Don’t cry for me, Argentina.

*Please note- today’s effort was written after a marathon span at the hospital, probably not enough food, and four and a half hours of sleep. It’s not my finest work, and as such such should be taken with a grain of salt. The fact is, there are some truths in all shades of our realities. Though I’m not proud of it, this is but one of mine.

We’re friends, right?

I mean, I sure think we are. I’ve shared some pretty personal stuff here over the years, and in turn, I’ve gotten a few emails/texts/phone calls, and even had some real, live conversations with people in my time at this here electronic pulpit elaborating on all manner of that which we dare not speak.

And not that it needs to be said, but I don’t take it for grated for a second.

Having said that, I need to vent, and possibly through that, ask for advice.

I actually feel as though I’m closer to completely losing my shit than I’ve ever been before. I don’t know what it’s like to have a complete nervous breakdown, but if I were a betting man, I’d say it’s kinda like this.

After having spent most of yesterday in the hospital with a batch of electrodes first attached to my head;

-And then later in the day, all over my chest, resulting in no clearer an idea as to why I woke up in the back of an ambulance a couple of weeks ago, I’m only now at the point where I’m scheduled for a whole ‘nother battery of tests, and scans, and scopes, and consultations.

To say that this (as well as a good bulk of 2018 so far to boot) has all lead me down a real dark path in recent days would be as keen an understatement as I could make.

For the most part, and despite the fact that it generally goes against my nature, I try with all that I know and hold true, to (generally) remain optimistic. This time around however, I’m pissed, resentful, and flirting with visions my own end, in whatever shape that takes.

This isn’t a plea for help, mind you. I’m not hinting that I’ll take myself out, because that’s a chump’s exit, but I find myself for perhaps the first time in my life, frustrated to the point that if the doctor clears their throat in that ‘I’ve got some bad news‘ kind of way, I’ll just sit back, drop my head, put two middle fingers into the air, and vanish into the ether.

I’ll leave that written in pencil, and with an eraser nearby, but as of this minute, I feel battered, marginally hopeless, and very nearly out of gas.

Be that as it may, I’m not yet ugly crying, so perhaps even with all of this being said, perhaps there’s still hope.

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27 Responses to “Don’t cry for me, Argentina.”

  1. JGilesBand May 30, 2018 at 5:51 am #

    Hang in there man, good things happen to good people.. and sometimes shitty things too. But at some point good things will happen. My father in law (one of the kindest people alive) spent all of 2017 going through some variety of health concerns for the first time in his life, one thing after another from a ruptured spleen, that was for months diagnosed as a strain in his back due to pain and inability to bend over, stretch, he could barely walk, which caused eventually blood poisoning, heart problems etc… Pretty much lost his entire year to rehabilitation, surgeries, black outs, health scares etc. He was mentally strong, now he’s physically strong again, hanging out with his family and enjoying summer beers and hikes. Just had to survive the roller coaster. Hold tight, I’m sure all readers here are pulling for you, your value and the value of AHTBM to those of us that look forward to opening up the blog M,W,F is large.. This is the most uplifting place a cycle/skateboarding/art nerd can find. Good luck to you!

  2. Selene May 30, 2018 at 6:03 am #

    You have a legion of people out here pulling for you my friend. Keep talking. We’ll keep pulling. The light will return.

  3. Rocky May 30, 2018 at 6:38 am #

    That sucks! Sorry you’re wading through shit right now. Hang in there man.

  4. 331miles May 30, 2018 at 6:45 am #

    Your writing, your art, and in general your contributions to life on this planet are all worthwhile and meaningful. I could tell you it will get easier, the pain will stop, or whatever…but the truth is that nobody knows. But I do know that YOU are worth the fight. Fight on. We need you.

  5. JP May 30, 2018 at 6:49 am #

    hey man, a lot of us depend on you being here in good times and bad. my favorite t-shirt ever that i made said “don’t take your ability to do stupid things for granted” – it works so many ways. in the meantime, you don’t know me for shit but i highly recommend meditation, and if you don’t feel like prayer beads are your thing check out 10% happier by Dan Harris, podcast is excellent. we got your back.

  6. spokejunky May 30, 2018 at 7:03 am #

    Re-reading your old post as well, I can just say I experienced the tunnel vision and then a twinge in the noggin which resulted in my vision turning the world upside down all the while my body position had not changed. One weird trip that wasn’t explained to me as to the reason why. I hope all things go to the good side for you, Stevil. Pet and hug more cats and kiss the missus.
    I have seriously bonked more than a few times as well, which was also tunnel vision and weakness almost to the point of blacking out, so I can see you going down the blood sugar route. That usually resulted in massive amounts of Coke being downed and a huge headache on the couch.

