I’m lost.

The last six months certainly have been a kick in the pants, (in the not very good way), but this last week took the cake as I watched my little cat make a rapid decline from health to death in just a few days.

Now friends, these words are the hardest I’ve ever had to write, and some that I would give anything in the world not to. In the time since he’s left, I recognize that Buddy was my compass, and without him, I feel more lost and alone than I’ve ever thought possible.

At the end of our last full day, we watched the sun set together;

In recent communications to friends, I’ve summarized the day to day storms in my head thusly,

He was my baby. What makes it the worst now, but will hopefully make it cherished later, is that from the very beginning I rolled up my sleeves and got my hands dirty in every aspect of his life during our sixteen years together. I committed to him with absolutely everything that I am, including holding him as he died, and burying him.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but in the end couldn’t have happened any other way.

For one third of my life he was mine, and I was his, and after carrying his little body into the backyard, and putting him into a grave lined with clover and grass, I read these words;

Goodbye my little boy. You were the single component in my existence that was absolutely perfect, and during our life together, you taught me more about being loved, and being able to love than any other being. You were a friend without compare, and when you left, a piece of my heart left with you. I hope you’ve found your way to wherever it is we go when we die, and that we can see each other again someday.

I’ll miss you and love you forever.

Some of the sagest advice I ever received came about eight years ago, and is a thing I’ve held on to with every cell that I am;

The pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the love that you felt.

There’s not much left to say. Though I’m absolutely broken, the contact that people have made in support and donations to various shelters made in his name are the most beautiful expressions I’ve ever experienced. If I could hug each of you, share some tears, and tell you how sincerely I appreciate the support, I would.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all.

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22 Responses to “I’m lost.”

  1. Devin February 5, 2018 at 5:51 am #


  2. tony February 5, 2018 at 6:28 am #

    Oh man, I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking.

  3. Brian February 5, 2018 at 6:49 am #

    I know the feeling, the loss of a cat pal is deep

  4. Sue February 5, 2018 at 7:15 am #

    He was so deeply loved and so are you.

  5. chris February 5, 2018 at 7:17 am #

    Captured this experience spot on. My heart goes out to you.

  6. Jed February 5, 2018 at 7:43 am #


  7. cycloscott February 5, 2018 at 7:58 am #

    I lost my little fur buddy almost exactly a year ago. It still hurts like hell.

  8. James O February 5, 2018 at 8:02 am #


  9. Abbie February 5, 2018 at 8:22 am #

    This sucks. I hate losing furry friends and last April we lost two. First Lucky our 7 toed 16 year old cat who was without a doubt my Spirit animal. I’ll never forget the day he was born or the day he died as both days changed my life forever. Carrying his body in the rain was so hard, but showing his mother ripped my heart out. Having Flash,our 15 year old dog, say goodbye just 3 weeks later left a gaping hole in our lives. 10 months later the pain is still raw but life does go on as we all pedal forward. Their spirits came back to us with a new kitten that has healed us all in many ways (including our now 17 year old Missy who has adopted her and warned her to be terrified of outside). little Jasmine looks like Lucky and was born on the very day we buried Flash so her purpose in our lives is clear. We are family and treasuring each moment of breathe is imperative. Big hugs bro!

  10. Dave T. February 5, 2018 at 8:51 am #

    Anthony Sloan, who left us not so long ago himself, wrote this…
    Much like your words, his story about Josey has helped me, immensely, more times that I can count.

  11. Sara February 5, 2018 at 8:54 am #

    Deep Peace to You
    Deep Peace of the running wave to You
    Deep Peace of the flowing air to You
    Deep Peace of the quiet earth to You
    Deep Peace of the shining stars to You
    Deep Peace of the infinite Peace to You

  12. craig February 5, 2018 at 9:00 am #

    I think Joan did a nice job of summing up how you feel.
    Sorry you hurt. XOXOXO

  13. Steve February 5, 2018 at 9:12 am #

    Rest in peace, Buddy.

  14. Grippy February 5, 2018 at 9:14 am #

    Stevil noo I hate that I just read this. I’m so sorry u lost ur Buddy. Thank u for sharing him with us, i don’t think he’s ever taken a bad picture such a handsome boy.
    How much pain u feel matches the love that was felt…makes complete sense n answers a lot for me actually. How do u always have the words?
    Cheers to u mister and that furry best friend of yours. Xo

  15. rik vanhooydonky February 5, 2018 at 10:08 am #

    love you Bud

  16. JP February 5, 2018 at 10:26 am #

    sorry buddy. that sucks.

  17. steve February 5, 2018 at 10:49 am #

    Cats are Rad. Peace.

  18. Benzo in mpls February 5, 2018 at 2:57 pm #

    Be proud. You gave another being the best possible life you could. Go save another and save yourself in the process.

  19. Christine Discoe February 5, 2018 at 3:34 pm #

    Love you babe

  20. Kevin Collings February 5, 2018 at 7:02 pm #

    Heart broken. I had to say goodbye to our weim Saturday. For 14 years he was one of the best parts of my days. He was our kid when we weren’t sure human kids were possible. I held him like a 90 lb. baby on the floor at the vet’s office while they started the IV & told him how awesome he was as I felt his heart slow and stop. I stayed there on the floor for 20 minutes bawling my eyes out. Even now I’ll expect him to yell at me when I get home from work tonight. Don’t think I’ll ever get over letting him go.

  21. Brij February 5, 2018 at 8:55 pm #

    So sorry Steve. My condolences.

  22. Dave February 5, 2018 at 9:34 pm #

    So sorry for your loss. Rest in peace Buddy.