Hessian obsession.

Hessian Obsession number two

1: n. Germanic warlord/mercenary from 1500-1700 A.D.

2: adj. pertaining to Germanic warlord/mercenary from 1500-1700 A.D. barbaric.

3: n. An unclean individual who attempts to portray himself as hypermasculine. Predominant in 1980s U.S.A. Common traits include dirty mullet hairstyle, pathetic facial hair, tight fitting acid-washed jeans, black vintage metal tee (cut-off sleeves optional), and “ticking-timebomb” demeanor. Hobbies include stealing bikes, metal, and whoopin’ ass. A hesher.

Heavy Metal Parking Lot
Like Bob Forrest and his Thelonious Monster said

Well, it’s a Sammy Hagar weekend
It’s a Sammy Hagar state of mind.
It’s a Sammy Hagar weekend.
It’s a Sammy Hagar way of life.

We’re gonna drink some beer, smoke some pot, snort some coke-
And then drive … Drive over 55.

We might not get into all of that, though I can most certainly guarantee that anything relating to Sammy Hagar short of this song will not be involved in anyway.

‘Why’ you ask?

Because Wizard Staffs;
WSATU 2015
And like the bottom of the flyer instructs;
However Jerry didn’t pass out with his shoes on… He’s just a dick.

Anyway- I’m real excited about tomorrow. As I’ve said before, this must be what the person who invented Christmas must have felt like.

While I endorse and support our high-jinking directive, I want to ask people who are choosing to partake in this Unofficial International Meeting Of The Derelicts (UIMTD) to please be careful, and hunker down with some loved ones for the day/night in the safe confines of a backyard, swimming hole, or your mom’s basement and make sure that you and yours are all able (however bleary eyed) to watch the sun rise the next day.

I don’t want any unnecessary carnage to occur because of a misconstrued interpretation of my message.

Are we all clear?


As long as we are, perhaps you might want to do yourself a favor and order up one of the greatest t-shirts ever conceived;
And naturally, they have both colors avalible.

Hides all stains including blood;
Shotgun A Beer Every Day shirt (1)
And shows every stain except semen;
The pre-sale ends today, and they ship in the next two weeks so get on it while the getting is good.

Any shirt with the fantastic, fantastic work of Matt Loomis, (who is a high grade hessian in his own right) is well worth the wait.

And while we’re on the topic of obsessiests of the hesh, might you like to drop into the new Black Market store, and besides picking up a few thises or a few thats, grab some of the stickers what pertain to the topic at hand?;
Hessian Obsession
I woulda put it on my bong but I don’t have one, and it didn’t have the same effect when I stuck it on the side of an apple.

Finally, and only because in a way, it kinda pertains not only to today’s post, but really, to just every single day above dirt;
Tomac is a god
Do you know what the only thing is that’s better than being John Tomac?

That’s a trick question.

Nothing. Nothing is better than being John Tomac.

Alrighty… That’s pretty much it for me today. Remember, please be safe this weekend, or at least don’t do stuff that’s super not safe.

Anything less than that would be unprofhessianal.

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5 Responses to “Hessian obsession.”

  1. Largo June 19, 2015 at 6:11 am #

    True to my contrarian ethos, I’ve been wracking my brain to prove you wrong re. Tomes.
    But you’re right of course. Hard to stack up against a guy who raced both NORBA back in the day, AND P-R.

  2. J June 19, 2015 at 8:34 am #

    The only reason Tomac was wearing the hairnet was to keep the hair outta his face, the fastest 7-11er on dirt for sure. Nothing beat hearing him come down the chute at the lemurian with the disc on the back and his nut sack slammed down onto the back wheel, whomp whomp whomp!! What a bad ass!!
    Build Thy Staff!!

  3. Martijn June 19, 2015 at 9:53 am #


  4. Tone June 19, 2015 at 11:14 am #

    righteous brother!

  5. beer June 19, 2015 at 9:52 pm #

    Double nickels on the dime.

  6. T-Bird June 26, 2015 at 10:27 am #

    That zine was amazing. Was lucky enough to have some SF housemates on the east coast who brought a few with them.