I either have food poisoning, the flu, or the black plague.


I adjusted the photo I took of myself the other night to make it a little more family friendly.
You might ask yourself why in the throws of illness would I think to grab my camera and snap a shot, and the only answer I can muster is simply because I don’t yet have a photo of myself barfing.
It really is the ultimate in narcissism.
And besides, I think the bathrobe is a pretty nice touch.
If it is the flu, I now have an excuse for my piss-poor performance on Sunday.
If it’s not, then I guess I can just attribute my race result to a general level of suckness.
That being said, my debut at the JanSport party was anything but noteworthy.
There was free food, an open bar, a shot bar, a photo booth, a poachable swimming pool, a bevy of attractive people, and most notably, a margarita pissing statue, none of which I was able to take part in;
If you had your ear to the ground on Wednesday night some time around 7:30 you might very well have heard my heart breaking.
Though being the consummate professional that I am, I stuck my head into one of the meeting rooms to take a look at what was left over to see. The most notable was what for all intent and purposes a miniature external framed backpack, the framework for which was removable, leaving you with a double strapped messenger bag. Internally there was a drawstring closable dry sack and a multitude of pockets and closures. This is what it looked like if you were standing next to me and you were super tall, or if I was on my knees begging your forgiveness;
Most of the show had been broken down by the time I’d arrived, so I only got to see a little bit of the 2010 line. The expedition bags I think were probably the coolest, and after my recent backpacking trip up the Yuba River (check the old site I used to write for) with my 25 year old bag, I think it might be time for an upgrade.
Moving on.. Now that I’ve got a Facebook page, it cuts my time looking for crap on the internet down to only like, 18 hours a day. Sometimes though, I’ll spy one that will pique my interest.
It’s chock full of bad words, but I’m a simple minded man, so I’m ok with it.
‘Insane discoveries that science can’t explain’.
For those of you who don’t care about that specific sort of historical phenomenon, here is a photo of Larry Woodruff in 1980;
I know for a fact that some of you are aware who Larry Woodruff is. For the rest of you, wish on your lucky stars that one day you might.
685 sent that photo on to me, and though there truly is alot to love about it, I think my favorite part is this guy;
Here is one for the “wow, man.. That’s sweet, but gross, but sweet, but gross” file;

Since I am seemingly the only bicycle related website that never had a recap of the SSWC, I may as well throw up George’s version of what transpired, but unless you’ve been living under a rock, you might already have gotten the idea;
check out the crap that went down in Durango the other weekend.
There was old acquaintance sidewalk tackling into the street (you are welcome Mr. Craig Etheridge), extracycle stomparilla bike surfing compliments of Max, power outages, front yard urban camping, post last call fireworks then the cops came, but they actually just gave our boy a ride home, bananas, good times, cramps, homegrown, mustaches, plenty of skirts on dudes and some ladies, trail flashings by the skirts, blood, ned overend in a dress shredding, and the best feed zone i’ve ever experienced.
as for the race itself, I started about last and well who cares…
I got to ride with some dude named Rock from PA for a while and that was awesome, before that some dude who may have been similiar to “DBDHN” wacked the crap out of my rear wheel on purpose as I passed him walking. later, we were walking the trail of tears known as the hike a bike and i turned back to him and said,”dude I just wanted to get by, thanks for being a dick” and this wonderful gent didn’t say a fucking word – he simply nodded, smiled and then threw a flask full of the most wonderfully tasting whiskey right at my chest, now we’re amigos!
at the top of the last hike a bike a wonderful feed station appeared out of the rainbow sky full of magical wizards dropping the hammers of the gods in the form of twinkies, bacon, beer, tequila, and bong rips.
yes, thank you durango i will have a blonde ale, 5 twinkies, handfuls of bacon, 1 shot of tequila and a lightning crisp bong rip before the final downhill. check please.
if this email were any longer it would probably suck more.
that event was rad.

It must have been, cause people won’t stop talking about it.
So, Complayna posed this question to me, and I in turn posed it to George, and though it’s probably an erroneous query coming from a person who for the better part of 15 years has raced in an orange jumpsuit, I still have to ask- What’s the deal with costumes at bike races? I wore one last year in Portland for the first and only time, but I couldn’t begin to tell you why.
Of course Gaahl (the individual I was dressed as) had just recently come out of the closet, so the chances that I would have dressed up like him on that day anyway, are pretty high.
(Photo by Brujo.)
Anyway, Complayna’s query is an interesting one. What has transpired in the last five years to have made dressing up in costumes at bike races all the rage?
It looks like, despite the above photo, I just very well might be one of the only people who doesn’t get it.
Alrighty.. I’m gonna roll on outta here to continue evacuating my system. I hope you all appreciate how difficult it is to not only post here consistently, but to do so while taking intermittent breaks to vomit.
Signing off with respect, and cold sweats,

Spread this like it's sick

Leave a Reply

19 Responses to “I either have food poisoning, the flu, or the black plague.”

  1. pedalman October 15, 2009 at 8:14 pm #

    Old school animation rocks!

