Ah yes, I’d just returned from a whirlwind trip to Canada, oh Canada, and had gotten back into the groove in my beloved home state of Colorado.
At some point recently a person commented and asked specifically what ghosts I’d been able to chase away in my time spent traveling. I’ve thought a lot about that question in the week or two since, and I’m not entirely sure how to answer it. You see, besides all of the specifically personal stuff I’ve aired here on this website the last couple of months, as anyone who’s ever been married, or even in a long term relationship goes understands, there is no science in maintaining one, and bless my partner’s heart for attempting to love me while as it turns out, I was wholly incapable of loving myself.
It’s akin to attempting to plug an electrical chord into a brick wall, and while this is but a part of the motivation behind my journey, I’d say more than anything, and at least for now, my primary directive is to be nice to myself, which is much harder than it sounds, and is only relatable to someone who has been faced with this particular challenge themselves.
I’ve spent ample time alone, as well as with friends. I’ve ridden bikes, and journaled by a fire. I’ve wondered when this will end, and if when it does, I’ll again have a place at home.
For now, I’m taking life a day at a time, and when the clouds roll in, and the heavy fist of self criticism comes slamming down on my venerable shell, I meditate, and trust that I can get through this, that the universe will put me where it wants to, or short of that, just occasionally cry.
So to answer the commenter’s query- I don’t know what I’ve learned, but one thing I’m sure of is that in time it will make itself known.
When and if it does is anyone’s guess, but in as far as lessons learned go, I’ll again simply say that after a lifetime of none, allowing myself a little self love is at the top of the list.