You ever just want to disappear?

Man, I do.

Not with any intensified frequency or anything. It’s just been on my mind a lot.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I realized recently that this is a nearly life long go-to for me, and a defense mechanism from way back. Run away from that which gives you pain, anxiety, etc., and as I’ve come to recognize just Sunday morning, one of the reasons why my wife pulled the plug on our marriage.

Living with someone who readily recognizes they have one foot out the door, (either literally or figuratively) is no way to go through life, and as much as it absolutely guts me to realize this after it was too late, provides me with a cross roads that I can address.

So to say the last week was excruciatingly educational would be a understatement for the ages.

I don’t know how else to be, and I don’t know what’s normal, and what’s not, because as it is for any of us, for better and worse, we’ve had our personal modes of operation, and ways of being for all of our lives. Sometimes these don’t serve us, but we’re far too close to it to see them for what they are.

This was a realization for the ages, and further confirmed the beauty and struggle of always being open to try and see our patterns objectively. This can be throughs strife, therapy, conversations with trusted friends, or likely a combination of all of these things.

As I always mention when offering these little bits and bits of perspective is that I am hell and gone from having anything figured out, but I do know we’re all struggling to some degree or another these days As anyone who’s spent any time here at all for the last year is well aware, my reality has been a bit of a hot mess, and as I fight for air on my side of the computer, perhaps I can offer some perspective, or words of encouragement that might resonate on yours.

Now at this juncture of today’s post, can I again mention that I’m fixing to pull the trigger on a new color way of that ‘Respect Women’ shirt I did a couple (or whatever) years ago, and that the pre-order for said shirt is happening right now?

I’ll be submitting the order to my screen printer at o’dark thirty on the morning of Wednesday the 28th, so if you’re gonna drag your feet, you might wanna shoot for the evening of Tuesday the 27th. If there’s one thing my printer hates more than adding revisions in ones and twos to my order after I’ve already given it to him, he hasn’t yet let me know about it yet.

So let’s take it easy on him, (the most important) and me, (not terribly important), and get your order in on the early side.

As always I thank you for your time and consideration on this matter.

Moving on to other topics I like to discuss, this weekend while roller boarding in the dirty parking lot, I taught myself a new trick I’ve wanted to learn since I was a kid. All hail the fugliest Hurricane ever to disgrace the planet;

If you maybe don’t know an ugly one from a pretty one, Heavy Metal Chuck does pretty ones;

But I’ll tell you what- This was a battle, and while I maybe don’t have these on lock 100% of the time, I have the mechanics, and should I find a proper curb that’s not too short, and buried under dirt, wood chips, and used syringes, I look forward to trying it out for real, and spending less time like this;

The point being, very occasionally, old dogs can learn new tricks after all.

Having said that, let’s take a quick dip into the mail bag, starting off with one from Patrick that I received just last night;


I haven’t seen one of these in a long while but it made me think of you so I thought I would drop a line;

On my way to the weekly Thursday night bro down throw down I stopped to grab some trail boy trail beers. The cashier was not impressed by the blessing of beelzebub. I felt it couldn’t be more appropriate.

Keep on keeping on!

When the dark lord smiles upon our beer purchases is when we really know we’re on the right path.

Lastly, before I go I got a holler from Michael about a brand new pump track that’s practically right in my very own backyard:

Hey Stevil,

FYI, after a lot of work from a lot of people, there is a rad pump track at Joaquin Miller Park;

Here is our announcement for after construction.

We’d love to hear what you think of it next time you have a wandering journey through the hills with your adventure bicycle. If you do happen to make a post for the pump, we would appreciate it, and if you can give our gofundme for phase II construction we would love it.

Thanks. mjh?

Thanks and get rad!!

So, shit. Just as I’m prepared to vanish once and for all, this information comes down the pipe.

I’ll wait around at least long enough to get a bite out of them jumps, and then in a pink puff of smoke, I’m gone maybe for sure.

Spread this like it's sick

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6 Responses to “You ever just want to disappear?”

  1. eb October 20, 2020 at 7:15 am #

    A few years ago I had a credit card with the “3 digit security code” of 666. Best credit card ever. My favorite incident was one when the lady on the other end of the phone got angry at the end of the transaction when she asked for the code.

    Lady: And the 3 digit security code?

    Me: 666.

    Lady: Oh my. Oh no.

    Me (starting to laugh cuz I know where this is going): Is everything OK over there?

    Lady: Sir, I don’t think this is funny and I don’t appreciate you making light of that number.

    Me (laughing more): M’am, I think it’s awesome, and it isn’t like I chose it. It’s a random number.

    Lady: It is not a random number, and it isn’t funny.

    Me: If I had known, I would have requested it. Do you think I could request the number for my next card since this one is about to expire?

    Click, buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

  2. Craig October 20, 2020 at 8:14 am #

    Stevil, thanks for being honest and sharing with your readers to help them learn from your struggle. Mental health is always harder in isolation.

  3. reb October 20, 2020 at 11:16 am #

    When I got my first cell phone the clerk said “Oh you aren’t going to want this number”, which was 6667. I was like damned right I want that number. One it’s kinda cool and two how could you ever forget it? And the 3 digit part of the number was my address when I was a kid. Think the random number generator is trying to tell me something?

  4. Sasquatch October 22, 2020 at 6:59 pm #

    My zip is o6o66 and I like to think that you smile every time you mail me AHTBM t-shirts and coffee. But you probably don’t, and that’s ok too. Thanks for keepin’ it real….

  5. beast October 23, 2020 at 4:44 pm #

    hang in there Stevo…

    btw – pump track guy has clock-wise and counter confused. But all good. Pump tracks rule.

    peace, SB

  6. Paul October 26, 2020 at 6:46 pm #

    Love is beautiful, wonderful, and all at the same time, terrifying.