Buried under electronic postcards.

Upon my return home Monday night I reluctantly turned on my computer, only to find that in the couple of days I was away, I received over 100 emails. I type with two fingers and my nose. How the hell am I supposed to get through all of those?
The only answer I can see is that I get an assistant;
freaks_randian.jpg


Obviously I can’t hire Prince Randian, as he died long ago, but I mean, how sweet would that be? He could even roll a cigarette with his mouth..
That’s the kind of chops I’m looking for in my new business venture.
Anyway, as I said, I have a metric crap ton of correspondences to get through, so I suppose the best time to start is now.
First up, Brian Vernor of ‘We Just Work Here’, ‘Where Are You Go’, and ‘Pure Sweet Hell’ fame has come out swinging with his newest offering.
All Hail ‘The Cyclocross Meeting’;

Then, SamH presumably is the first person ever to throw an alleycat race in Bozeman, Montana.
I assume this is because there are no alleys there, but he took time out just the same, to let us know how things went down;
“Stevil,
Here’s a blog post I did about our Alleycat. Click the link to the photos for some good ones also. Feel free to post any of ’em on your blog. I think you’ll particularly like the one my friend Liz posed with her cats.
kittensdisobey.jpg
Also, the pics of the two dudes holding up the “All Hail the Black Market” sign were taken just before they were accosted by a bum living in the van I had as one of the checkpoints.
signprebum.jpg
Awesome.
– Sam”

I have to reiterate that this was the first event I have personally helped sponsor, so naturally I have a soft spot for it, but then he has to go and throw kittens and bum fights into the mix as well.
He might as well have just opened up my heart and pooped a rainbow right into it.
As we all know, we’re smack dab in the middle of the season in which cyclocross style athletic pursuits are ruined by people like us for everybody. This is proven by the sheer number of emails I’ve gotten from people who shamelessly admit that they don’t take their racing seriously.
Like they do in Boulder;
“hey stevil,
so the USGP was in our fair city this past weekend and am happy to say we had some of the elite’s graciously accepting handups of beers and dollars during their races. it’s always good to see the big boys and girls still having fun like they’re supposed to.
lucha_libre_cross.jpg
the attached pic is me playing mid-pack hero. two kick ass days of racing, beer and mud are always good for the body.
take care,
Jimmy”

Then I got one from Mike;
“Mr. Stevil,
Just a quick update from the east coast ‘cross scene. Contrary to what this photo might say, we’re not a bunch of candy asses out here. We have mud, cold, rain, beer hand ups and downs, and all kinds of crap-just during race registration alone. This is at the start of the best cross series in Eastern PA, or anywhere for that matter.
mikecushfriendsandwhite.jpgPhoto by Anthony Skorochod.
As you can see, we’re very stylish when we race (yes, the guy on the far left with the PBR is a multi-time track national champion and Olympian.) We’re as fast as we are good looking (well, some of us are.)”

Likewise, Andrew emailed me with a transmission similarly chock-full of flippant B.S.;
“i know all you guys think the northeast is uptight… hell, i do too. i’ve never raced cross on the west coast, but rest assured that my weekend dreams are filled with beer hand-offs and silly costumes.
andrewshotone.jpg
me and my team (Geekhouse Bikes) got the chance to live one of those dreams this past weekend at the canton cup in canton, ma. i even convinced the race organizer to give us a call-up since we were going to race in costume. i’m the flamingo, dan’s the clone trooper.
geekhousetroopershot.jpg
the flamingo neck caught the wind like a sail and it was like wearing a scarf and winter hat. i also may have won best costume.
also, i love your blog.
-andrew”