  7. velorambling May 30, 2018 at 7:14 am #

    Keep on keepin on. Your a good human and have put out enough that people want to be there for you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and certainly don’t turn it down when offered. All the best for you. Take it easy and heal up.

  8. fatlip May 30, 2018 at 7:25 am #

    stay strong brother!

  9. AlmostaShrink May 30, 2018 at 8:28 am #

    Keep your head up, man. These are shitty times, but men are built for overcoming the struggles like these.

  10. Jman May 30, 2018 at 8:38 am #

    Anyone who can ride 100 miles clad In a prison jumpsuit straight off the couch has still got a healthy dose of tenacity in their belly for damn sure. Keep your head up Stevil, you have a lot of good people pulling for you here, a lot of whom you’ve probably never met but feel like we know you thanks to the raw honesty and awesomeness that is AHTBM.
    Hey, at least you don’t have those eye-prong thingy’s from Clockwork Orange in there right? And…you’re not currently on fire..So you’ve got that going for you too.
    Get better man, the world needs all the Stevils we got.

  11. eb May 30, 2018 at 8:43 am #

    As you know, people telling you to hang in there, that we are all with you, that we are pulling for you…it helps, yet it only helps to a certain extent I imagine. It isn’t the words that help, and then you beat yourself up for not feeling more encouragement from the words. You feel lucky, maybe, yet still alone in this fucked up world. You look around, you see people that have it so much worse than you do even with the shit you have going on. They have it worse, but still seem happy and optimistic. Then it makes you feel worse because you recognize that, but are still bummed.

    And by you, I mean me. And maybe you, Stevil.

    There are so many times that I am feeling down, or not, and come here to read words that really resonate (or don’t)…and it makes me feel better. I know that you know that you don’t really know how many people this site actually reaches (on the deeper level), but it does…if that helps.

    So…what was my point? I guess there isn’t really one. I guess that’s the point, that there is no point. It’s just I want you, and all of y’inz, to know that when you hurt, I hurt, and I hurt, you hurt. Stevil, you are one of those “glue that sticks us together” sort of people I can tell. You’ve built this community of nig-nogs here, so lean on us if it helps. Tell us to fuck off if that helps. Take a break, or post more. Whatever helps. I’ll only speak for myself here since in this world that about all I can do: You’re not alone, and you are loved.

  12. Jasper May 30, 2018 at 9:10 am #

    A couple of years ago I was going through some bad shit myself. Business sucked, huge debt, divorce, kinda homeless, beaten up and knee surgery because of that, it sucked. But I kept on going, because, you know, PMA and good friends and all that, and a firm believe that everything was going to work out in the end.

    And then my dog died.

    That was the final straw that broke the camels back etc… I managed to keep going for about two months, took two weeks vacation, felt a bit better, came back, and in about two days I was starting and ending the day in tears again. That was the moment I went to my doctor and asked for professional help. Because no matter how caring your friends are, they’re not shrinks, and probably too close to you. Probably one of the best decisions of my life. The psychologist just helped me so much in putting my feelings into words, and words into action, and that was what I needed. Took me about six months of weekly sessions, and I’m still not completely the happy-go-lucky idiot that I was, probably never will, but I can take on life again, instead of the other way round.

    Long story short, and I know your healthcare ain’t as cheap as it is here, but seeking professional help might just be the way to go right now. It was for me.

  13. TW May 30, 2018 at 9:48 am #

    Shucks man, I basically just want to reiterate what everyone else has already said. I’ve been reading since the Bummer Life days and continue to look forward to your thrice a week ramblings/musings. This is a place of comfort for me – comfort in the consistency, and comfort in knowing that somewhere out there are other people who see the world in a similar way. I too find it difficult to be optimistic in almost any situation, but the universe finds a way to prove me wrong time and time again. Here’s hoping it does the same for you.

    I know it’s basically “thoughts and prayers,” but I really hope all of our words make an impact, and you can indeed “hang in there” and punch this shit in the face.

  14. Jason May 30, 2018 at 9:53 am #

    After seeing as many Winters as you have, it’s perfectly natural to have one foot happily out the door. I just called you oldish, but I’m not far behind, and I too feel significantly ready to make my exit. Not by my own hand, of course. I mean, I might find myself dead by way of maximum radness, but it would be mostly labelled an accident as far as coroner’s reports go. There is no shame in being ready. Shit, anyone who isn’t at least somewhat ready for dyin’ probably hasn’t done all that much actual livin’. I believe it was the great philosopher Socrates who once said, “Life’s a bitch, and then you die.”

