of the most imperfect people I know are the ones I love the most and could not live without. I would never hold others to the standard I hold myself to. That is not fair. Even if someone I loved did something awful, I would still love them and separate the awful deed from that emotion. I have learned that it is critical to separate ones love for themselves from everyday actions or lack of life accomplishments. Self loathing drains every bit of life out of me. Just like I would tell a loved one, I have to tell myself “I may have done something stupid or I’m not on the right path but I still love myself”. I’m not condoning my bad behavior, just allowing the introspection to come from a loving place. I hope that helps with your thought process.

  5. blacksocks February 21, 2019 at 10:57 pm #

    so much love. for you and yours.