What is wrong with you people? This is cyclocross for God’s sake… The king’s sport.
The lot of you should be ashamed of yourselves.
Oh, and thanks for saying you love my blog.
You all might be ruining the race for everybody, but at least you have good taste.
But wait a minute.. Potter lives in Boulder, and he doesn’t seem to take much seriously;
“I rocked the Boulder Hipster look for halloween. I kinda dug it. I think it may be the new Me.”
hipsterjim.jpg
Man, I don’t know if I’m coming or going. Is the East Coast uptight, or isn’t it? Are they candy asses, or aren’t they? Is Boulder serious, or isn’t it?
I swear it’s almost enough to make my brain pop.
Like usual, when my world becomes fuzzy and undecipherable, Loudass rolls up with the cure for what ails me;
“1) Before cyclocross was full of pissy little dandies preening around on plastic bikes, it consisted of badass dudes in wool jerseys with mutton chops, mustaches and no headwear of any type, astride steel bikes made by white men with bad teeth.
CXjpeg.jpg
2) King Eddy is unstoppable, like the Soviet Union.”

This weekend I will be flying the flag that those hard men before me flew. This of course isn’t to say that I will be winning anything, but I can assure you that with the help of my teammates, I will be cutting a swath through the civility and camaraderie that I’m sure the SSCXWC organizers are hoping for.
In response to a recent email barrage from the event’s organizers concerning exchanging the qualifiers for a ‘Festivities Ride’ (due to the fact that it’s in Portland, I can only assume that we will all have to dress like Elvis, or Stephen Colbert and ride tiny bikes or something) to which Cheever responded;
“I don’t know what a ‘Festivities Ride’ is.. It sounds more like a ride-around-in-an-orange-jumpsuit- and-fuck-shit-up-ride.”
Amen to that.
Cheever has a silver tongue when I do not.
Welp, just like I said last Friday, my regular postings won’t resume until next Wednesday. That is to say I will be gone Monday.
The first email I receive from anyone asking me why I didn’t post anything on Monday gets 1 (one) public shaming because you don’t know how to read.
For those of you looking for me in Portland, follow the smoke and the screams.
newlittleskull.jpg

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25 Responses to “Buried under electronic postcards.”

  1. Jeff November 6, 2009 at 6:48 am #

    You know, as a reader, I could do without you bitching about how much crap you have to “get through” to post to the blog you left Swobo to start/continue.
    You’re doomed to failure already with that attitude.
    Boo fucking hoo.
    You’re bumming me out mostly anymore.

  2. Stevil November 6, 2009 at 7:15 am #

    Wow Jeff,
    So angry, so early.
    Somebody get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?
    Make yourself a waffle with a smiley face on it and get back to me.

  3. pedalman November 6, 2009 at 7:36 am #

    As a member of PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals) I find the cat photo most offensive.

  4. D*pow November 6, 2009 at 8:14 am #

    That Potter Dude’s hipster costume is spot fucking on. Well done, sir.
    Also, Portland is numb and tingling for your impending arrival, well it’s that or the Ludes.
    Alright, gotta get busy folding some dollar bills lenghtwise.

  5. kale November 6, 2009 at 8:56 am #

    Two words for you:
    Fire on the Mountain Buffalo Wings

  6. samh November 6, 2009 at 8:58 am #

    As a member of PETA (poetry exposers take America) I find the phrase, “but then he has to go and throw kittens and bum fights into the mix as well. He might as well have just opened up my heart and pooped a rainbow right into it.” to be totally and completely righteous.

  7. The Rev November 6, 2009 at 9:04 am #

    I feel yout pain. I have an ever increasing list of bookmarked porn and Slayer fan sites to peruse every morning.

  8. PostWaffleJeff November 6, 2009 at 9:11 am #

    Phew … the smiley waffle did wonders for the soul.
    I’ll admit, I was filled with jealously-fueled rage this morning when I was forced to compare my own empty inbox with yours, Stevil. A man gets sad when his only correspondence is with boner pill salesman and Nigerian princes.

  9. YATE November 6, 2009 at 9:20 am #

    God, I hope whoever made my bicycle had bad teeth. What is dentistry like in Taiwan? Those Surly folks can’t fool me. I SAW THE STICKER ON MY SEAT TUBE.

