To be found, sometimes you first gotta get lost.

Today’s dispatch finds me somewhere between Colorado, and Washington State, and maybe in a slightly better state of mind than I have been.

You see, while reeling from seemingly endless loss the last couple of years, part of this journey coincided with fucking off to the woods;

And the opportunity to engage on a spiritual cleanse under the guidance of an individual who happens to be proficient in such things. Part of said cleanse also involved a ‘God trip’, which started with the ingestion of a solid handful of mushrooms. Right out of the gate I began being hilarious, and in short order, realized laying down might be a good call.

As my perception began opening up, and the walls of my environment began turning to layers of billowy silk, all of that loss hit me in nearly incapacitating waves. The loss of friends’ lives, wife, and imagined future came crashing in on me in ways that I wasn’t previously imagining, or prepared for.

About an hour or so in, I had to put myself outside which even given all that open sky seemed a little confining. I kept reminding myself that for better or worse, the medicine was delivering what I needed, and that it would eventually taper off.

My eyes were so heavy, but when I’d close them, was faced with hallucinations, and images of meandering horror. With each wave of sadness and fear, I’d breathe through them, and hear the voice of a former guide reminding me that it was all temporary.

As much as I wanted to have a joyful journey filled with delirious laughter, it wasn’t in the cards for me, and as I’m want to do, managed the entire experience while shouldering the weight of the world.

I’m not sure why I’m built this way, nor do I understand why sadness is such an integral part of my composition, but I’m hoping that with this experience under my belt that my nervous system and heart will both be even slightly lighter, and that happiness and light will be at least incrementally more present.

Sadly, a couple of days later upon my return to earth, just as things were coming together, smack dab in the midst of a rip with Sasha and Katie, (which all unto itself was a blast);

-I tweaked my already partially fuggered ankle, and sent me back down a rabbit hole of despair.

Sasha who has a background in medicine seems to think I ruptured some tendons that were already strained, which obviously wasn’t the news I was hoping for. As soon as I get back to the home front, I’m planning on trying to schedule an MRI just so as to get to the bottom of things. Being a total baby about injuries certainly doesn’t make this any easier.

Unrelated to any of that, but simply because it’s on my mind, but I’m pretty sure I’ve previously mentioned that I (possibly) unwisely purchased myself one of these;

I’ve been shimmying and shaking my way across whatever resources I can think of in order to find a person who can paint it up like the infamous Fall Guy truck;

Then, one day in conversation with Joe Parkin (Has Nice Hair) he mentioned I should reach out to Michael Corby from Corby Concepts. I don’t know why I didn’t think of him before, but if anyone could do it, I’m pretty sure he could.

Anyway, I did as Parkin instructed, and as I type these words, he’s checking on availability of GM paints, which thrills me to no end.

If the world ends tomorrow, at least I have this project underway.

Moving on to two remaining topics neither of which matter in the least, but yesterday I (lightly) sessioned a drainage ditch I’ve been thinking about since I was in 9th grade;

Due to the fact that the aforementioned ankle injury was a bit of a hindrance, I certainly only didn’t roger it to the degree I’d long dreamt about, but it was a gas to return and get some turns just the same.

Finally, as you begin to worm your way out of the rotten apple that is my own slice of cycling media, perhaps you’d like to peep the new episode of Revolting that is all about just that;

The short version is I don’t like it, but I do, but I don’t.

While I may be lost in a number of other of life’s facets, my opinion on that shiz is easily found.

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Leave a Reply

5 Responses to “To be found, sometimes you first gotta get lost.”

  1. Jp October 4, 2022 at 5:33 am #

    I’d like to find the time and safe environment to do the same.

  2. Oliver October 4, 2022 at 11:02 am #

    I wish you all the best on your journey. Thank you for sharing.I like to think that the most important line of your post was ‘it is all temporary’. For the good and the bad.

  3. dnuggies October 4, 2022 at 8:04 pm #

    Sounds like a great trip! Did the kitties partake?

  4. Logan October 7, 2022 at 11:01 pm #

    I’m in a real low spot in my post divorce life and it’s a time when I thought things would be easier but they’re actually harder. I have so much anger, sadness and fear at times I want to push a barn over. I’d like to go on my own trip soon, I’ll make the arrangements. Thanks for sharing this space. ?those pictures are awesome.

  5. morgan October 10, 2022 at 10:09 am #

    You bud, solid chance I’m coming to Bellingham in the next week or two. Let’s catch up on… tiny trucks painted to match big trucks, mushrooms and depression, life in general… assuming you’re around. will drop you a text when I got a better idea