Upon my return home Monday night I reluctantly turned on my computer, only to find that in the couple of days I was away, I received over 100 emails. I type with two fingers and my nose. How the hell am I supposed to get through all of those?
The only answer I can see is that I get an assistant;
Obviously I can’t hire Prince Randian, as he died long ago, but I mean, how sweet would that be? He could even roll a cigarette with his mouth..
That’s the kind of chops I’m looking for in my new business venture.
Anyway, as I said, I have a metric crap ton of correspondences to get through, so I suppose the best time to start is now.
First up, Brian Vernor of ‘We Just Work Here’, ‘Where Are You Go’, and ‘Pure Sweet Hell’ fame has come out swinging with his newest offering.
All Hail ‘The Cyclocross Meeting’;
Then, SamH presumably is the first person ever to throw an alleycat race in Bozeman, Montana.
I assume this is because there are no alleys there, but he took time out just the same, to let us know how things went down;
Here’s a blog post I did about our Alleycat. Click the link to the photos for some good ones also. Feel free to post any of ’em on your blog. I think you’ll particularly like the one my friend Liz posed with her cats.
Also, the pics of the two dudes holding up the “All Hail the Black Market” sign were taken just before they were accosted by a bum living in the van I had as one of the checkpoints.
I have to reiterate that this was the first event I have personally helped sponsor, so naturally I have a soft spot for it, but then he has to go and throw kittens and bum fights into the mix as well.
He might as well have just opened up my heart and pooped a rainbow right into it.
As we all know, we’re smack dab in the middle of the season in which cyclocross style athletic pursuits are ruined by people like us for everybody. This is proven by the sheer number of emails I’ve gotten from people who shamelessly admit that they don’t take their racing seriously.
Like they do in Boulder;
so the USGP was in our fair city this past weekend and am happy to say we had some of the elite’s graciously accepting handups of beers and dollars during their races. it’s always good to see the big boys and girls still having fun like they’re supposed to.
the attached pic is me playing mid-pack hero. two kick ass days of racing, beer and mud are always good for the body.
Then I got one from Mike;
Just a quick update from the east coast ‘cross scene. Contrary to what this photo might say, we’re not a bunch of candy asses out here. We have mud, cold, rain, beer hand ups and downs, and all kinds of crap-just during race registration alone. This is at the start of the best cross series in Eastern PA, or anywhere for that matter.
Photo by Anthony Skorochod.
As you can see, we’re very stylish when we race (yes, the guy on the far left with the PBR is a multi-time track national champion and Olympian.) We’re as fast as we are good looking (well, some of us are.)”
Likewise, Andrew emailed me with a transmission similarly chock-full of flippant B.S.;
“i know all you guys think the northeast is uptight… hell, i do too. i’ve never raced cross on the west coast, but rest assured that my weekend dreams are filled with beer hand-offs and silly costumes.
me and my team (Geekhouse Bikes) got the chance to live one of those dreams this past weekend at the canton cup in canton, ma. i even convinced the race organizer to give us a call-up since we were going to race in costume. i’m the flamingo, dan’s the clone trooper.
the flamingo neck caught the wind like a sail and it was like wearing a scarf and winter hat. i also may have won best costume.
also, i love your blog.
What is wrong with you people? This is cyclocross for God’s sake… The king’s sport.
The lot of you should be ashamed of yourselves.
Oh, and thanks for saying you love my blog.
You all might be ruining the race for everybody, but at least you have good taste.
But wait a minute.. Potter lives in Boulder, and he doesn’t seem to take much seriously;
“I rocked the Boulder Hipster look for halloween. I kinda dug it. I think it may be the new Me.”
Man, I don’t know if I’m coming or going. Is the East Coast uptight, or isn’t it? Are they candy asses, or aren’t they? Is Boulder serious, or isn’t it?
I swear it’s almost enough to make my brain pop.
Like usual, when my world becomes fuzzy and undecipherable, Loudass rolls up with the cure for what ails me;
“1) Before cyclocross was full of pissy little dandies preening around on plastic bikes, it consisted of badass dudes in wool jerseys with mutton chops, mustaches and no headwear of any type, astride steel bikes made by white men with bad teeth.
2) King Eddy is unstoppable, like the Soviet Union.”
This weekend I will be flying the flag that those hard men before me flew. This of course isn’t to say that I will be winning anything, but I can assure you that with the help of my teammates, I will be cutting a swath through the civility and camaraderie that I’m sure the SSCXWC organizers are hoping for.
In response to a recent email barrage from the event’s organizers concerning exchanging the qualifiers for a ‘Festivities Ride’ (due to the fact that it’s in Portland, I can only assume that we will all have to dress like Elvis, or Stephen Colbert and ride tiny bikes or something) to which Cheever responded;
“I don’t know what a ‘Festivities Ride’ is.. It sounds more like a ride-around-in-an-orange-jumpsuit- and-fuck-shit-up-ride.”
Amen to that.
Cheever has a silver tongue when I do not.
Welp, just like I said last Friday, my regular postings won’t resume until next Wednesday. That is to say I will be gone Monday.
The first email I receive from anyone asking me why I didn’t post anything on Monday gets 1 (one) public shaming because you don’t know how to read.
For those of you looking for me in Portland, follow the smoke and the screams.