Six months ago if you’d asked me if I’d ever come back to the Bay Area, the answer would have been a very direct no. Having spent a life paralyzed by nostalgia, and for whatever reason or another, always saddled with low grade heart ache, I was absolutely sure that returning to the scene of what arguably is one of, if not the greatest of my life’s losses would absolutely never be in the cards for me.
For the better part of two years I’ve struggled with bad dreams that sent me into week long tail spins. I’ve done MDMA journeys, somatic talk therapy, neurofeedback therapy, psilocybin trips, and breath exercises. It wasn’t until I did a remote energy cleansing with my friend Laura (who was also the one I did the God Trip with in November) that my clouds really started to part. At least with that I was no longer plagued by the bad dreams.
However, it was probably a month ago when I seriously began investigating hypnotism, but about six years before that, when I started thinking it might be the ticket.
I began an internal conversation about how I would describe what I wanted from the process, with the following scene being the absolute blue print of what I hoped to achieve;
Obviously, with the exception of my chosen therapist dying.
So initially I told myself I wanted to get hypnotized to be numb. To not give a shit about anything but myself.
I knew that wasn’t practical, so I began taking notes in my sketchbook until I had suitably articulated what I hoped to achieve. What follows is the eventual articulation of ‘to not give a shit about anything‘;
Trusting in/believing in, and sincerely loving myself.
Abandoning fear and uncertainty.
Letting go of destructive or impeding aspects of my own ego/jealousy.
To not be so saddled with such a heavy heart regarding my present situation, and to not have resentment towards my former person.
Truly, it’s a far stretch from ‘not giving a shit’.
It was after my first session when I got a call from my wife/ex asking if I’d have any interest in house sitting for her, and taking care of our/her cat while she was out of town taking care of her sister’s kids. “Let me sleep on it, and see how these sessions take root” was all I said.
I wasn’t immediately repelled by the suggestion, which was encouraging. Six months ago I thought this would never have been a possibility. I liked the idea of seeing friends, seeing my cat, and continuing to unload the rest of my worldly possessions. Bitter sweet doesn’t begin to cover the contradicting emotions. I mean, as I type these words, I’m enveloped in a puzzle in which I’m no longer a piece with my little beast loving on me as if no time has passed at all;
Getting to this point has not been without its challenges, and there have been more than a number of times when I didn’t think I’d survive without considerable scars. Still, even the worst scars fade in time, and getting to a point where I can see the possibility of that happening to mine is encouraging. I’m not out of the woods by a stretch, but I’m headed in a direction, and that by itself is not nothing.
Anyway, while I was back, besides continuing to dismantle my history, and abandon all that a person collects along their life, I made time to see friends, and do things that one does when they are neck deep in a situation such as this;
One absolutely imperative stop was to see my friends at one of my favorite restaurants in the world, The Blue Plate, and while I was there, go to the washroom, and visit one of my favorite photos in the world, ‘Maria’;
I liked it so much, a few years ago I contacted the person who shot the photo and purchased a print of it for myself;
Weirdly, it was just the next morning that I read that said photographer Dave Schubert had just passed away.
In a text conversation with Blue Plate owner, and chef Cory Obenour the following night, he did me the solid of sending me a recent photo of him and Dave together;
It serves as a solid reminder to never neglect to tell your people that you love them.
Anyway, that’s what my week’s held, but now it’s time for me to deliver what you’ve come here to begin with.
Or not… Whichever.