“Something controversial about cyclists”.

After re-reading Monday’s post later on in the day, I came to the conclusion that operating on auto-pilot is not a sport for an amateur like myself.

As it turns out, simply rolling my face back and fourth across the keyboard isn’t enough to adequately express the half baked ideas I have lollygagging around in my brain.
However, now that this past weekend’s fog has mostly cleared, and I’ve regained a marginal understanding of how to use punctuation, let’s get, on with; the show.
Up first I should probably extend my apologies to the good people at Levi’s. They had the good faith (and bad sense) to include me in their Commuter Series launch and I go and wind up with photos all over the internet of my compatriots and myself pouring beer on one another. That just wasn’t a very professional response.
Natural maybe, but not professional.
I would also like to mention that on behalf of All Hail The Black Market for my affront, I’ve decided to try to right my wrongs and donate what I will only say is a pretty good chunk of change to Bike Monkey Magazine and their efforts to help keep one of our endangered state parks from closing.
That’s what I’m taking about… Absolving my sins with cold, hard currency. That’s how millionaires, politicians and millionaire politicians roll, except in this case, it’s far less money.
Here is a bit which may or may not get your panties in a bunch that was forwarded me on from Andrew, via The Drunk Cyclist. It seems as though the bloated talking heads from ESPN’s ‘Around The Horn’ don’t care for cycling too much, nor can they contain their laughter about Stage Nine’s horrific crash;

-Which can be heard in this audio clip that starts at about thirteen minutes in.
Personally, I’m not at all surprised by this. It seems as though with each overwhelming display of insensitivity (ala Tony Kornheiser’s rant), resulting in a visit by Lance Armstrong and an on-air apology, five more spring up. I mean, if I didn’t know better, I would think that the public at large doesn’t much like the bikes, or the people who ride them.
I want to be accepted by ESPN, dammit. I want for pudgy guys in Dockers and Tommy Bahama shirts to appreciate what it is I do with my life, and rest assured, I will be writing several very sternly worded emails to the powers that be at ESPN, and I suggest you do as well.
From my perspective, Johnny Hoogerland has secured his place in history as one of the baddest asses (no pun intended) on the planet, the guy who was driving the car will be blacklisted, American media will continue to plod along with their heads up there asses, and the sun will probably rise tomorrow.
As someone who is far smarter than I am once said (and I paraphrase, because like I just expressed, I’m not very smart) “bicycles are a sensitive subject. You want to generate publicity for yourself, say something outlandish about them.”
Previous to all of this I’d never heard of ‘Around The Horn’, or Michael Smith, and now that I have, there’s a percentage of a percentage of my brain that can never be used for anything else except for remembering the names of ‘Around The Horn’ and Michael Smith. Agree with these clowns or not, but they have gained a considerable amount of publicity the last two days thanks to cyclists.
Did anyone want to see ‘The Last temptation Of Christ’ until you heard that it made Christians mad, or the Mr. Magoo movie until blind people began picketing the theaters?
It’s kinda like that, but not really, but kinda.
Anyway, I’m the one who wanted folks to notify Nike that they sucked balls for re-hiring Vick, so if you want to write an angry letter saying their newscasters, or more specifically, Michael Smith, I wholeheartedly support your right to do so.
Though it might be interesting to note that as of this time, all video content of Smith on the ESPN website has been taken down, so perhaps we’ve been beat to the punch.
Moving on in a direction that has nothing to do with that.. A person named Maggie got in touch, who besides being another woman that despite my best efforts is sticking around cycling, is also involved in some big doings on the Front Range;
Wanted to give you a heads up that we are putting the final touches on the Barnum North Bike Park here in Denver and it will be ready to ride very soon. Slope style jumps, pump track(s), skills courses etc all built by the good folks up at Trestle. The park is located at 6th and Federal (a spit of land along 6th that was just weeds and grass before) and a crew of builders including John Cowan have been working hard on building it out over the last few weeks. It’s an amazing facility that sets a great example for work we want to do in other Denver parks (both urban and mountain).
So here’s the basics:
Barnum North Bike Park (Between 6th and 8th along Federal Blvd in Denver) Grand opening Saturday July 23 from 10-2 (come ready to ride) Park will be open normal park hours and free to ride from then on out.
We are hoping to get experienced riders down here on a regular basis to be good examples of etiquette and proper use.
Attached photos are of the course. One is the view from the bottom and the other is the “Cobra” and my motley crew of trail maintenance boys.
If you can help me get the word out it would be awesome.

