A random bout of random randomness.


Today’s effort will be a short one as you don’t have the attention span for it and frankly, I’d rather be doing other things.

One item that might be interesting to note is that just before the typing of these words I put the finishing touches on the new issue of the AHTBM fanzine (which isn’t to be mistaken for that other magazine I’m making.);
For those who have been paying attention, this is number three in the series (though since the first issue was #0, this is technically #2, which I realized as I was stapling the 180th of 200, but whateves);
Ironically, as I’m typing these words right here, it’s also three in the morning.

Who needs sleep when there are paper cuts to get? What’s important is that at this rate I’m almost up to an issue a year.

Anyway, I’m very proud of this latest edition as it’s the biggest one yet, and I look forward to its completion sometime in the next week or so.

Someone else who has clearly been burning the midnight oil is Cranpa from FBM.

Ordinarily when I receive transmissions from people I get some sort of introduction or description of what they’re sending me.

What I got from Steve was just a line of video code. What follows are the emails between us from that point forward;

Me- “Shit dawg, you don’t even send introductory emails anymore. That’s the sign of a true baller. I’ll make one up instead.

“Dear Stevil-

You are the light of my life and I would be tickled if you would post our new video on your site, which I would like to note is my very most favorite thing on the planet, next to the Beards And Axes’ magazine.

Cranpa- “I puked Budweiser and bile all day.

Me- “I’ll include that as well.

Hangover or the flu?”

Cranpa- “Shithead behavior.

Me- “I came down with a case of that in 1983. I’ve long since given up on trying to find a remedy.

Fascinating stuff, huh?

And here’s the video that he initially sent me;

Just another day in the office.

For those who practice, I hope you all had a happy Ash Wednesday.

I don’t, but for the sake of community, and in acknowledgment of Lint, I attempted to give up being so awesome.

It didn’t take.

One thing I lack besides humility is any trace of discipline.

Did you know that there’s a custom bicycle show happening in one of the Carolinas this weekend?

I think it’s the North one, but I haven’t really been paying attention mostly because I don’t care.

That of course isn’t to say that you shouldn’t (not too), because there will be wizbangs and doodads and fancy paint jobs and bicycle enthusiasts galore, all running around taking pictures and ticking away on their Palm Pilots, or whatever it is the kids are using these days… It’s gonna be one for the ages, and will assuredly be the biggest so far until next year, when it lands in, (here comes my prediction) BOISE, IDAHO.

I’ll totally go to that one.

Until then however, we have the Carolina one to pay attention to, and most importantly, the unsanctioned events happening in conjunction with it.

Like for example, the throwdown bash that Jon and his stooges are hosting at The Spoke Easy;

Yo Stevil,
So the Don Walker Circus is coming to town and we are gonna throw a party (but if he happens to ask this party is completely unrelated to his event). I know you know a bunch of people that are gonna be all up in this piece for the weekend, so I was wondering if you would mind helping us get the word out about our party on your blog.

New Belgium is helping us out with a metric shit-ton of beer and a local BBQ restaurant is doing the catering. Once everyone is sufficiently lubricated we’ll bust out some Goldsprints. Here is a link to our Facebook event page, and here’s a flyer;
nahbs party_03-1
We went ahead and put AHTBM on there cuz I think we have a patch or a coozie or something from way back that we are gonna give away and you always pimp us on your blog.

As far as AHTBM’s inclusion on the flyer goes, I’ll just assume my involvement in the party will become clear at the end of the night when the fat drunk guy falls through the showcase, or better yet, the shop’s front window.

And speaking of drunk fat guys, Loudass took exception to the ‘Beards and Axes’ bit from Wednesday. In fact he wrote me a short email detailing his perspective that’s filled with all manner of expletive.

Proceed with caution.

Oh, and while you’re reading it, in your mind, use a super obnoxious and very excited kinda New York Italian accent, and besides the room not smelling of In-In-Out and hair grease, (or perhaps it does)- it will be like he’s right there next to you;

Did you fucking see this??!!

Now, I’m pretty numb to all the hipster dandy bullshit, but this… Christ, this is the most pretentious, self-absorbed rubbish I’ve ever read.

You really need to do a piece on how to wash Bens: (1) Go to Arik’s on Mission Street to buy Bens for $34.99;* (2) Put Bens in washing machine with all your other clothes, making sure that you take the time to indulge in the experience of doing your laundry; (3) Put Bens in dryer with all your other clothes; (4) wear Bens; (5) machine wash and dry Bens when they get dirty.

*I add an additional step between (1) and (2): (1.5) Take Ben’s to Ernesto the tailor in the Flood Building to slightly peg the lower legs for $20 so they don’t fit like fucking bell bottoms [I used to have Grandma Gloria do this for free].

I replied to him that I would write the piece had he not just done it for me.

Secondly, I suppose that means he won’t be getting a subscription to the aforementioned men’s magazine.

*Well, like my great uncle Walton used to say- A beard on your face and an axe in your hand is better than some balls on your head.
*This is all a lie. I had no great uncle Walton, so clearly he never said this, and balls on your head are ok, if you’re in the mood.

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7 Responses to “A random bout of random randomness.”

  1. Largo March 7, 2014 at 7:09 am #

    You mean the “aforementioned “men’s (tongue firmly in cheek)” magazine”.

    • bikenerd March 7, 2014 at 7:22 am #

      You meant (tongue firmly between cheeks), didn’t you?

  2. Loudass, Esq. March 7, 2014 at 10:59 am #

    Damn, now I’m the curmudgeon beating up on this poor Welsh bloke who just really digs expensive pants and the elaborate procedures involved with occasionally washing them. I suppose I’ll have to donate to his Kickstarter to make amends for being the Ugly American. And I do currently own both a beard and an axe.

    • Largo March 7, 2014 at 6:09 pm #

      There are beards, and then there are “beards”, if you know what I mean and I know you do.
      Curmudgeonliness is a fine trait to fine tune, lord knows I am trying hard to turn it into high art.

      • Tony Two Times March 20, 2014 at 8:00 pm #

        It’s OK. Curmudeonality is all part of the B&A/post-hipster aesthetic.

        Besides you can’t be a hipster if you insult hipsters etc etc. Or is that what makes you a hipster? Dammit. I can’t remember.

  3. Boise Dingo March 7, 2014 at 11:41 am #

    Yeah Boise! We have lots and lots of yummy beer places. And… An awesome assortment of trails.

  4. Case March 7, 2014 at 11:56 am #

    I’ll take you up on that proxy position through the display case next weekend.

    Thanks for letting me know about a place to decompress from what will likely be a terrifying trip through an ocean of lug-lickers™ (Bruce Gordon).