Don’t hate me because I’m bieütiful.

I sometimes live a blessed life.
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I mean, it’s not one of Caligulan excess, but it’s pretty good.


Between orgies and coke binges I find that I occasionally even have enough time to go to my P.O. box.
Sometimes I get awesome things like ten dollar off coupons for ink cartridges at the red and white coloredwayed office supply store whose name I can’t remember right now, while other times I get postcards from far away and exotic lands.
Once in a great while I get some items sent to me from hard working folks down here in the trenches with the rest of us.
Last week I got a number of such packages, and in return, for those people I would like to present imagery of said items as well as corresponding links, so if any of the dozen or so people who are reading this would like to procure one of their own, they can easily do so.
Think of today’s post as a low rent version of one of those ‘gear guides’ that you get free with a subscription to your favorite outdoor activity enthusiast magazines, except in a pinch, you can’t wipe your ass with what I have to offer.
That said, first up a fellow named Mike from a burgeoning little empire called Spoke Apparel contacted me and sent a couple shirts that when spread out on the floor, are shaped in a ‘T’ configuration.
They look like this;
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I noted that when you search Spoke Apparel in the Googles, it starts off by describing the company thusly; “T-Shirts for Mountain Bikers, Freeride, Downhill…”
This was fortuitous, as I myself ride a mountain bike down hill from time to time, and once at Crystal Mountain Washington’s 2002 NORBA National, I free rode.
Yep, you heard me right. I took the chair lift to the top, and didn’t feel even the slightest tinge of guilt, so that being said, these t-shirts are obviously for me, and if you like to ride mountain bikes down, or even up hill, then perhaps they would be for you as well.
The second care package I received from Stu were two similarly shaped shirts that he made for his Race of the Dead event, and after being draped over a foot stool looked like this;
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My t-shirt collection is beginning to look a lot like Halloween.
Keeping in lock step with the obvious color pallet of my choice, Bob ‘Big Air’ Morgan, of the esteemed Geekhouse Bicycle racing squad literally sent me the shirt off his back with a directive to those who have a penchant for the cantilever style of bicycle brakes;
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I asked Bob if he would please do a revision of this shirt depicting a syringe.
He has yet to get back with me on the matter.
I have carefully washed and folded all of my new acquisitions and introduced them to their new family;
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Then Ken from Bunjo did me a mega solid and sent me a jersey emblazoned with not only his imprint, but a fuzzy buddy’s stylized bad hole as well;
Back, yo.
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And front, yo.
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Included with Ken’s jersey was a fetching little cap made by the very capable hands of Lucie from Luce Goods. Unfortunately for me, the cap looked far better atop the dome of one Demonika than it did on the AHTBM branded ‘photo stool’, and she absconded with it directly;
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Finally, and most amazingly, Joel from Yakima emailed me a few weeks ago with the news that he and a band of his fellow Yakimites were sitting around after work one day presumably delirious from a beer and pizza bender when they concluded that as a wedding gift, they would like to present me with my very own Yakima brand rack.
Upon completion of the rack’s installation, I immediately threw my bike on the back and drove to the land where the privileged meet and drive around with their bikes on their cars;
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Now that I too am at long last in possession of my own rack, I am reminded of that Eddie Murphy clip where he ‘goes white’ and ultimately is treated much differently than usual.
Young and active looking people in Subaru Outbacks and Nissan Pathfinders would drive by me and wave, as if offering up some sort of secret handshake.
At random stop lights, attractive women in Pilates clothing approached me and passed off scraps of sweet smelling paper containing their phone numbers.
Upon my arrival to the coffee shop, I was presented with not only a free cup of joe, but my choice of pastry.
Later in the day when I drove to the bike shop, all of the patrons emerged, hoisting me into the air and carried me inside where I was treated to a 75% off everything shopping extravaganza.
I thought that Joel had simply presented to me a very generous gift. I had no idea that he had given me the keys to the kingdom as well.
It’s all almost enough to make Caligula slither from beneath his mound of nudity and diamond encrusted goblets to think about being green with envy.
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6 Responses to “Don’t hate me because I’m bieütiful.”

  1. bradley koester November 19, 2010 at 10:08 am #

    dfL always on top!

  2. slappy November 19, 2010 at 10:12 am #

    you should try and put all those t shirts on at once

  3. Willem November 19, 2010 at 11:15 am #

    Can’t get the work computer to do the contact you thing. There is a fun weekend of cross racing/partying going on in philly on Dec.18th. If you could spread the gospel like you do.
    Philly fun cross weekend Dec. 18th
    http://xmascrossandmtbfollies.blogspot.com/
    http://www.bilenky.com/News_%26_Rumors.html
    its gonna be good.

  4. yafro November 19, 2010 at 3:33 pm #

    Spoke Apparel = Primal Wear?? Hmm….

  5. Crank November 19, 2010 at 3:46 pm #

    Congratulations on your orgy. Keep an eye on your front derailleur, as it may develop a puss like discharge. If it does, apply mud as needed.

  6. One Eyed z November 26, 2010 at 8:34 am #

    I’m digging the look of that jersey.