It looks like it’s gonna be an excellent place for young people to get rad, and old people to get hurt.
With that observation, I think today we have brilliantly covered all bases and said everything that needed to be.
On a business front, it’s my duty to mention a shipment of small/medium Blackweiser socks that will be landing any minute now.
I can’t remember if it was the tornado in Birmingham that sent the production schedule off into the crapper, but whatever the case, things are back on track and it’s just a matter of time before the smaller footed among us will be looking both dashing and smashing;
Doing everything in my power to make sure your feet look as handsome as possible?
There’s nothing controversial about that.

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13 Responses to ““Something controversial about cyclists”.”

  1. Antistu July 13, 2011 at 6:03 am #

    “…an excellent place for young people to get rad, and old people to get hurt.” Phrase of the day!

  2. John Mick July 13, 2011 at 7:22 am #

    I can’t find the video anywhere, but ESPN’s Pardon the Interruption program had a similarly troubling “argument” about the Hoogerland crash Monday. Michael Wilbon and guest idiot Bob Ryan essentially agreed with the driver, saying “what was he supposed to do, hit the tree?” They then agreed that these guys crash into each other and get up and finish the race all the time, so what’s the difference if a car is involved?
    I couldn’t imagine that they would be so forgiving of a member of the press injuring a football player during a game. Its always sobering to hear the mainstream response to car vs. bicycle. We don’t stand a chance out there.
    Initially I was so outraged that I was going to write the network to complain. But ESPN is such a horses*&t broadcaster of ball-sport non-content, that I figured it wouldn’t make any difference.

  3. Stevil July 13, 2011 at 7:37 am #

    We share the same perspective, however;
    “While one small voice can be drowned out, a million small voices can be deafening.”

  4. White Lobster July 13, 2011 at 7:57 am #

    I don’t normally get worked up over stuff like this, but there’s something so wrong with that trog laughing at a guy getting hit by a car.
    I’m going to suggest that he read about what really happens when drivers fuck up:
    It’s simply not funny. Not in the least.

  5. David July 13, 2011 at 11:07 am #

    Doesn’t Levis own Dockers? Biting that feeding hand again!

  6. Ryan Sloan July 13, 2011 at 6:45 pm #

    I’ve personally come to a point in my life as a cyclist that I really don’t give a fuck what a bunch of triple chinned assholes on ESPN think about cycling or cyclists. As if the same individuals who call the tour de france a cartoon of a sporting event because of doping and then on the hand have no issue lauding the Super Bowl as an example of supreme, natural athleticism have any credibility at all what so ever…. But I digress.
    Along similar lines, I don’t care if he resigns or not. It’s entirely irrelevant. He’ll just be replaced by another witless wonder with equal amounts of doughy flesh beneath his mandible.
    So I guess what I’m saying is fuck it… let’s go biking?

  7. Teamfubar July 14, 2011 at 5:18 am #

    @Ryan, the ONLY problem with that (and I agree with you, my e-mail to ESPN even asked, rhetorically, why it was OK to blast cycling about the doping scandals, while the NFL, MLB, etc. are not) is that it perpetuates this ideal to other dim-witted “sports” fans. They in turn think it is open season on cyclists when they’re out in the world in their monster trucks. I had a red neck woman yelling at me at an intersection yesterday to get on the bike path. I was a little nervous that as I rode through the intersection that she would try the same maneuver that the TV car did in France.

  8. 333 July 14, 2011 at 9:48 am #

    ESPN can eat it.

  9. Jeff July 14, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    I seem to remember the same time the Kornheiser scandal blew up over the pro-bike rider intertubes, the clips/audio of the show in question disappeared off ESPN’s website as well. Hmm, do I notice a CYA pattern here? I acknowledge the ‘more idiots will come’ as well as the ‘we can’t let them get away with this’ sides of the argument. I personally will probably send something. I am from the boston area, am a Celtics fan too and am a bit upset that Bob Ryan was one of the folks making it seem like no big deal.

  10. MikeSwagger July 14, 2011 at 9:58 pm #

    Not being a dick here, but does anyone else think that Hoogerland’s ass looks like the maskless Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi?

  11. stephenwolf July 20, 2011 at 10:48 pm #

    Hoogerland The Fuck Up

  12. WichitaCindy August 15, 2011 at 10:03 pm #

    Hoogerland’s interview as he was leaving the hospital is interesting. Amazing how he was able to finish the stage and ultimately the whole shebang after getting 33 stitches: “Eleven in my buttock, eleven [in my leg], and… eleven in my spawn.”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnquBuccfzw He compares his situation to seeing Wouter Weylandt die at the Giro d’Italia and figures he’s a lucky guy. I’m impressed.