  10. Chris November 6, 2009 at 9:51 am #

    The Youtube clip is gone but I found it again here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a11XktXlX6s

  11. Sugar November 6, 2009 at 9:54 am #

    I believe the Youtube link has changed… here is the new one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a11XktXlX6s

  12. Jeff November 6, 2009 at 9:56 am #

    I did, in fact, wake up on the wrong side of the bed at 5AM this morning due to an all too truth-revealing dream.
    With time to reflect, I would like to now convey my sentiment in a more constructive manner.
    Kind sir,
    Perchance take a moment to reflect on the frequent introductory text of your remarkable journaling efforts. As a largely voyeuristic participant, it has often been vexing and off-putting to discover that this online product, planned child of your passions, is such a burden to feed.
    With warmest regards to you and yours,
    Angry Jeff

  13. Bluenoser November 6, 2009 at 10:24 am #

    Hey Stevil,
    Does Jeff know some thing so early in the morning that I didn’t pick up on? Did you leave them or visey versey?
    I think he needs more than just waffles… if he starts talking nice I’ll send him my top secret Powerhouse Pancake™ recipe.
    But if he does and once I do He has to stop whingeing so early in the morning.
    -B

  14. Jon Grinder November 6, 2009 at 11:31 am #

    To Jeff, blogging is as serious as a Boulder cyclocross race, apparently.

  15. jimmy November 6, 2009 at 1:15 pm #

    Yes Stevil, the East coast is indeed uptight. while there’s pockets of fun here and there, more than not it’s type a assholes on bikes. regardless, i love the ones i love. fuck the rest.

  16. One Eyed z November 6, 2009 at 1:38 pm #

    Maybe if Jeff doesn’t like what you have to say he shouldn’t read your blog.
    The things you have to “get though” to post the blog are the very things (besides you) that make the blog.
    They kinda go hand in hand.
    Have fun in Portland.
    Punch Dave in the balls for me. Cheever too.

  17. reed November 6, 2009 at 3:11 pm #

    hey! i hope those were all work-related e-mails, you’re on company time, Buster! you just might have to let you go.
    i’m not a bicycle racist, or formula one racist, fact is i don’t give a rat’s ass about racism at all. but i still read your blog for the pretty pictures. never at work,though.

  18. Stevil November 6, 2009 at 3:27 pm #

    Is this Angry Jeff the same one that opened up a can of raging whoop ass about the B.S. fixie videos on ‘Guy’s’ a couple months ago? If so, I’m honored to be on the receiving end of your somewhat perplexing rant. Well played.
    To that end, I would hardly call my acknowledgment of being overwhelmed at how to constructively curate all that I am blessed to be presented with by readers ‘bitching’. I simply am making mention. That is all.

  19. reed November 6, 2009 at 3:29 pm #

    reed’s comment reminded me of the time i was manager at reed’s new wheels in minneapolis and i had to fire the head wheelbuilder reed and reed in the shipping department and reed in bookkeeping/hr just because the owner went fucking crazy.

  20. Crank November 7, 2009 at 5:59 am #

    T shirt! T shirt! T shirt!
    “Support Bicycle Racism”

  21. slappy November 9, 2009 at 10:34 am #

    Just for the record STompariLLAz were racin’ cross on xtra cycles a while ago.. it hurt. and you can see that while the prevailing cross protocol is to involve older and fatter white men, we had a n=bunch of single track and kids racin’!
    http://www.youtube.com/user/maxafrogamoose#p/u/7/3JgEKn_4Oe8

  22. Nick November 9, 2009 at 10:50 am #

    East Coast is far from uptight. Conservatives are uptight ’round the CUNTRY.
    Check it out and spread the love. Stop Bicycism. –>
    http://bicykel.com/?page_id=1795

  23. Jeff November 10, 2009 at 7:43 am #

    It is I.

  24. bub November 10, 2009 at 2:10 pm #

    That looks like the dad from Fresh Prince.

  25. Tom Janssens December 15, 2009 at 4:33 pm #

    Sven Nys is the best cyclocross rider of the moment, I saw him ride in Overijse this weekend!