    One foot in the grave, and one foot on the pedals.

  15. REB May 30, 2018 at 10:50 am #

    Hard to have much perspective when you’re in the middle of the shit but the fact is that one way or the other “this too shall pass”. Hopefully in a week or a month or a year you’ll be on to other things and all the bad stuff will fade and instead you’ll recall the good things like your trip to Minnesota. Hang tough my friend.

  16. N/A May 30, 2018 at 12:28 pm #

    Some days we’re shittin’ in high cotton, some days we’re steppin’ in hot piles.

    I think it’s real reasonable to be bummed out right now. Wallow in it for a moment, recognize it, then shed it. Don’t let it become an anchor. Yeah, yeah, easy for me to say. I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Hell, I don’t even know what’s wrong with me.

    It may be seemingly corny and/or trite to say it, but there’s plenty of us that appreciate what you do here. I appreciate what you do here. Take some time for yourself where you’re not feeling put out by obligations. Grab your lady or a bud and go dirtbag camping for a weekend. No electronics. Tune out of the world for a minute.

  17. JS Cheezhead May 30, 2018 at 1:28 pm #

    PBR in your honor tonight Stevil, (I take it back, not tonight, right now!) in hopes the good vibes from this armpit in the middle of nowhere make it to you. Like the crew is sayin’, you’re important to a lot of people. But not for what you do, for who you are. So don’t be scrambling down that dark rat hole in the back of your mind just too far yet. Too many beers left to drink and too many stories yet to write my friend.

  18. Ricksta May 30, 2018 at 2:21 pm #

    Go talk to a counselor Stevil. Everyone needs a different perspective, and it seems like it might do you some good at the moment. Best of luck!

  19. Jackie May 30, 2018 at 3:27 pm #

    Hey Stevil,

    You know we’re all rooting for you and I hope that this is just a temporary setback in your world, but if it isn’t, just remember you’ve lived a life 100 times more rad that most people ever will. Given that you’re still riding your bike everyday, skating, and keeping friends close means you’re STILL living better than most chumps out there, even though your world seems to be crumbling around you. Our existence on this mortal plane is transient at best. All we can do is make the most of it. Seems like you are.

    Sending love your way.

  20. jake May 30, 2018 at 4:44 pm #

    Whomever is poking your chest there has pretty hands. So, there’s that.
    I’m going to have a drink tonight to more people with pretty hands touching you.

  21. Doug Herbert May 31, 2018 at 8:40 am #

    You make my day better. I hope this message makes your day better.
    I’ll be thinking about you today, and I will try my best to be nicer and more patient. I’ll make a point to be extra nice to my dogs, and I’ll even try to go on a ride. Thanks for the inspiration!

  22. Aaron Edge May 31, 2018 at 11:05 am #

    We got your back my man, let us know how we may be of help.

  23. Seefg May 31, 2018 at 11:42 am #

    Keep your head up. Sometimes at these moments everything feels bleak and confusing, but don’t let your fear control your thoughts if at all possible, keep up writing, your Art and bike cycling to the extent you can. Hell, even a leisure ride across town slow as fuck can help your mood right?
    Be well Stevil

  24. THERESA May 31, 2018 at 12:50 pm #

    Dude, there is so much of this going around and around me and with myself, family and friends. These are the hardest times ive ever seen in my almost 60 years. Please just know you are not alone, though i know how alone i can feel in this dark. Lean on your friends. That is why we are here. Just takes one to change your outlook. Personally i cut my drinking way back, it SUCKED, but im feeling stronger.

  25. cycleslips May 31, 2018 at 2:53 pm #

    You got this man. I also have had the pleasure of waking up in an ambulance once a few years ago from a seizure of pure randomness. It was also in downtown SFO so I don’t know if this is some sort of bay area malaise, but, the battery of electrodes that were strapped to both my head and chest type region came up with nothing. I haven’t had one since, though it still weighs on the back of my mind. Thanks for sharing your plight with the world, though. You have a loyal legion of fans, some of whom know some similar frustrations.

  26. Mr. Fish June 1, 2018 at 12:52 pm #

    Stevil, I hope you get better. That’s a lame sentence but, I can’t get anymore eloquent than that at this moment. You’ve enriched my life and for that I thank you.

  27. craig December 20, 2018 at 7:30 am #

    Love you Steve!