A new, New Year’s Resolution.


I’ve decided that since I broke my New Year’s Resolution within 48 hours of 2011 actually existing, (we won’t get into specifics of what that resolution actually was, but suffice it to say, it involed midgets, brass poles, trebuchets, and the hair of one J.P.H.N.H.), I decided a better one would be to include an image of an hour glass at the head of every single post. As you can plainly see, I did just that, and not only is it just an image of an hour glass, but it’s an image of a being that I assume to be God, preparing to smash the place where I keep all of my stuff into oblivion with his.
This of course is in reference to the theory that 2011 is in fact our last year together.
This concerns me for a number of reasons, one of which is that I have worked too hard the last year and a half to have it all get destroyed by an enormous hour glass.
Some people are saying this is going to actually happen on May 21st, as opposed to the previously heralded December 22nd.
This new theory just gives me one more reason to rage my face off on May 22nd.
Like I needed another one.
Of course there are a number of theories on the matter, bunches of which were sent to me from TwoToneAtl’s Jon Woodroof and can be found here.
I like the Mayan ideology that we are actually on the cusp of a regeration of the earth, and a time of galactic harmony. The thought that all of humanity will wake up on December 22nd and say in unison “I guess it’s time to stop being such a shit head” sounds pretty good to me. For my part, long ago I had this realization, and have made steps to better myself because of it. Flinging bits of yogurt covered string cheese into Amy Nagler’s hair on the school bus in 1984 wasn’t a nice thing to do at all, nor was destroying Damon Kestler’s house in 1988, but ultimately I used those experiences to make myself a better person.
Now if all of the rest of the world would follow suit, we can beat this whole rapture thing and keep on keeping on, as it were.
Or, as indicated by this video sent to me from Garen, we can just totally loose our minds;

(Pssst.. He didn’t mention anything about the fact that the birds were all trying to avoid a huge fireworks show.)
And as long as we’re going to be making the Earth a better place for all who inhabit it, why not do it in style while wearing one of my new jerseys;
One thing that you will learn in the next 88 days is that I will be able to segue from any given topic to the fact that I need to sell these jerseys in order to make them.
For example;
The Golden Girls = Smokey and The Bandit jersey.
Socialized medical coverage and health care reform = Smokey and The Bandit jersey.
Milla Jovovich = Someday she will be my other wife, and also Smokey and The Bandit jersey.
You get the idea.
So that said, on the list of important things in my life, End Times is number one and meeting my minimum order is number two.
Up there on that list of course, would be music. I grew up with music of all manner in my home. My parents, and especially my dad were fanatical about the stuff, and opened my ears to a broad and colorful array. While I may go on and on about the newest, loudest and noisiest of guitar driven whatever, I do indeed have a taste for the softer stuff. That is why my heart sang when SJE dropped this clip in my lap of Ray Lamontagne doing what Ray Lamontagne does best.

Somewhere Joe Cocker is smiling.
Speaking of which, but not really.. Sometime between rain storms recently, and just after riding bikes with Jordi, Skinny Bee and Pushbike Ian, J.P.H.N.H. rang me on the pocket phone to ask me several questions which he wouldn’t give me more than a few seconds to answer.
Not entirely sure I got any of them correct, I bid him a good day and went on about my business.
While perusing the interwebs a few short days later I came across the fruits of his labor in the form of a hard hitting expose that will assuredly inform you of my gory details which I’m sure you never cared to know;
11 Questions about stuff and things.
And you thought reading something seemingly so simple couldn’t actually make you dumber.
Speaking of Hewhohasnicehair.. Back in the infancy of December 2010, you might recall him dispatching me to Specialized Bicycles World Headquarters for a thing that may or may not have happened. You might care to know that the head cheese who was involved in the debacle has sent out an email to any and all involved giving the green light to use either photos we took, or the photos that the staff photographers have provided us. I bring this up for two reasons. One, to say that Joe and I have scheduled a sit down to discuss plans for what I documented over the course of that week.
Two, is that there stands a fair to not-so-fair chance that he will be wowed by what I have to offer and it will eventually be published in Paved Magazine.
If he takes a glance at what I wrote and barfs all over it, then you can expect to see every bit of my journalistic mettle here, coupled with photos like this;
All photos courtesy of Specialized Bicycles World Headquarters. ©2010 Michael Robertson/velodramtic.
Whatever the case, my insight on what transpired will eventually see the light of day somewhere, or as I previously mentioned, you can find out about it in the mainstreamiest of cycling media channels.
And what did I tell you about Mark Cavendish’s tan lines? Pretty stellar, right?
Though no matter how perfect they might appear to be, they still probably won’t save us from God’s vengeful hourglass.

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Leave a Reply

10 Responses to “A new, New Year’s Resolution.”

  1. Crank January 5, 2011 at 5:49 am #

    Cold war propaganda. See the missiles? Coming from lat long USSR (oops). Just another example of Big Bro warping our fragile little minds. I have a rash on my penis, and it’s name is Jesus.

  2. bRado January 5, 2011 at 5:55 am #

    Ray Lamontagne rocks

  3. MM January 5, 2011 at 8:10 am #

    Looks like Cav’s dental work allowed him to eat a few pies over the fall/winter…

  4. -dan January 5, 2011 at 8:41 am #

    any chance those jerseys will be ready before the coming apocalypse? I feel like it will help me get away faster…

  5. Colin January 5, 2011 at 9:03 am #

    My nuptials are scheduled for May 21st. So much for that lifetime Tea Party membership on the registry.

  6. Tiny Hands January 5, 2011 at 8:33 pm #

    These are truly popaliptic times and who are we to say if guns will even slow down unnatural creatures. Next thing we know the Roominati will start randomly attacking oil cans.

  7. badbeard January 6, 2011 at 3:48 am #

    I thank the ‘lord’ that May the 21st is a Saturday. I for one shall be organising a ‘Not the end of the world’ fancy dress party to celebrate this incredible event.
    The ‘rapture’ already happened btw. Why do you think the world’s such a barrel of fun!

  8. Chris Winn January 6, 2011 at 8:38 am #

    When will said woolen radness be ready by? I need time to prepare my outfit eh.

  9. mattya14 January 6, 2011 at 8:40 pm #

    Moronic ploy to get the gullible leafing through the bible. Amy Nagler? Holy crap, that’s hilarious.

  10. teamfubar January 7, 2011 at 5:58 am #

    Two things.
    1. Why aren’t you offering the “Bandit” jersey in a 68 extra fat and a 12 dwarf? I might need one for me and my boy.
    2. To the douche that made the “bird” video…let me correct your title with a little punctuation. It should read “Doomsday. Mabye coming? PLZ. Watch Video…”