  2. Mezbone October 15, 2009 at 9:37 pm #

    Welcome back to my computer.
    Here ya go

  3. Lucky October 16, 2009 at 3:50 am #

    Yeah, begging for forgiveness. Now, beg faster and deeper, pretty Gaahl.
    Those frowny faces are better out than in.

  4. Teamfubar October 16, 2009 at 4:50 am #

    Swine, swine, everyone’s got swine…makin’ me feel fevery, losin’ my mind.
    Sounds like the H1N1 has got it’s grip on you my man, burn it out with some jalepenos and some whiskey my man.

  5. cary October 16, 2009 at 5:00 am #

    Missed the first beer handup, the last bacon/bong hit handups and there was no beer left when I finished (I’m looking at you Fort Lewis College underage drunks) yet I didn’t feel like a complete failure. Side note: the “nearly” dressed ladies on single speeds were arousing; you know how difficult it was to hide a boner in stretchy pants?

  6. brado1 October 16, 2009 at 5:20 am #

    Get well brother!

  7. chad October 16, 2009 at 8:14 am #

    Get well soon, so you can get fuked up and make yourself sick again.

  8. Colin M October 16, 2009 at 8:19 am #

    The POM bong is awesome!

  9. dc October 16, 2009 at 12:05 pm #

    Here’s my thought on why dressing in ridiculous costume is all the rage at bicycle races. Because ever since lycra replaced spandex and helmets were required, that’s all we’ve ever been doing. Cyclists have always been wearing bizzare costumes, and until recently, there was only one kind to wear… now, the creative floodgates have opened, and every event can have a little masquerade type of flavor.

  10. snombie October 16, 2009 at 12:46 pm #

    Holy shit! I have the same pajama pants to match that robe!
    Yet another excuse of douchebag race aficionados saying “STOP BARFING ALONG THE RACE ROUTE…and GET OUT OF THE WAY! YOU’RE RUINING THE RACE FOR EVERYBODY!” Of course, it’s even sweeter evil revenge to have your barf embedded in douchebags’ tires as they roll through it…so go for it all “ill style”…
    And even more sticker ideas…
    “More fun than a margarita pissing statue…AHTBM”
    “Dude I just wanted to get by, thanks for being a dick”
    “Gaahls and satanic lycra…Happy Halloween from AHTBM”
    Dodge Swinger 1973, top down, chassis free,
    Buzz Aldrin, Armstrong, or maybe just me.
    Don’t worry, He’s coming.
    Don’t worry, She’s coming.
    Jesus on the dashboard.

  11. Bluenoser October 16, 2009 at 1:12 pm #

    Bacon… because of the grease slides on out real nice.

  12. irishpunk59 October 17, 2009 at 9:04 am #

    feels for ya man the boy and I have been down all week and now it appears the missus is goin as well best thing is the flu shot clinic down to work next week thanks a lot gucc

  13. Stevil October 17, 2009 at 9:11 am #

    No way. No flu shots.. Getting sick is part of being a human being. We have immune systems for a reason. After all getting sick just makes them stronger.
    Besides, I prefer not having anything injected that the government recommends.
    Call me cynical, but I never had the feeling that my best interests were really ever in their heart.

  14. Nancy Pelosi October 17, 2009 at 1:36 pm #

    Stevil, so I guess that means you are against including the “public option” in National Health Care?

  15. Stevil October 17, 2009 at 2:52 pm #

    My mind is open, but I do know that I’ve spent more of my life without health insurance than I have with, which contradicts what the government has been telling me.

  16. Rusty October 17, 2009 at 5:35 pm #

    Not H1N1, that’s a respiratory illness. Most likely food poisoning. Not that that’s any consolation. Take it easy.

  17. N@ October 17, 2009 at 7:38 pm #

    I recon it’s the german measels. The best cure is dried french sheep herder sausage with nuts.
    Also: When I asked the dictionary how to spell measels one of the options it gave me for the word I was trying to spell was this mesail:
    a pivoted piece on a helmet between a visor and a beaver.

  18. FunkyLaneO October 18, 2009 at 10:13 am #

    You’re in good company.

    everybody should be photographed during the technicolor yawn